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Hi, I am Anton Fernando, I stand for world equality and equal money system. I share my self forgiveness process here.

Day 325 – Information processing, just like Breathing, do it step-by-step without Rushing.

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informationI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear when I am given new projects and asked to investigate the root cause of a problem. In this I see/realize that giving into fear of not finding a solution is not the right starting point, rather, I direct myself to see/investigate and research the problem/solution instead of fearing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize reacting in fear, fear of not finding solutions is not the way to start a project, instead I direct myself to study, research, investigate, experiment solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, I simply have to do the basic things first, investigate and understand the problem, without reacting in fear, or fearing not having solutions. Because I see/realize that once the problem is really understood, all the details are gathered, it is easier to proceed in finding a solution. Reacting in mind/fear is not assisting, or useful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that lack of details; lack of understanding of the problem is sometime the biggest bottleneck. Cannot solve a problem, if you don’t know what the problem is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, once the problem is well understood, the initial details are gathered, then, it is a matter of proceeding to experiment solutions, without getting stuck in the mind of fear. It is a matter of trying one solution after another, trying/researching without getting stuck in preconceived solution-can. Simply look at the problem, look the details, the data, look at the available tools/techniques/tricks to resolve the problem. I mean, there is no magic, nor is this rocket science, only matter of looking at the available information clearly without pre-CON-ceived ideas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize recording/writing down the data from each step of the research is important, it’s like making a list of progress, which helps in comparing various methods/solutions. In this I see/realize finding solutions involves writing the steps/data/output down. See the solution path on paper, from the problem to solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize communicating the problem with others/peers is critical, in that I see clearly sharing/showing the results/data/path is important. Sometimes it’s not about finding the final solution, rather the various experiments conducted, which may help the next person to have a better perspective about the solution. Sometimes finding the solution is an evolutionary process, for which, many contribute, therefore I see/realize clear unambiguous communication is important. Taking the time to breathe, slow down, putting all the information down is vital, without giving into the rushness of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize finding solutions is a step-by-step process, just like breathing. It involves walking each step, covering all common sense steps, writing the results/observations down, and then communicating them, for further perspective. “Information gathering” is what sometimes the most important part, find the right information, gathering them, and analysis them, without giving into mind-fears. Because once the mind gets choked in fears, even the basic steps become impossible. Therefore I direct myself to slow down, breathe, look at the basic steps, all the required data, “gathering information”, and then look at the information, before I proceed to experiment things. Also I direct myself to write things down, as I proceed/experiment things. Because I see/realize this is not rocket science, rather, simply look at all the data, understand them, classify them, and write them down, because I realize organizing the data is key to discover solutions.

This is simply data analysis, the basics of software debugging, problem-solution, step by step, at each step, there is debugging/data analysis going on, and so it’s important to not skip any step, which we tend to do in a hurry to get to the final answer, which is madness, because missing a step on the way will mess up everything. Therefore I direct myself slow down, breathe, pay attention to every step on the way, and I see/realize if I miss a step, if I screw up a step, then the whole investigation/experiment will be messed up, so I direct myself to slow down, breathe, and walk it step by step, just like breathing.

Join us: www.desteni.org

Day 324 – Temptations

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temptationI have to write a blog today, have been missing a few here and there. Though I see there is a slight resistance, calling it tiredness is easy way out, but I am pushing through, just keep on writing, I mean there is always something to write. There is so much bullshit going on in me and in this world at large. Even just listening to people talking in a café can give many subjects to write about, at this very moment I hear a young couple, must be in their early twenties, arguing about something, looks like he was going through her emails, sort of spying on her, and she is pissed off, well I don’t blame her. I mean, trust is key to relationships, if you have to break-into your partner’s email and spy on them, oh man, something is seriously wrong there.

Yeh right ‘fucked up’ he admits it too. So is this blog tonight about eavesdropping? It is kind of funny listening to couples arguing, especially the young ones, it’s getting spicy, now I am not being cool here, listening to other’s talking and writing a blog about their material. Fuck it. Well, now he is confronting her about texting to another guy; may be they are in their teens, now there is silence, questioning about texting put the couple in an odd spot, I guess he hit a soft spot. He is constantly questioning her now, well, I better leave this romantic boxing match alone, let them sort it out. I bet they will both beat me up if they knew I am writing my blog based on their ‘discussion’.

