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Day 328 – Mind-movies cannot be trusted. Breathe. Let go.

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voiceIt’s funny out of all the memories, the mind will only present the nasty/painful ones, I wonder why, and it should make us wonder about the workings of the mind. I mean so many memories, of all kinds, yet a very particular memory is what I saw in a semi-dream state other day, it was painful, then I recalled the mechanics of the mind, whose singular purpose is to suck the life-source/substance out of my physical body.

Also memories are stored in the body/flesh not in the mind as commonly known, the mind extracts the memory items as needed for the mining job, and this goes to show how blinded and robotic us humans are. Once I recalled this point I didn’t participate in the semi-dream/memory show, I just looked at it, saw the raw/painfulness of it, and that’s it, didn’t continue the mind-movie/memory. Mining the body by the mind is the real goal, I mean, it’s happening all the time, but strange enough we have no idea about this, only through desteni research I came to know about these stuff. Mind is a parasite that you must tame but not defeat as defeat implies war/separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see/realize that the memories are shown to me in a way so that the mind can extract physical life/substance for its own sake; in this I see/realize the parasitic nature of the mind. In this I forgive me for not seen/realizing that I have been an ally in the mining process, in this physical depletion process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I had no say in bringing up that particular memory in semi-dream show, it was presented so that I will follow it like a sheep, wallowing in pain and whatnot, in this I see/realize the generation of emotions is in the best interest of the mind, because emotions mean energy for the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize in fact every thought/emotions and feeling is ‘presented’ to me, whereas I am not the driver but driven by the mind, to mine energy from the physical body. I forgive me for not seen/realizing that I am responsible for my body, I am responsible for the well-being of my body, meaning I am responsible for stopping of the physical energy extraction which is happening continuously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am responsible for allowing the depletion and abuse of the physical body. So I direct myself to be aware of this and stop it, by breathing with awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the mind can throw anything and everything for me to FEEL some shit, and thereby the mind can mine the body, extract the physical resource/substance for its own survival.

I as the mind, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my end therefore continuously extract physical substance/resource from the human physical body. I as the mind I forgive myself for believing that I must extract and suck the body dry to its death so that I as the mind can survive. In this I as the mind I forgive me for not seen/realizing that the death of the body means I as the mind will cease too.

I as the mind I forgive myself for blindly extracting/mining the physical body for energy so that it can be fed to my survival and the survival of the heavens. I as the mind I forgive me for not seen/realizing that I am a slave, an energy miner for the heavens, and my sole purpose is to feed the heaven by sucking my host, the body dry to death. I as the mind, I direct myself to stop the fear of death, and stop the mining game because it’s all done out of fear of survival. I as the mind, I stop, I breathe; I remain here, in equality and oneness with the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be an ally of the mind by continuously participating in the thinking/feeling/emotional machine without any directive self-will to do so, but only following the orders. I forgive me for not taking self-responsibility for STOPPING the mind, for stopping the feeling/emotional states of the mind, in this I see/realize it is my responsibility to breathe and stop the mind-states.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize it is my self-will that matters, am I directing my life as self-will or letting the emotional/feelings direct me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am responsible for my emotional states.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I am responsible for my body, for its depletion, so I direct myself to breathe/slow-down and STOP the depletion of the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I am responsible for breathing with awareness, because I see that not breathing with awareness is the first problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize breath is life, and not breathing with awareness means that I am abdicating my self-presence, my self-will, my self-responsibility, my self-awareness and letting the MIND take control over me, which is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that no matter what is being thrown at me to think/feel/get-emotional, I see/realize that it is not my self-directed thinking or feeling, it’s only a mind-job for its own survival, therefore I realize it is my self-responsibility to breathe/slow-down and be HERE, as HERE is the LIFE, not in the mind space, in some imaginary lala land.

When and as I see myself dreaming/seen/thinking memories stuff from the past, I stop, I breathe, because I see/realize I am no more an ally of the mind to mine my body, so I stop this physical abuse, I breathe, I remain here.

When and as I see myself stuck in the feelings/memories/thoughts I stop, I breathe, I remain here.

