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Day 457 – Resistance to routine jobs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike doing routine type of work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing routine type of work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that routine type work is boring, not seen/realizing and understanding routine type work gives me the chance to practice breath-by-breath step-by-step self-application in every step on the way, while not wavering or falling asleep on the job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe routine type jobs as boring, therefore resist it and even fear it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing routine type jobs, believing if i do such then I am missing something out in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I am less-than when I do routine-type work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only like ‘exciting type’ work and resist routine type work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear following step by step instructions, because of my self-judgment that I suck at step by step routine job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand this routine job must get done, however small or mundane or routine it is, it must get done. in this I forgive myself for not seen/realizing I am only preferring exciting/high-energy activity at work while resist so-called boring, routine type of work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand I can get this done breath by breath, step by step, supporting myself with breathing and being HERE. In fact, I see/realize and understand that routine type jobs give me an added chance to practice being HERE because clearly missing a step in the routine can be consequential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear routine jobs because I fear making a mistake and therefore fear being exposed to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake, or missing a step in the step-by-step routine type work. Not seen/realizing in fact this is a great chance to practice step-by-step breath-by-breath self-application where I am required to stay HERE and do what is needed HERE at this step.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that doing routine type procedural work will expose my ‘weaknesses’ and will give others ample room to find mistakes in my application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself to authorities when I do routine type work. within this I forgive myself for fearing that I am now opening up for more mistakes to happen and therefore more can corner and target me. in this I see/realize the old pattern of fear of punishment is at play.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist, fear and find it not interesting to do routine type work. in this I see/realize I am seeking high feeling energy for myself. Hence letting myself be directed by the MIND, instead of me doing what is required here at this moment which is bit of routine type work.

when and as I see myself resisting routine type of work, I stop, I breathe.

when and as I see myself disliking routine type work, I stop, I breathe and I direct myself to like the dislike.

when and as I see myself resisting routine type work, I stop, I breathe and I direct myself see the chance to practice self-application of being HERE breath by breath, moment by moment, one thing at a time.

when and as I see myself fear doing routine type work, I stop, I breathe, and I realize I am accessing fear of being punished, which is no longer acceptable, so I direct myself to breathe through it and focus on each step of the way.

when and as I see myself feeling boring or dull in doing routine type work, I stop, I breathe, and I direct myself to see the greatness in small things. care in small things, diligence in small things, perfection in small things, in that turning so-called boring routine work into a process of birthing myself as life while doing the so-called routine job.

how much boring can cleaning toilets be day in and day out for years and years? Yet it must be done. so I stop resisting routine type work and direct myself to get the job done. Also, I realize routine job is great chance to practice being HERE, breathe, focus on each step, and get it done correctly and then accumulate step by step till the routine project is successful. So the greatness is the ability to remain here with each step, not rushing, not hiding inside the mind looking for more exciting adventures, rather to remain on each step here, to breathe and to get the job done, that’s greatness in routine jobs.

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Day 456 – The armor of humor. When jokes hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn everything into some kind of joking-comment instead of hearing, listening to what another is saying and responding accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the moment I am in a bit relaxed group setting then I must go all out with my armor of humor, not seen/realizing and understanding, this armor can actually hurt people, insult them and obviously make me look like a self-made idiot, instead of standing as a point of self-awareness and self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to joke out of fear being left out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the armor of humor, meaning, it can cause unnecessary conflict/issues/hurts within the team instead of being a point of innocent laughter.

When I recall that moment, the moment before I said that stupid joke-comment, I notice that I didn’t’ pause, I didn’t’ check within myself about what I am about to joke, I mean I just went all out blindly, and then came the joking-comment which was not taken lightly at all, and equally the other guy responded in kind. I now see/realize while in group settings one has to be extra cautious, words, comments must be said with commonsense and/or awareness otherwise something nasty could trigger, a wild respond in others, as nowadays there is no more ‘system control’ within the minds of the humans, people basically are out of control and so anything/everything is possible. A momentary explosion of self is very possible, I mean when I look back at my joke-comment it was a momentary explosion of myself, I couldn’t hold myself back and contain myself just for a moment, just for a second, and look within myself the implication, the consequence of such jokes. I mean, I was just hell bend on getting attention for myself. FUCK.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-judge myself and be angry at myself for speaking those joke-comments yesterday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequence for what I said yesterday, thinking and believing that now I could get punished, not seen/realizing its too late now to worry about what happened yesterday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that “trying so hard” to fit in with others is backfiring on me, meaning, the more I try to fit-in, it seems the less I am succeeding on this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand I have compromised my self-responsibility and self-awareness in the attempt to FIT-in.