Love, desire, and fear. Desire and fear loss goes hand in hand. First the desire becomes so out of control, especially if the other is out of this world hot/handsome/beautiful, then you get the object of your desire, and then what happens? The fear of loss kicks in. oh no, he is possessed by fear of loss, he is just nonstop questioning her, I am getting the sense that fear of loss is possessing him. I suppose I have been in his shoes, where I become completely possessed by fear of loss, and then I am gone, irrational, fucked up.

Anyways, looks like texting can land couples in hot water. You text the wrong person, or at the wrong time, can easily get caught. It’s all about quick excitements, energy rush, mind is having loads of fun, a quickie for the mind, texting is a perfect tool for the mind to feed on.

The bottom line is lots of shit going on, minds are going crazy. In this I see/realize I have a major responsibility to myself, for my mind, to tame my mind so to speak. I mean it’s so easy to fall into these energy quickies, nothing like a little nasty text message, it’s so tempting. And you will be tested to the absolute, and perhaps that’s why texting is here, to test you.

Wow, so many little ways to get energy highs, a little hi, can go a long way.  These are the days of temptation, seriously. Money, sex, gossip, power, all of it can be tempting. I mean power over others in so many ways is tempting.

This is where breathing is self-supportive and helps in self-stability, every moment matters, I mean, a text message can come in a moment, 1 text message in 1 moment can destroy your life. It is a powerful temptation. So the key is to breathe and remain here in every breath. Otherwise you will fall for the sugar coated donut, so yummy, so addictive; such is the power of energy addiction, the stuff the mind loves.

Every look is in fact can be a point of temptation, I mean, how often does my eyes wonder on beautiful sights, it’s amazing, clearly an addiction to energy, just like those tempting text messages. This is why breathing is absolutely important, every breath, breath by breath, moment by moment, look by look, everything in fact, I must be here, breathing, otherwise the road to temptation is right here, the evil is always here, showing the way live, which is the reverse of evil. Thinking is a great temptation too; there is always the excitement to think some shit about something. There is energy experience in thinking, that’s why it’s so addictive, it’s like the mind is always texting you. That’s what thinking is, mind asking for energy from the physical body, and we so blindly fall to it.

So time for correction. Time to breathe, time to pause, slow down, look, consider what is best for self and best for all, time to self-move, self-direct, time to say NO to the mind, time to say NO to the fake shyness, fake ego games, time to observe self, self-physical movements, time to observe how I participate in my own bullshit, mentally, emotionally, physical, how I give into fears, doubts, anger, laziness, lethargy, self-pity all that, is kind of temptation, feeding the mind in so many ways, but living here is missing, just a pre-programmed robot, doing its thing.

Every breath, how do I move, am I aware of myself, my surroundings, my presence, my mind, my breath, my emotional states, specially things like fear, do I give into fears. Memories are great temptations, recalling and replaying memories is great fun and great temptation. Thinking all those juicy stuff. Memories are like pictorial text messages, instantly coming up, every moment; some shit is here to excite you. The great temptation. But unfortunately it doesn’t last, just for few fleeting moments, then the boredom of the mind returns with a vengeance. And it’s getting only worse.

Well the couple is rather stable now, talking normally, and I cannot hear anything. Oh I see them smiling, maybe there will be some make-up sex, who knows. That’s another fun side to fighting, there is a hidden reward in the end, maybe that’s why couples love fighting, the anticipation of make-up sex.

Breathe, become self-observant, watch the mind, feel the body, observe the million temptations presented, see how easily the mind/you/I can fall into it. Pictures, photos, memories, text messages, looks, sights, all that is only a picture, for a moment gives a great temptation for the mind. How robotic is life, so breathe, LIVE as a human, not as a ROBOT. Join us: www.desteni.org

Day 323 – Take your Life seriously. Not to be wasted.