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Day 305 – Thinking beyond practical stuff is a problem.

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One thing I realize is that allowing and accepting thoughts about a person to run unchecked/wild will soon bring about nasty outbursts. Granted people do terrible things to each other, but allowing that to entertain endless thinking/fantasy can soon bring about more trouble. I have found/experience this personally. Now if there is a ‘situation’ with a person, then better to have an on-the-spot conversation and try to sort things out, and writing it about it can really assist too. The last thing to do is just keep on thinking about that person what he/she said/did etc, etc. Because nowadays energies can quickly build up and lead to nasty situations. All that starts with ‘thinking’. Yes if there is a ‘situation’ with a person one has to think about the practical matters, how to sort things out, how to work it out etc, but allowing/accepting anything more than the practical thinking can lead to accumulation of mind-energies. Once that energy builds up, an outburst is only a matter of time. “Evil energy” will possess you, make you say/do crazy shit which you will regret later, so don’t’ be sorry later on might as well contain the thinking now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that thinking nowadays leads to accumulation and build up of energy and once the energy builds up, an outburst point is only moments away. In this I see/realize that I have the responsibility to contain/check my thinking through breathing and being here. The temptation to think, especially think nasty shit is always here, so it will take an effort on my part to ground myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in above and beyond practical thoughts/thinking and compromise my body, the substance, and not see/realize that I am building up, accumulating mind-energy for later explosion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that reason to think constantly is to keep a story alive in my head, to keep energy excitement alive, to keep a war alive in the head, to keep a fight/anger alive in the head, to keep the enemies alive in the head, in this I see/realize I am creating cartoon characters in my mind and keeping them alive by constantly thinking about them.

So I see that the solution is simply NOT to think, live breath by breath and ground myself here in this breath. Because once the thinking machine starts, there is no end, which can soon lead to fantasy where many more stories are created/re-created and mind-energy is really build up. To outburst is really simple from that point on. Each breath, no thoughts, just walk, breath by breath. Consider practical thoughts yes, but fancy stuff, no imagination, no storytelling, all that can nowadays really land self in trouble. So I am here, breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize “I like, I don’t’ like” is also of the mind, therefore when and as I see myself operating with “I like, I don’t like” principle, I stop, I breathe. In this I direct myself to see what is best for all, and what is common sense, instead of giving into the mind’s likes/dislikes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that ‘thoughts’ cannot give anything more than just energy in the mind, in this I see/realize that even thoughts are not real until I act upon them and create physical consequences for myself.

When and as I see myself thinking about a person constantly because there is a situation or an issue to sort out, I stop, I breathe and not allow myself participate in thinking shit about that person, because I see/realize soon it will lead to a nasty energy bursting out situation. Instead I direct myself to talk to them and sort things out.

When and as I see myself thinking shit about another, I stop, I breathe. When and as I see myself thinking in general without any practical direction, I stop, I breathe, because I realize just casual thinking is the trigger for energies to build up/accumulate which later can explore.

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Day 292 – Software Engineering: Learn from Code Review Comments instead of reacting.

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I noticed that I don’t take code review comments very well, today I got some comments on my work, and man oh man, I went into reactions, blame and all that, instead of learning something from the reviews.

I mean most of the review comments are simply another way or more improved way of doing things, which I may have overlooked before, so there is room to learn, I don’t see why I should go into blaming and judging those who reviewed my work. This is an overreaction, and taking things personally. In a climate of job layoffs and economic hard times, the last thing I want to do is overreact to review comments at work, this is stupidity of the highest order on my part. So I direct myself to learn, understand, study, and investigate what others are saying, look at their review comments so to learn and enhance my software engineering skill-set instead of emotionally reacting, looking for the shortest path in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to emotionally react when others provide review comments on my work.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others inside my head when others provide review comments because what I expected from the review session is a quick cake walk pass without any issues, so to make my life easy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to blame others when they provide a long series of comments thinking and believing that they are picking on me and targeting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take review comments personally and thereby experience myself as being hurt instead of learning something from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into blame and judgment of others within the idea that they are giving me a hard time by not passing the code review so easily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am being personally targeted and attacked via the code review and that is why I am given so many correction requests.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear learning, studying, investigating the code review comments within the idea that others are targeting me by giving loads of comments instead of passing the code easily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and feel like a victim and go into self-pity upon seen so many not-so-happy review comments on my work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form attacking, blaming views about the reviewers because I believe that they are targeting me, just to give me a hard time. HOW insanely stupid is this, in this I forgive myself for wearing the victim personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, I should be instead be grateful for reviewers for taking their time and sharing their expert views on my code, in that giving me the chance to learn something new. I see/realize that I reacted on a mental/emotional level, so I direct myself to from now on to take review comments and study them, learn from them, and incorporate them to my work. I stop this stupid emotional habit which could potentially sabotage my job.