I forgive myself that I have  accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand my entire starting point yesterday was to be liked by others and to fit in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for this event, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself or being stupid and careless. I forgive myself for judging me as stupid and careless, not seen/realizing no judgement required, simply see it, realize it, understand it and correct myself to move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek attention to myself through humor, not seen/realizing this trick has not worked and not working, in fact people are showing signs of anger at me, as if I am bothering them or causing a stir while seeking self-attention. Obviously nobody likes a self-seeking attention seeker, which is what I have been attempting via my jokes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that I cannot force people to include me in their midst, nor can I thrust myself into their midst via the amour of humor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize ‘place a guard against thy mouth’ is a perfect piece of advice for me at this stage, clearly, I must place a guard against my mouth and against my mind, meaning, check within myself before I speak, because it is now very clear my jokes are not opening the door for inclusion, which is what I want in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just say anything and everything just for being included, by naming it as ‘just joking’. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that every word I speak must be very specific, very supportive to bring what is best for all given any situation, in that I become a living example of self-responsibility and self-awareness, not an attention seeker.

when and as I see myself about to joke, I stop, I breathe, I check within myself the words that I am about to speak, I check within myself to make sure those words will not cause any harm to others.

when and as I see myself about to joke, I stop, I breathe, I check within myself the words to make sure I am not seeking attention for myself.

when and as I see myself about to joke, I stop, I breathe, I check within myself the words that I am about to speak, once I am very clear on the words within myself, I speak them with total self-awareness. In this, I see jokes are acceptable, humor is acceptable, as long as it is not based on ego.

I commit myself to check the words before I speak them.

I commit myself to check the jokes within myself before I speak them.

I commit myself to check the joking-comments within myself before I utter them.

I commit myself to breathe and pause myself so that I can check the words within myself before I speak them.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand that the armor of humor can be defused through breathing and self-awareness, I commit myself to not continue this armor of humor.

I commit myself to see/realize and understand my attempts to fit-in through joking and making comical comments are not working, so I first seek to fit in within myself, become totally comfortable within myself within any given situation. Because if I am not comfortable within myself, I cannot easily fit in within others.

I commit myself breathe, when and as I am about to speak, about to joke, in that way, I will place a guard against my mouth/mind.

Join us: learn how to guard your mind and your mouth before you speak: www.desteni.org 

 

Day 454 – Loneliness

Hunchback-of-Notre-Dame

I was listening to a cool interview by eqafe, well, all interviews by eqafe are pretty cool, it just the other day while I was driving from Toronto to Ottawa, about 5 hour trip, I had ample time to listen to number of interviews. The one on loneliness had some support for me. It says that the mind exist in the structure of dependency, depending on feeling-energy from others, and that’s the primary goal of the mind, to get that energetic charge from others, creating that dependency, hence so-called relationships are great way for the MIND to survive. So a being may just walk into a relationship without really considering all physical-reality factors, ‘blindly led’ by the MIND into a relationship, all to get that feeling-energy, as if there are little cups inside that mind that needs filling up through others, hence the dependency.

And same when you’re in a group setting, that cup of energy/excitement get filled up, giving yourself a great rush/excitement feeling to be in that group, this could be a large family group, or a huge group like a concert/club etc, where you feel super excited and NOT LONELY at all, because the cup is overflowing. Then you return home where you’re all alone by yourself, then what happens, the cup is empty, then you fill it with ‘negative feeling-energy’ stuff like depression etc, very interesting perspective on loneliness, it’s really fear of being ALONE, without anyone filling that energy cup inside the mind. Because you have defined words like excitement to depending on others, special ones, partners etc, therefore what you have is a dependency relationship, not one of sharing of life as equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form feeling-energy dependent relationships with others so that I can feed my mind’s hunger for energy.