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I was driving other day for 5 hours, during which time I was listening to eqafe.com interviews (MP3s), loads of common sense and realizations. I know if I tell this to my friend Mike, he will ask “so tell me one thing you learned”. One thing I learned from it would be, take this process seriously, and take your life seriously. Not to be wasted on bullshit. Life on earth is the only place where you can re-birth yourself as LIFE through the physical, I mean once you’re dead, you’re dead/fucked, and then your process becomes extensive and existential. That was a cool realization, because in this one life to live, we just spend it on mundane, mental bullshit instead of LIVING the live in what is best for self and ALL.

Another point I heard was: survival. Everything we do, our relationships, jobs, social, conversations, I mean the whole life is about SURVIVING, not living. The human body on the other hand, its parts/organ, doesn’t  seek to survive within an individualist agenda, the parts co-exist to LIVE and making it possible for this BODY to LIVE. Imagine if the organs, parts, bones, skin, flesh, blood start to compete against each other, and riot against each other, and dominate each other, imagine the inner chaos there will be within the human body. And that’s exactly what’s going on in this physical existence on earth. I mean there is the ruling class, the elitists, and rest of wage-slaves and the real slaves, all competing, trying to surviving while the selected few having all the fun. For rest, the vast majority of humans, its hell on earth, it’s not living at all, it’s all about survival. Not like the human body at all.

That’s was a nice point to hear, I think I heard that on the soul of money interview series.

Let the mind go, let the mind die, and it seems it is the nature of things, when something dies, another emerges. So when the mind dies, the physical emerges, something like that I heard Anu saying. Anu is the ex-God, ex-creator, and your ex-tormentor, the God who created and designed the fine details of your MIND. So thank him for your mind troubles, but unfortunately you cannot blame him, for you must take responsibility for your MIND. And that’s a process, because the mind has become so embedded in the physical body, therefore it will take extensive writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, and physical-living to rebirth/emerge the physical. There is no switch to turn off the mind, it must be done through a process only, and that is extensive, but luckily there is ample support (see desteni.org).

I don’t know how the fuck these religious people believe in their books, where is self-change, where is self-correction, where is world-change, where is heaven-on-earth? I mean, what is that religions are promising us? A great heavenly life in the afterlife? While completely neglecting this physical world, and how fucked up is that. So all of humanity is focused on going to heaven, a better place after death, and nobody wants to care for this world. Which religion is interesting in making this world a heaven on earth? Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, Sufism, Hinduism, Hare-Krishna, and you name it, all of them will promise you a heaven after death, but nobody is willing to fix this planet.

So this process is serious from another perspective, this life is a chance to clean up this world, and to participate in that effectively self-change is the first step.

Listening to Anu is cool, I highly recommend it. Do that before you die, and you will most certainly die someday, hopefully not right in this moment, but soon that moment will be here, then it might be little too late to listen to Anu speaking.

There you go, I saw the portal just come online, sunette spies, not spice, though she can be very spicy with her directness, she is the interdimensional portal, through whom, the beings from the other side speaking to us humans now. Even the demons are speaking to us, that’s fascinating, elephants, ants, snails, owls, you name it, all kinds of beings, animals, masters, gods, are speaking to us. But the message is one: equality and oneness. Humans must wake up, their minds must die, and their physical must emerge, so that we can see/realize/understand the oneness of all life, and create a heaven-on-earth. I don’t give a fuck about heaven in the afterlife.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I must take this process, my life, seriously, I mean, wasting it away in mind-bullshits is complete waste.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that this one life matters so much, so much so, even the existence depends on my life. Meaning, me not walking this process matters to ALL. Therefore I see/realize I must take each moment, each breathe, everything in fact, seriously, a sense of realness, so that we can all LIVE not just survive. Because at the moment, life is about mind-surviving, money surviving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my LIFE is my Process, therefore I see that in everything I do/say/write/speak I have the chance to stop my mind, a chance to breathe with awareness, and thereby slowly but surely emerge the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, in everything I do, in every conversation, in every moment, in every exchange, in every work situation, travel, everywhere in fact, is the chance to STOP my MIND, breathe and rebirth myself as life. Join us in this journey to life. www.desteni.org.