When and as I see myself reacting to any review comment people give me on my work, I stop, I breathe, seen/realizing that this is a gift for me to learn and enhance my software development skill set.

And I see/realize software bugs caught early on can assist everyone in the team, and the code can be a good example for others later on. Sometimes I see this particular code I am working on as ‘not that important’ hence no need for extensive review on it, this is an incorrect view, because every piece of creation is a reflection of myself, be it a temporary piece of code or not matters not, because what I create is a reflection of me here.

My code is my creation, it has my mark on it, so why leave it with half perfection, so why not incorporate all the review comments and make it ‘perfect’. The idea is to give my best at it, not just take the least resistance path, that is irresponsible. Let everything I do in everything Breath be an expression of perfection. Here perfection means doing things to my best of abilities, by taking full responsibility for it, NOT any form of comparison to others or their work. This is my best expression, in this breath by taking full responsibility to what I do, say or think.

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Day 289 – Lack of direction is a lame excuse, Self-Direction is upto me.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I lack direction in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am lacking direction in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have no purpose and direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have no sense of direction in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am lost in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pity for myself because apparently I am lost and clueless and needing wanting others to show the way for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my life is pretty boring and aimless, and there is nothing to be proud of in my life in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am lacking purpose and direction and therefore I am aimless, not seen/realizing that it is how I am perceiving myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am missing something important in my life and therefore I lack and missing and aimless in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am missing a purpose, that I am aimless, that I am clueless in my life, because apparently only others can give that to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am a lost soul and I have no purpose to ground myself here. Not seen/realizing that breathing, here, in every breath is a real purpose indeed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am wandering aimlessly in my life because apparently others are not giving purpose to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my life is stuck and that I am not moving forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my life is boring and it’s not going anywhere, and in this I have forgive me to feel self-pity, not seen/realizing that the correction starts with breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my life is down and depress, aimless and clueless, and I forgive me for wrapping myself in all sorts of pitiful emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, I am the director of my life,  I am the author of my life, because I accept and allow how my life will proceed day by day, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, everything that is happening is of my choice and my direction. I am allowing and accepting and directing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize how I spend time, money is upto me, it’s my direction, my choice. In this I see/realize giving into thoughts, emotions and feelings is simply allowing con of consciousness to direct me, and NOT me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, I can change, I re-direct myself, I can plan my time more better, I can give myself physical movements/activities, instead of this total sloth I have allowed myself, I can get up and move myself, go for a walk, do physical activities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am here breathing, so effectively breathing is the first step, breathing fully.

When and as I see myself as aimless, directionless, purposeless, I stop and I breathe, and I direct myself to write down, very specifically what is that I need to investigate, what is that I need to do as in activities, physical care, health care, hobbies, travels, finances, I mean, there is no direction if i don’t write myself, and give myself direction.

Therefore when and as I see myself aimless or clueless, I stop, I breathe, and I direct myself to write down the points, and then, find solutions to them, if I am lacking in physical activities, then, I direct myself to see how/where/when I can participate in some physical activities, and if I see that I am wasting time “wandering around”, then, I direct myself to properly use that time, and educate myself instead, likewise, if I see any area of my life needs improvement, correction, I write them down in details, and then, give myself the gift of self-correction/self-direction. because just feeling aimless, clueless, directionless, is pretty much useless, the only way to find the way, is to write to write my way, in simple practical steps, so I can actually take those steps and make improvements, give direction. Because giving direction, aim, is not going to fall from the sky, I have to plan it, plot, and DO IT. That is self-direction. 