I forgive myself for blindly walking into relationships where the MIND made the decision out its need for energy, while I accepted and allowed myself to led by the mind, I Forgive myself for not taking the responsibility to see what is best for all here,  and how we can practically share our lives together, instead I allowed myself to go with the flow, and not seen/realizing the flow was created by the MIND for its own NEED.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the responsibility to consider what is practical/physically best for all, instead rush into relationships just to feed my MIND’s hunger for feeling-energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I as the mind, is addicted to the feeling-energy. In this I Forgive me for not seen/realizing that the MIND has only one goal, that is to get ENERGY for its own survival, hence it will form the dependency towards others, for the sake of getting its ENERGY. Therefore I see/realize and understand, a relationship based on feeling-energy-addiction/dependency cannot survive, because it is not based on practical reality based considerations, simply it was a rush job to appease the mind.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that my mind exist as cups of energy that needs filling up from others, hence creating the dependency towards others, and when the cups run empty I allowed myself to feel lonely, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and see myself as lonely just because I am not getting energy from a person that I used to get, in this I forgive me for not seen/realizing I am still here breathing and living my life, just that my mind is not getting its dose of energy to fill up its cups.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the idea of being alone, I forgive myself for fearing being alone, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to believe that there is something wrong with being alone, and I Forgive myself for believing that not being in a relationship as BAD. Not seen/realizing that the MIND thrives on relationships, with those feeling-energy dependencies, so naturally I have been conditioned and designed to be in a relationship to feed the mind. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed the mind with ‘negative feeling-energies’ like depression or sadness. Not seen/realizing either way, I am feeding the MIND, filling its cups of energy.

In this I see/realize all this is happening within my MIND, as the other being is not here with me physically, so all I can do is think/imagine/recall stuff hence attempt to fill those cups with depression as an outflow of regret, not seen/realizing I am simply allowing this to happen, filling the cups with energies, though this time not with positive feeling-energies but with negative feeling-energies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am allowing and accepting the manifestation of loneliness within me, I am the creator of it, because I participate in thoughts/emotions/feelings to fill the energy cups of energy in the mind, instead of breathing and being here as physical.

so when and as I see myself hitting the loneliness mood, I stop, I breathe, in realizing that I am creating this by participating in thoughts/emotions/feelings and thereby  filling up the feeling-energy cup of the mind, so I stop, I breathe and not participate in the game of mining energy for the mind.

when and as I see myself feeling lonely, I see/realize and understand I have the awareness to breathe and NOT participate in the series of thoughts/emotions/feelings that runs a sad movie inside my mind, so I direct myself to STOP and breathe.

when and as I see myself hitting the lonely mood, I stop, I breathe, and forgive myself for participating in such sad story, also I direct myself to write things out, so I can see how I allowed myself to form a feeling-energy relationship in the first place instead of looking at relationships from a physical-reality based life-sharing perspective.

I direct myself to use this ‘silent phase’ in my life to get to know myself, to investigate, to examine myself, to find out how I got here, what did I allow and accept to get myself into the current mess/situation, so that I can correct my decisions and create a new path that is best for all.

Part-2 (more writing the same point….)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that loneliness is a series of thoughts/emotions/feelings which I participate in. There is no outside force implanting this onto my mind. I am allowing it, I am accepting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that loneliness is a state where the feeling-energy cup of the mind is running dry, and the dependent relationships are not filling it up anymore as it used to be the case, therefore I see/realize now the cup is being filled up with negative-feeling-energies like depression and sadness, this is nothing but the opposite of the positive-feeling-energy like excitement, thrill, happiness etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek positive-feeling-energy from others, therefore seek relationships for the sole purpose of filling up this energy cups within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave to my mind by letting it fill up the cup of energies through dependent relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize when the mind is the leading force in forming relationships the chances are it’s a feeling-energy-dependent relationship for its own survival, therefore the chances of it failing are high. In this I see/realize and understand my responsibility in forming, creating a relationship without feeling-energy dependency as the force.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define excitement as when I am with R and having a good time with her, not seen/realizing in that I am limited and have formed a dependency onto another in relation to excitement. This is like a little container/cup inside my mind, the word excitement, that needs filling up and charging through another human being, hence forming the feeling-energy-dependency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only find excitement through another human being, in that I forgive myself for designing my mind as a program of dependency, and living it out. The creators of the mind implemented the mind program so that humans can be controlled through feeling-energy dependent relationships. Now I see/realize and understand the tendency of my mind, its feeling-energy dependency, the cups it seek fill up through other human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fill the cup of energy with depression and sadness, the polar opposite of excitement and  happiness. In this not seen/realizing and understanding that the mind is getting what it want no matter what.

