Extreme fear of being left out. I have that fear for a very long time on various contexts. It would be a long list of Paranoias to list here.
Growing up in Sri-Lanka, my first encounter with ‘fear of being left out’ was within the ethnic/cultural context. I often feared the others, the majority kids won’t include me with them because I am a minority Tamil and they are the ones with power, the majority.
The funny thing about the ethnic thing is, when I am with the Tamils, I fear being left out because I don’t’ speak Tamil as the ‘majority Tamils’ do. I have a southern accent meaning I speak Tamil not like a Jaffna-Tamilian but more like a person from Colombo mingled and mixed among the Sinhalese. So that was another factor that triggered the ‘fear of being left out’ fear. I was very much aware of it, I couldn’t openly mix with Tamils or Sinhalese for above-mentioned factors. Fear of being left out.
It seems no matter whom I was with, there was some reason or factor to fear being left out. There is some degree of realness to this, but it must be by and large something that lives within me. It must be so, that I carried a chip on my shoulder that helped others to leave me out.
Back in Sri-Lanka, we have some groups that are very English-like, western-like or at least they try to pretend like European-left-overs. We call them the burgers, and sometimes I would try forge friendships with them, but of course with that fear of being left out in the background, now because I am not a burger by any means that fear will rise its head again and prevent any real friendships. Of course the Muslims I couldn’t mix and match either, for obvious reasons, I am not a Muslim, so no real friendships ever developed, again I must wonder is it only the others OR do I actually carry a chip on my shoulder?
They vs. me, is a notorious virus that hit me for long periods of my life, well even now actually. I have lost many chances to get to know people and develop friendships because I from the very start would fear being left out; and so it manifest.
Same with relatives, “oh they don’t’ like me”, “Oh they only want me to do something”, “oh we are not blood relatives”, “Oh we are only cousins”, “Oh they just want money”, etc, all that works around the line of “fear of being left out”.
Same in work/job context, I would find something that leaves me out from the rest, either on racial lines or cultural lines, and strangely enough on ‘intellectual lines’ too, “oh they are too smart to hang out with, I am not smart as them”, something to create a divide. Having lunch is a fun thing, often on racial lines too, the Chinese are together, the Indians are together, the whites a different bunch, and then those who brought their lunches to work, me I eat outsider for lunch, I would often entertain that “left out” mentality during lunch time. This is definitely a chip on the shoulder thing, because I don’t make any efforts to make friends to have lunch with, I mean you can’t just hang out with co-workers as they all seems to have little familiar groups of lunch-eaters, and sometimes hard for a newcomer to just fit in, and in that I often leave me out from the old timers based on various factors. Again fear of being left out is the root cause.
Even in my intimate relationships, this pattern of “left out” is very prominent, either it was on cultural/language lines or on bloodties. In my first marriage, it was on bloodties, where I strongly believed in “they vs. me” mentality making my step-fatherhood a near impossibility, so is this fear real or chip on the shoulder?
Strangely enough, even within my “own family”, I recall having that “left me out” fears, where I believed that my parents and brothers formed a team against me, they were out there to corner me and target me, and I believed that they were my enemy numero uno. That war took many years of my life all because I believed in “they vs. me” and feared being left out and cornered.
So now I am HERE, those patterns are still rooted in my mind-consciousness system, so I will have to write some detailed self-forgiveness statements and correct myself accordingly.
One more point just came up, racism, this is another chip I carried on my shoulder for years thinking and believing that every white person was out there to hate me etc, rather bullshit if you investigate the thought-patterns. Of course there are racist elements in every society not just white, not just black or brown, in every human society there are elements of prejudice and hate, but that doesn’t mean I should plant a chip on my shoulder with every foreigner I meet, should I?
Extreme fear of being left out, extreme fear of being an outsider, extreme fear of “they vs. me” mindset is not cool.
And yes on religious lines too I felt left out. I was born and raised Catholic and tried various Hindu and Buddhist teachings later on in my life. While I was a “born again Hindu” with the hare-Krishna movement it was pretty clear to me that being a “foreign Hindu” never made you a real Hindu, you were just an exotic Hindu, but not the real deal. I remember going to their gatherings and having that ‘fear of being left out’ from the main groups, who are mainly the normal Indian Hindus. Language, culture, nationality played a big role.
Nationality/ethnicity was another big ‘fear of left me out’ factor. Sometimes I felt a sense of shame to mention that I am from Sri-Lanka, because I felt those Indians, and Pakistanis sort of looked down upon us dark-skin islanders. So it was not easy to mix and match with “Indians” if you were a Sri-Lankan. So I thought and believed.
So many ways to divide, and then experience that extreme fear of being left out by others.
Strange isn’t it. But what caused all these? A chip on my shoulder? I would say 99% yes, it is something by and large I accepted and allowed as a self-belief within myself, and accordingly made my moves. Because I was carrying such a chip on my shoulder, I only made my theories come real easily, others of course resonantly picked up what I am carrying within myself and accordingly responded. Viola, self-made and self-proven theories.
Success is another area where I felt left out, as I believed that others are more successful than me, they have houses, families, properties, vacations, they got their lives in order, they got plans, lives, whereas me I am just a bum, wandering in life without any purpose or direction, and I actually fear hanging out with the successful because “fear of being left out” by them. Not seen/realizing it was me who was leaving me out.
So what’s my next step? Extensive self-forgiveness and self-correction and STOP participating in my mind, and live here as breath, as a physical being, I mean, those are MIND-MADE constructs, which I have accepted and allowed as real and lived and faced severe consequences.
So if you’re facing similar ‘fears of being left out’, time to write yourself to freedom, write down the nitty-gritty details and forgive yourself for accepting and allowing them, in that delete them, it will be an extensive writing process. Join us.
Join us: Rebirth yourself, write yourself to FREEDOM.