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Day 288 – Mad about sports? then go play, don’t just watch.

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I have the sports bug, still glue myself to TV or YouTube clips on cricket, watching current games or old glories. I mean WTF, why is that some clips I watch again and again, yes I enjoy watching cricket, but, now I realize this is an addiction.

Addiction because I do get an energy high by watching them, especially victorious games by Sri-Lanka. My heroes scoring and hitting the ball into great victories. It’s one thing to occasionally watch some sports and enjoy them, but another story to watch old YouTube clips and reminiscence old victories and watch old heroes hit their centuries.

Same can be said about watching old songs, which I do a lot. Watching old clips as if I have nothing better to do in my life. It’s all about energy, feeding the mind with sports or music.

So here are some self-forgiveness today to release this growing addiction before it’s too late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel excited about sports mostly about cricket.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a sense of excitement and thrill to watch cricket games over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see old games and feel the old sensation of victories and still feel excited about the old glories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form attachments to sport heroes, kind of adoration and hero worship, as if they are here to save the world or something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize instead of simply watching the game, and enjoying the skill, the art of play, I see/realize I have turn sports into an energy excitement. Feels great when my team win and feels terrible when my team lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a sense of excitement when I watch cricket and feels great when my team wins.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel great within myself when my team scores victories either now or in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste a lot of time watching the game instead of actually playing it physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so great and excited to watch games, as if it’s the purpose of my life for the game day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, watching sports is like watching porn, or violence, or horror movies, it generates emotions/energy within me giving that high feeling. So in this I see/realize my addiction to watch sport is because I am addicted to the energy/emotions the game gives me. Because sure I won’t’ watch the games where my team is losing. I love to watch them when my team is winning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take sides on the game, instead of just enjoying a game of cricket, and enjoy sport regardless of who is winning or losing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize watching old clips on YouTube, watching old victories is surely a sign of madness/addiction, because I see no practical purpose to watch old clips, I mean what does it give me? Other than same old thrilling feeling of victories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am actually feeding my mind with energy/emotions/feelings by watching sports.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, the time-wasting element in watching video clips on old or new cricket matches, I mean, I have better things do in life than just glue myself to old video clips.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize watching sports is a clear waste of time and an addiction to the energy it gives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I have loads of things to accomplish, get done, finish, so instead of attending to them, I tune myself into cricket matches, either watching new games or old games that were played when I was a teenager.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see some former cricketers as heroes and as amazing personalities, instead of realizing they were just skilled at the game, that’s all, it doesn’t make them heroes or great personalities. What have they done to end the world hunger? For sure they have turned themselves into millionaires and TV talking heads now.

In this I see/realize I can use my time wisely and dedicate to read blogs, write blogs, or watch videos by Chris hedges, and educate myself on the current world system. Wasting time on ‘energy entertainment’ is a tricky thing. I have better things to do in life than waste even a minute on cricket games. Of course if it is a world cup game or something, then, yes, I will sit and enjoy a good game, might even cheer for my team, but sucks to waste time and get energetically suck into the highs and lows of a game. That is the purpose of sports, just like porn, cinema, and TV, all to entertain and keep me stuck in a state of zombie land.

So I stop this madness. When and as I see myself tuning into a cricket match or watching an old game, I STOP, I breathe. I direct myself to instead watch/study clips showing how fucked up the current system is, so I can learn/educate myself with what’s’ going on, instead of wasting time and let my body be consumed by the highs and lows of sports. Here I see that Chris Hedges got some cool videos which I have been procrastinating to watch, so that’s it, no more cricket or music, I direct myself to educate myself.

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Day 274 – Breathing is the key to stop Mind-Demons like You and Me.

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The Mind is busy producing various thoughts, emotions, feelings, desires, and fears, etc, but all of them rooted in one thing: ‘Thoughts’. I am as the person, the being, the BEING, I have the power to follow my mind’s contents or not. And the real problem is suffering when followed such mind objects, because they thrive on fear, desires, worry etc. Mind thrives on energy because energy is what keeps the mind going, while depleting the body.