Sometimes what I found in my relationship with R is, that I am just satisfied with getting that mind-energy dose, without actually doing anything in the physical reality because physical-reality stuff would not necessarily give me that feeling-energy dose. this is a cool indication that how much I have allowed and accepted the mind to lead me into this relationship, it was all about mind getting its feeling-energy crave. In that not practically considering how to establish a working partnership that is best for all, best for both parties and others involved, in that life is shared, enjoyed, while we have our free times and together times, we grow individually and together, not become energy slaves to each others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a feeling-energy slave to another human being, in that I am totally at the mercy of another, like a drug addict at the mercy of the drug supplier, constantly fearing, doubting, uncertain as to what could be next, because the whole foundation is build up on ‘needing’, dependency of feeling-energy of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse relationships for the sole purpose of getting feeling-energy for the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that there is a difference between feeling-energy-mind driven relationship vs. what I decide to create in the practical physical reality that is best for all, as a sharing of life and times together so that we can individually and collectively grow, become a team, without forming feeling-energy dependencies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that the mind works on drugs, the feeling-energies either as positive or negative, so it is my responsibility to not follow the mind, rather create what is practical and what is best for all with another being without feeling-energy dependencies.

Join us, end your feeling-energy addiction relationships and recreate relationships that are best for all. www.desteni.org

Day 453 – Breathe with awareness to end ‘separation anxiety’

I was listening to a cool interview from eqafe, (separation anxiety), in it there was a very interesting perspective about ‘separation anxiety’ in relation to a child at home feeling it while its mother is away; it seems when the mother is away say at work or something and she is NOT here in and as her physical beingness, that separation within herself can ‘unsettle’ the baby at home. Because as the mother rattles within herself through her mind, NOT being here in and as her physical beingness, therefore sort of NOT being with her baby at her physical beingness level, is an unsettling thing for the baby at home. Something like that, cool perspective.

I have to re-listen to this point again, I hope I got it right, in essence if the mother is absolutely here within herself, within her physical beingness level, that can assist the support the baby at home, so the mother living in her mind is a cause for baby’s experience of ‘separation anxiety’.

Well, in this the important point to me is how much I can assist and support others when I am HERE within in as my physical beingness, meaning, my being here can help others.  A rattled mind rattles others, simple. (note, the above interview doesn’t’ suggest once you’re totally HERE, that you leaving the baby at home wont’ cause anything to your baby, no, the baby will still miss you and stuff like that, so please listen to that interview for overall support, I picked up just that one point/perspective where when I am here, it can support and assist others.)  Sometimes I find, I have to listen to the same interview 2-3 times before I can actually ‘get it’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that me living in my mind is a cause of trouble for others, because I am not supporting and assisting in anyway whatsoever when I constantly live within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the point of separation occurs first at the mind, meaning me living in the mind what triggers the unsettlement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize at the physical beingness level, we are already Equal and One, whereas the separation or separation anxiety is caused by the mind, at the mind level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize it is my responsibility to ‘gift’ this Equal and Oneness by being in my physical beingness, meaning when I am in the mind, I am not a point of support and assistance to anyone, as then I am only a trigger-source of ‘separation anxiety’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my own self-separation from my own physical body is the cause and reason for separation anxiety outside. As I am separated within me, there exist separation outside. As I am within my physical beingness, equal and one within myself, as within, so without.

So I see/realize and understand how separation anxiety starts within myself, as I am separated within myself, I cause the separation anxiety outside. Obviously this is clearly seen in the context of a mother and her baby, as the mother goes through anxiety within her mind, not being in her physical beingness level, that’s not supporting her baby at home, in fact triggering separation anxiety within the baby. Morale of the story is, when the mother is within her physical beingness, that supports the baby to not experience separation anxiety, though the baby may still miss you and need you etc, so, please listen to the interview for overall perspective on separation anxiety of the baby.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize separation within me, is the cause for separation outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize a simple thing like separation from my own breath is the cause for separation anxiety outside. so becoming aware of the breath/breathing, is a solution point.

when I am here as ONE, as ONE equal on a physical beingness level, through the awareness of my breathing, I am here as a point of support and assistance to others. therefore when and as I see myself lost in the mind, I remind myself of my responsibility to existence, to all living beings that are here, that me being HERE, my living here in my physical beingness level, in fact assist and support them also, while me rattling in my mind equally troubles them. SO it is my responsibility to end separation anxiety within myself first, and then gift it to others, as I have gift it to myself. As within so without.