 

Day 322 – The “List of things to do” helps Reduce Fear.

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scared-monkeyDaily writing continues. Today I was taken by fear. Fear sucks. At the same time, I overcame it. Just stick to the practical things, the list of things to do, accomplish, instead of panicking or fearing. Making a list helps, instead of allowing the mind to be consumed with fear-energy, focus on writing a list of actions and getting those actions done, one at a time. As the list is marked off, the fear recedes.

I am visiting another site next week for work. I will be doing software support or general issues with software.  Initially I was overtaken by fear, and nearly gave up. Today the manager gave me a little pep talk and that helped me to refocus, after, I went about making a list of things to prepare, get done, so that I will be ready for action next week. And the list is ready, I just have to walk one issue at a time, one problem at a time, one session at a time, and in fact, one breath at a time.

Breathing will be very important next week, I mean, it’s important very moment, but given the stressful situation, the loads of people, I will be better off breathing, each breath with awareness, then, carefully attending to the problems, without letting any thoughts, emotions or feelings on the way. Because if I start to think thoughts of doubts, fears, worries, anxieties, etc, then, soon that will turn into a balloon of energy which can be crippling. So the best self-support I can give to myself during next week, while attending this challenging work assignments will be to BREATHE with awareness, breath by breath.

What does it mean to breathe breath by breath? To me it means, focus!!! Focus on this moment, here, be aware of the breath, notice the air movement, note the air reaching the stomach, feel the expansion and contraction of the stomach, do that with every breath. And intently listen to people when they speak, when asking or saying something, because in that I am learning and giving/receiving clear instructions. So yes, intense listening is vital, and to do that I must breathe with awareness, and be here.

And of course, a sense of self-awareness, my general self-presentation, movements, because I will be dealing with loads of people. A sense of presence, professionalism is cool, not to show a depressed looking sad monkey self. Breathe and be here, communicate, listen, understand, learn, get help, ask for help, set up the environment, be focus on problem solving, don’t pass the buck, do the initial investigation, research and share detail problem statements so the people who are responsible for fixing the matter can attend to it with clarity. And therefore it is my responsibility next week to be very attentive, listening, focused, solving problems, and above all BREATHE with awareness.

I allowed fear today for no reason; glad I was able to eject myself out of it. The list helped. The list of things to do, resolve, prepare, get ready.  Again breathing with awareness will be vital next week, not allowing thoughts, emotions and feelings to pile up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing next week’s factory visit for work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may not be a good on-site helper, not seen/realizing that is my mind’s voice sabotaging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel’ that I am less prepared and not on par on providing software support for other staff members.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I just have to breathe each breath attentively, with awareness and that will be of great assistance to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize preparing a list of actions/things/prepare is the way, make the list and tick them as I proceed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I can only do one thing at a time, therefore I direct myself to focus on one thing at a time, not get carried away with various issues all at once. It is an illusion to believe in multi-tasking, I am not a computer with a multiple CPUs running, I can handle one thing at a time only, but I can do so with full attention, by breathing with awareness, and thereby maximizing my single-focused attention. Because I see the problem is my single CPU (mind) is loaded with loads of emotions, feelings, thoughts, fears, doubts, all those stuff which hogs my CPU and slow it down, distracts it from getting the actual work-at-hand done. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize listening attentively is a very important self-stabilizing point, which in turns help to remove the junk from the mind/cpu and allowing me to focus/get the job done. 

So yes, that ‘List of Things to do’, helped me. As I marked off each item on The List, I noticed a marked difference in my fear level, nice/simple way to reduce fear, obviously the self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-writing is a vital too, to get to the core of fears.

Join us: www.desteni.org

 

Day 321 – Not cool to be untrustworthy.

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waterFalling is shameful. Yes there is self-forgiveness, but that doesn’t mean falling is anyway justifiable or excusable, if anything self-forgiveness brings more responsibility to STAND firmly. I feel much shame for falling, again and again, bit like broken promises of a drunken man, ‘no I will never do it, just one last time, just one more drink’, then as he approaches the bar next day, all promises and resolves turn to dust, one more time he falls. This is something I can easily relate to. There is a point in my life lately, I have been falling, and I feel great shame for this, I mean, what does my words mean, if I continue to accept and allow the bullshit of excuses, or ‘just one more time’. I mean, I must stand, absolutely, firmly with strong resolve, determination, and strength of character. All that comes with a commitment to life, so the question is “I am going to abuse life, just one more time”?