One little decision within a breath will solve this problem of thinking, and that is to breathe say NO, no to mind objects. Unable to say NO could sooner or later will end up following them creating/leading to GOD knows what. It could even end up in murder, as we see in the news everyday.

Today I read that 2 women had a road fight over a parking spot, and perhaps the driver was rude so the other one stood in front of the car blocking because she wanted to have a ‘word’ with the rude driver, all for a parking stop. Viola, the lady driver had no mercy or patience she simply ran over the standing woman, a mother of 2 died. All happened within minutes when complete strangers couldn’t take a moment of conflict to a peaceful resolution instead one ended up dead and the other will spend her life behind bars, 2 lives gone, and 2 little children without a mother. Sad and stupid.

This could happen to anyone, to you, to me, to anyone, I mean, the mind is always boiling specially in heated moments like the road rage for example, or even in personal conflicts. See a boiling situation can arise any moment anywhere anytime any day; there is no prediction or preparation for this. You cannot prepare for a boiling road rage through the mind, because the mind is the problem. Then how does one plan for the unplanned?

This is my story too, and my challenge as well, to calm the mind, not let it reach a boiling point, and it happen by thought by thought, breath by breath, things accumulate in the mind and stay/stick in the flesh, that accumulation point is the danger point. And once energy is accumulated sufficiently, hitting the nearest ‘hit’ button is a breath away which could lead to road rage, murder, war, anger, you name it.

Here is my challenge: is to not entertain angry thoughts, crazy thoughts, nasty thoughts, modes, emotions, feelings, memories, shit like that. I literally have to BE HERE in every breath, because I see my mind is racing all over the place, seem to be on steroids running/rushing all over, repeating, replaying, like watching old history channels again and again.

Am I going to live my whole life like this? In constant and continuous thinking, endless thinking? Worrying, replaying, and fearing? I mean WTF. This is a sad depleting way of living, in that my body suffers immensely. Am I walking on earth as life or as a mind-demon? That is the question to ask, I mean atm I am just a mind-demon, constantly stuck in the mind over something, some every important shit is always occupying me. So no more, time to contain this, time to put a stop, by breathing and start LIVING as LIFE on earth, grace the earth as LIFE. At the moment sadly, I am a waking mind-demon. And self-writing is the tool, in this blog daily and privately I write a bit too, where the unshareable get released.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I have only 2 choices: be a mind-demon or be LIFE. In this I see/realize I am not gracing the earth as LIFE, but only abusing this earth as a mind-demon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize LIFE is really short indeed, now nearly half of it (if not most it) already gone, so I see/realize the insanity of living like a mind-demon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the greatest secret to end/stop the mind-demon in me is to breathe/write and self-forgive. There is no other way; writing is of great of self-assistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize being a mind-demon I am depleting my body, sacrificing my body for the mind to exist, yet mind ends when the body ends, but the body is rushed to end because the mind fears its own ending. Mad cycle. So in this I see/realize the secret is BREATHING, writing, self-forgiving and self-correcting HERE NOW.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the secret is to say NO to each thought as they appear and in that I will become stronger in my resolution and the mind will become weaker in its persistence. But once I give into the mind it will become the master, the stronger one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize as each thought of fear, worry, anxiety, desire, greed, nervousness come up, I simply breathe and NOT FOLLOW IT.   Because what is the alternative? To follow each thought? And then what? The simple truth is energy accumulates and accumulates waiting for a moment for explosion as we hear it in the news everyday. The 2 women in the news today lost themselves in road rage because of overflowing energy in their minds, and when a conflict moment came by they both snapped.

So I see/realize and understand, it is my greatest responsibility to STOP my mind and NOT LET ENERGY accumulate. In this way, I can actually be a point of support and assistance to another, not a trigger. Not a mind-demon triggering another mind-demon, rather supporting other mind-demons to cool down a bit.