join us: end your own separation anxiety, study www.desteni.org

Day 452 – fear of punishment

mom

I read a post today by another Journey to Life blogger about the paranoia of being punished. I found it very supportive for me, as I have the very same pattern, the paranoia of being punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others are waiting to punish me, its only a matter of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the childhood memories where my mom would manipulatively complain to my dad about me, which turns into me being punished without ever considering my side of the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memories where my brothers would complain to my dad about me, which usually have the same effect of me being punished. within this I forgive myself for believing that everyone is so good at finding my faults and having authorities punish me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and fear within myself when my brothers or my mom would complain to my dad about me when he returns home from work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience intense anger and rage towards my mother whenever she complained about me without any fairness at all, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a sense of depression and sadness that my mother never had a sense of fairness towards me in her assessments of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memories where my mother would readily accept any complain filed against me by anyone, as if they are speaking the absolute truth about me, without ever considering my side of the story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my life as “they vs me” and they are out there to get me, to punish me. within this I Forgive myself for fear being punished. I forgive myself for fearing that I will never be given a fair chance to express my side of the story, and even if I express my story it will be unheard. within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself from others within the fear of being punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mom would never ever take my side, in fact she would join others so readily in crucifying me without any mercy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother’s anger, within that I forgive myself for believing that I will get NO MERCY from this woman, and in that believe all women are alike, and they will show no mercy to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being corned and targeted whenever my mother complain to my dad and he would say “is this how you treat your mother?” and then he turns into some super hero who will destroy this villain, me, who has offended my dad’s woman. by offending my dad’s woman, my mom, I have apparently earned the right to be punished, no questions asked. In this I see/realize the game that was going on. My mother wants attention from my dad, so what is the best way to get it, by whining and complaining about me to him, the moment he opens the door and steps in, even before he takes off his shoes, the whining show will start, and my dad would throw angry tantrum at me, the crushing of the villain who has offended his woman. within this I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic and experience intense fear, hurt and sadness for being punished for things I didn’t do or say. I forgive myself for feeling hurt within myself for not being heard by my parents, as neither of them considered my side of the story, nor considered my situation, so I forgive myself for feeling as if I am corned and targeted, and I forgive myself for carrying these memories within me till now and allow them to torture me, and guide my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear women, because I fear they might ‘punish’ me, might torture me, just like how my mother did. within this I Forgive myself for jeopardizing my relationships with women by assuming all women are like my mother, they are out there to punish me, to complain and bitch about me and then eventually to PUNISH me, to fire me, to discard me, to divorce me etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that nobody will ever hear my side of the story, and will automatically find me guilty or sent me to be punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being punished, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being unheard, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never given a chance to speak my side of the story, within that I Forgive myself for fearing that I will be automatically found guilty of any charge, and therefore automatically be punished.

within this I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes, because within that I fear being punished extensively, mercilessly, as if my mistake would give others, my mother, a god-send-chance to punish me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be petrified when my mother would get angry, and fear her anger so much, in that I forgive myself for fearing when people get angry at me, fearing their anger might translate into me being punished, just like how my mother’s anger got to me.

when and as I see myself fearing being punished by others, I stop, I breathe. when and as I see myself fearing being accused, I stop, I breathe, in this I see/realize those are memory based patterns that are running in my mind, so I stop, I breathe till the automation, the automatic assumption slow down, I support myself with effective breathing, where past knowledge/memory is not player.

when and as I see myself fearing that women might punish me, just like how my mother did, I stop, I breathe, and I see/realize that not every woman is my mother, and only 1 woman is my mother, so I stop and I breathe, not allowing past memories to be projected onto others.

when and as I see others are getting angry at me or, just angry at something, I stop, I breathe, because by breathing I am stopping the automatic assumption that they are angry at me and they are going to punish me, because I see this is a direct projection of my childhood memories, so I stop, I breathe, not allowing the past to repeat over and over.

Moreover, I see/realize that my mother didn’t know what she was doing, she too was possibly brought up as child in a similar condition, so she simply pass it on, from one generation to another, as this is how our world is fucked up today, sins of the forefathers. I see/realize my mother complaining about me, not hearing me, not considering me, always throwing me to wolfs, is not personal, I will not take it personally, its her mind-pattern, conditions, for which she will have to deal with, but it is unfortunate people don’t get proper parenting skills, and yet they bring kids and do all kinds of shit to them, abusing the child and themselves. SO I let go, not carry these memories within me anymore, as I see/realize and understand nothing is personal here, its the result of a fucked up world, so instead of taking these memories personally, I breathe through them and let them go. I am here.