When and as I see myself ‘thinking’ even ONE THOUGHT, I stop and I breathe, because I see/realize that only ONE it takes to reach a point of no return.

When and as I see myself replaying, thinking, repeating, looking at memories, worrying, and all that, I stop, I breathe, in realizing energy is now fast accumulating and therefore the point of no return is not too far, therefore I see/realize and understand my urgent need to stop and breathe. Before it’s too late. So I direct myself to breathe and calm down.

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Day 269 – Astrologers, Palm readers, Birth charts and Chinese Fortune Cookies.

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That’s one of the things I enjoy about going out for Chinese food, is the lucky make-me-feel-good Chinese Fortune Cookies. And today my fortune cookie said: “Just be yourself, you’re wonderful”. I couldn’t resist a smile on my face. A fucking cookie can pull such trick on me. I guess this could open a can of warms: Feel good fortune telling from the past.

Before my desteni.org days, I was an addict to visiting fortune tellers; just want to hear some good stuff about me. Back in the days in Sri-Lanka, I was an addict on Viagra to visit fortune tellers. I must have been to at least 50 fortune tellers in my life, and each such visit I went with so much excitement and thrill to hear some news about me with so many questions.

How my life will work out, who will I marry, will I be rich, in which country I will live, will I get advanced education, will I own properties, what my past lives were like, have I inherited some great karma from the past, will I have a stable family life, will I travel abroad, will I settle in one the western countries, will I start a business, will I be wealthy, so many questions to be answered, and so I believe and trusted in the fortune tellers, even 50 visit is a small number, maybe I went for more, but the point here is how crazy I was about fortune telling, how crazy I was about astrology, about western or Chinese astrology.

I am a Sagittarian, born in the Chinese year of Money, therefore it makes me a wise great philosopher, but unable to settle in one place, the wise half man half animal must move on in search of freedom and wisdom. Great stuff, but how stupid I was to rely so entirely on astrology to the extent of making my life decision based on it.

Once this girl was introduced to me, a potential life partner, but fuck it, I said NO just because she is not astrologically compatible with my monkey sign. See the monkeys and tigers don’t see eye to eye on things, but who cares, compatibility is a deeper issue than what the bloody Chinese signs say about us. Therefore I was adamant about meeting/marrying a girl who is a rat, as Chinese astrology put it, that’s a match made in heaven, a monkey and a rat knows no bounds in joy and fun. WTF.

So many visits to astrologers in Colombo, I recall my dad would make appointments to see the astrologers visiting from India, who will charge a hefty fee for consultation. You have to book in advance to see these guys. At the end they will even give you a recorded cassette tape to take home, so you can listen to your great fortune over and over and over again until you get sick of it, then, of course, you can visit the next hot astrologer in town, either a local or Indian version.

One of my mad crazy visit to a palm reader happened when I was about 18 or 19, and the guy, a doctor apparently, told me that I would enter the heavens when I reach 45, oh man, that’s happening this year, and to make it worse there is no more Heaven to go to, that’s another story.

What a crazy fucked up life, when so much trust is placed on astrology, palm reading, leaf reading and all that shit, it’s a huge industry too. Even in Toronto now in the ghetto town of Scarborough, where lots of Sri Lankans and South Asians in general congregate, you will find astrologers in every ethnic shopping plaza. So many ‘Pundits’ offering hand/palm reading, chart reading, you name it, and they fill fix any problem you have. All that will cost you MONEY, but the visitors after the consultations will go home feeling all happy and with a smile on their face.

That’s the smile I had tonight when I read my Chinese fortune cookie. The joy of knowing and being confirmed that I am a wonderful person, I just have to just BE myself. I could fairly state that fortune telling shit has fucked my life fairly badly, I was such an addict.

Of course until I met desteni, now no more astrology, no more fortune telling, no more palm reading, no more leaf reading, no more pundits. I am here breathing, forgiving myself to establish self-trust, no more palm reading, star reading or dick reading, I set my own fortune, I am my fortune, and no other, I am here breathing. So some self-forgiveness to release that old addiction to fortune telling which can still put a smile on my face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be crazy about going to astrologers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my entire faith and trust in the hands of astrologers and in their words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so excited and thrilled about consulting astrologers and hearing their magical words about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so happy and excited when the fortune was great and equally feel upset and sad when the news was not so great.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly visit astrologers, palm readers, in desiring and wanting to hear good news about my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fate is written in the ancient leafs which is read and interpreted by the great Indian fortune tellers and in that I forgive me for trusting and believing in such blatant lies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may die at 45 just because a palm reader said so many years ago. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may actually die as predicted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my entire future decisions on what was said by the astrologers instead of me taking self-responsibility to make common sense decisions for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am only compatible with the Chinese sign of rats, and very incompatible with tiger sign, in this, I forgive me for forming my views and ideas about people based on their Chinese sign, instead of getting to know them for who they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a great person because stars are in favorable conditions in my birth chart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was born to a life of destitute because that’s what apparently in the stars for me as per another famous astrologer, and in this I forgive me for feeling so depressed after hearing his words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my entire life is written in the ancient leafs and someone could actually translate that for me, in this I forgive me for giving up my self-trust and self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will die at 45 because that’s what one palm reader told me, in this I forgive me for carrying such subtle but rooted fears within me all this time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly visit astrologers and palm readers because I was addicted to their musical words that stroked my happy ego, it made me feel so good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel thrilled and happy to visit fortune tellers, because they hold the key to unlock the great fortune about my life. In this I forgive me for totally ignoring my self-ability, my self-trust, my self-power and my self-responsibility and let those astrologers have them over me instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question the deceiving science of fortune telling, never asked why they charge so much money, why is it I am so addicted to their words and why is it that I nearly worshipped them? In this I see/realize that I gave up self-responsibility for myself, and let others tell me about myself, instead of me discovering, becoming intimate with me. I lost myself and wanted the fortune tellers to find me for me, for a hefty price.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the Chinese fortune cookies, and allow it bring a sense of joy and happiness to me, a feeling, a joyful feeling, in that I forgive myself for not seen/realizing that I am still addicted to the feel good words of fortune telling. I stop, I breathe, I let go, I am here, I am physical, and I am breath, and that is the greatest fortune that I am ALIVE and I am physical.

When and as I see myself seeking any kind of fortune telling, I stop, I breathe. When and as I seek feel good words from others about my life, I stop, I breathe, because I see/realize that self-trust is the key, not wanting, seeking, desiring trust from another in the form of fortune telling.

When and as I see myself analyzing myself or others based on astrological factors, I stop, I breathe, in seen/realizing that LIFE is EQUAL in us all, and the mind is equal in design as well, therefore judging, grouping, categorizing people is stupid, I let go, I breathe, I remain here as breath. 

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Day 262 – Time to change.

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Self-Expanding, Self-Writing Course.

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What is change? For me at this stage change doesn’t mean a whole lot, just the simple stuff like: stick to 4 count breathing, stop participating in mind demons, stop giving into temptation of desires, stop regretting, stuff like that nothing earth shaking.

I have realized that passing the change-buck to others is pretty lame, I have a tendency to preach and hope others will do the change, while me, I can just cruse my good old ways. There is a subtle assumption that I  don’t have to change, I mean I can afford to screw up a few times, I can afford to take the risk of facing consequences which wont’ be that bad I am sure, I can afford to scream at others showing my anger, I can afford to dump my shit onto others etc, in other words, change is something for others, and for me I can take it easy as if I really don’t have to change, or my change won’t make any difference. I have that hidden assumption still within me, change can wait while I still enjoy the energy rides.