Join us: learn to end your own fears of being punished: www.desteni.org

Day 451: Self-forgiveness on dependencies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I am possessed by some emotional energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the power of emotional possession is something I give to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if this possession has more power than who I am. The power of mind is something I give to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify postponement of daily writing based on this emotional possession. “Oh I can do the writing later, I don’t feel well now, etc”. Not seen/realizing the cure to not feeling well is WRITING it out. Here ‘not feeling well’ means the MIND has gripped with loads of past memories and emotions. But I see even in that storm there is a slight self-awareness that can ‘see’ the storm, therefore able to apply breaks.

I guess the root of this emotional possession is that I have been feeling rather sad, lone and lonely over the weekend, its like a dreadful feeling, “oh I can’t take it anymore”. but its not really that bad when I slow down and breathe one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my so-called feelings as dreadful and within that I forgive myself to believe in the thought “oh I can’t take it anymore’, its so dreadful”. Not seen/realizing, its only an emotion, its only a thought. They come and go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel this sense of dreadfulness, as if this emotional possession is snapping my life-energy out of me, in this I see/realize emotional possession can snap life-energy out if I allow them to, If I permit them to, therefore I see/realize and understand the key is breathing through the storm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel this dreadful feelings as if I am going thru some drug-withdrawal syndromes. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my power, myself to EMOTIONS.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize relationship endings are like drug-addiction endings, there is a certain withdrawal symptoms one has to go through. As the addiction to ENERGY that was taken from RELATIONSHIP was like a drug addiction.

Because during the happy times, the addictive feelings were: love, warmth, acceptance, caring, sexual intimacy, compliments, care, concern, company, togetherness, companion, communication etc, and I believe that she gave me all these nice fuzzy feelings to make me happy. And now, as through the withdrawal phase, I am experiencing the opposite: Un-loved, No-warmth, Non-acceptance, No-caring, NO-sexual-intimacy, No-compliments, No-care, No-concern, No-company, No-togetherness, NO-companion, NO-communication, things like that, just the opposite. So the question to ask is why I have not given them to ME, and why do I depend on another to give those to ME. So now time to learn to GIVE myself , first through For-Give myself, though which I can GIVE what I have denied me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have NO-love because the love that was here is no more, hence I forgive myself to believe that there is NO-love in my life, but not seen/realizing I am self-love, I can GIVE love to me as me.  I can live this word as self-love, where I love myself first, where accept myself as love. In this ending the dependency for LOVE from another. In self-love I can share that love with another without the need for dependency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that now there is NO-warmth, not seen/realizing this is again a dependency, wanting and needing warmth from other, instead of giving myself the self-warmth that I am. SO I have to define warmth, as a living word, not as a dependent word. The act of breathing with awareness, becoming aware of my natural breath, the air movement in and out, the warmth of my own is self-warmth, therefore I see/realize the need, the craving, the addiction for warmth from another comes because I am not aware of my own breath, the warmness of my own. So I give warmth to myself by breathing with awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that now I am no longer accepted, I forgive myself to believe that I have no acceptance in my life, not seen/realizing, henceforth I give myself acceptance as self-acceptance, as I accept myself with all my fucked-up-ness, I accept myself, I stop judging myself, I stop blaming myself, I stop criticizing or condemning myself, hence I embrace myself, within this I take self-responsibility to correct my fucked-up-ness so that I can birth myself as LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no intimacy because the intimacy that I had with another is no more, therefore I forgive myself for fearing the lack of intimacy in my life, not seen/realizing intimacy first must be self-intimacy, into-me-i-see, therefore I define this word intimacy as self-intimacy, where I direct myself to write daily, and get to know myself, embrace myself as in self-into-me-i-see.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with the ending of my relationship that communication with another has ended too, not seen/realizing this is not so, in fact, I redefine the word communication to be real, authentic, self-honest, and to the point, as in what is best for all, also in daily writing. so I communicate for real, authentically, self-honestly, in my daily writing and with whomsoever comes to my space. In this way, I redefine communication to be self-communication that is best for all. Not limited to just ‘talking stuff’ to the woman in my life, but rather communication that which is best for all either as in self-writing or simply having commonsense conversations in my daily life.

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