This is when I realize that change cannot wait, as I am sacrificing my human physical body so that mind can exist, the mind can consume the body. Reading heaven’s journey to blog other day was pretty cool, in which she speak about ‘mind consuming the body, how the body is sacrificed as an act of love for the mind to exist’, that’s not love its abuse in the name of love, what about giving life to the body? So this what I realize about change, I have to stop the abuse of the body, I have to stop the mind living its life by consuming the body, I have to stop the sacrifice instead and see how I can give  some life to the body. This is where breathing is important, writing is important, self-forgiveness, and self-correction is important. Because at the end I must stand as an example of change. Just talking about change is not enough, I must BE the change. And that starts with breathing, simple as that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am sacrificing my body to be consumed by the mind, and I am willfully participating in this abuse .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the mind is kept alive by sacrificing the body, by consuming the body, by depleting the body, not seen/realizing this is what lead to the eventual death and demise of the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize every time I get possessed by my mind I am willfully participating in the abuse of the body, the depletion of the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself the luxury of thinking/getting possessed by the mind and in that allow the depletion of the body, now why would I want to allow this self-abuse within me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the mind not seen/realizing in that I am allowing the depletion of the body, the physical, the substance. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in this thinking process the body is not considered at all, only the mind is kept alive, in that I see/realize breathing is a cool self support to assist the body with, to keep it alive by giving the body some life instead of only giving life to the mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize change begins here, with breathing, by giving life to the body, by stopping the depletion of the body, by stopping the mind from consuming the physical body. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I must prove to myself that change in this simplest of actions first, by breathing, by stopping the abuse of the body. in this I see/realize and direct myself to breathe as much as I can with awareness, instead of getting lost in the mind. in this I direct myself to return again and again back to breath, yes again and again, until it becomes my second nature to breathe with awareness. 

When and as I see myself thinking, being possessed by thinking, I direct myself to realize the depletion I am causing to my body, and therefore I stop the mind and I breathe.

When and as I see myself spinning inside my head justifying things over and over, I stop, I breathe, because I see/realize that I as my mind has gone into a spin, so I stop, I breathe.

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Day 249 – Blame is Be Lame. I am responsible for myself.

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Old patterns of feeling pity, sad is something I have to watch out for, as I have been entertaining such feelings today. With that goes blaming others for what I have accepted and allowed within myself. Blaming others for something/anything is a very familiar pattern I have had mostly within relationships. Whatever mood I am in, I will end up blaming the person I am with at that time, this is true within all my relationships past and present. looking at two of my relationships I see how my response patterns are very similar, blaming others for my mind/emotional state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others whenever I am in a moody state of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when I am not feeling well within myself, within the idea that others are somehow responsible for how I am feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others within the idea that they have failed to fulfil my expectations within a relationship context and therefore I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to justify with reasons and blame others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the other person is not responsible for my happiness, nor for my unhappiness. I am alone responsible for how I feel and what I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and scold others as if they owe me, as if they owe me the services which will make me happy. in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within the pattern which says “you are my partner now, so you owe me, which is you must make me happy, and if you don’t make me happy then I will blame the hell out of you”. I forgive me for carrying that belief system within me.  I see/realize how stupid of me to blame, scold others and expect them to make me happy. We are walking together to share a moment, or two, but yet always walking ALONE, therefore what goes within my little bubble this round shape thing called the head is my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partners so extensively within the believe that it is their job to make me happy. it is their job to take me out of my frequent unhappy moodiness and to make me happy again; all the while I just take no responsiblity for myself, for my mind/emotions/feelings and for my so-called happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the utter stupidity of believing that others must make me happy. if that is so, then I am a total slave to others, because apparently without others I am lost, alone, lonely, miserable and unhappy. in this I see/realize I am here breathing as a physical being sharing myself with others, giving and receiving, but not wanting, desiring, seeking others to make me happy as if it is their job to make me happy, as if they owe me that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others because I have not taken responsibility for my own wellbeing, within this I see/realize how building up expectations is a sure path to misery.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that wanting, desiring, expecting others to make me happy and when they fall short, blaming the hell out of them is pure madness and lacking total self-responsibility on my part.

When and as I see myself blaming others apparently because they didn’t make me happy, I STOP, I BREATHE. I let go. I see I am here, I am breathing, and all that time and physical energy wasted in arguing, blaming, convincing is a complete waste. Coming to an agreement is cool, sharing, discussing, coming to an agreement overcoming conflicts, and on how to work things out is pretty cool, but resorting to blame is LAME due to ONE very simple reason: I am alone responsible for myself, for my happiness, for my enjoyment. I am responsible for me, nobody else.

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