I have to realize that I am allowing backdoors, making room for a sneak preview, so that I can abuse life but still want to look good, I mean, how fucked up is that. I am ashamed of myself for abusing life yet again, and again. I mean, when will I stand as an absolute pillar who can stand no matter what for life of all? Allowing shameful backdoors is hardly trustworthy, who will trust me, who will consider me as a reliable person, they will know, I am untrustworthy, unreliable, cannot count on, etc. that’s pretty shameful.

The biggest shame is I have said these words before, I have done commitments, I have done the forgiveness of myself, I have done the writings, and STILL I have allowed myself to participate in abuse of life, allowed myself to walk through that backdoor, where I allowed myself that just ‘one more night’ kind of shit. I feel great shame today and this has been there for a while now.

The need of the hour is absolute resolve, I mean, a strong understanding, realization, determination, and a strong commitment to LIFE. I will never take that step to abuse life in whatever form, knowingly or unknowingly, is the commitment I must make to myself. This is not a public announcement or PR stunt, no, simply me creating myself as a TRUSTWORTHY human, because I am hardly trustworthy, even little things like anger can so easily consume me leaving all those around me in emotional danger. So clearly others cannot trust me, cannot feel safe in my presence, because they never know what kind of a demon I will become.

So I have to take pause on this, and really see what the fuck am I doing, what am I accepting and allowing, what kind of self-manipulation am I participating in, I mean, who am I deceiving or playing tricks on?  When a person is untrustworthy, well, we don’t’ want to do anything with such people, shameful place to be in.

I have to recreate myself as self-trust, I have fucked it up, I have to reemerge myself as a trusting human being, currently nobody can trust me, because I myself wont’ keep up that self-trust. I have to really look at this shame I am feeling, the real shame, down in my guts, that I am somehow unable to stand absolutely firmly with a strong resolve to say NO to abusing life.  I mean even anger is abuse of life, so allowing that is abuse of life. Who will trust me if I am an angry freak who is always ready to explore. So that’s not cool. I have to investigate my trust, my commitment, and stand for LIFE. This one life to live, what’s the point of falling, falling and falling and then self-forgiving?

Self-forgiveness is cool, but it is time to stand absolutely firmly to stop the abuse that I have accepted and allowed every now and then with that ‘just one more time’ justification. Not acceptable. Join us: www.desteni.org

 

 

Day 320 – Live here, not in memories or fantasy.

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imagesI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, breath is the key, to slow down, to pause, and to direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize living means to live breath by breath, not memory by memory. Be here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize slowing myself down, bring myself here, breath by breath is the key. I mean, there is no other way to LIVE; any other way would be mind-based living which is not cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my life, is here, in this breath, not in some memory of the yesteryear or in some fantasy yet to come. My life is here, in this breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my life is not hidden in some memory or in some future fantasy, in fact my life is HERE in this breath, breathing. Not breathing therefore means I am not LIVING just lost in the caves of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my LIFE, is HERE, in this ONE breath I am taking now, not in any past breaths or in any future breaths, it is in fact HERE, in this breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, LIVING breath by Breath is not a spiritual theory, and it must be in fact LIVED here breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that my life is HERE, I am alive HERE, I am breathing HERE, so getting lost in the memory or in the future fantasy is in fact NOT LIVING. So this is a decision I must make breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that my life is not a journey of regret, not a journey of hope, rather living HERE in the practical moment of breathing, doing practical things, and doing what is best for all, and LIVING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize LIVING HERE, in this breath, is of great importance, whereas getting lost in the memories or future fantasies is self-abuse, in fact deliberately not LIVING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize living in regret is not living, living in hope is not living. Living is in fact living here breath by breath, doing what is required, and doing what is best for all, I mean, what else is living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize walking through the memory lane with the weight of regret is not living, so here I must make a decision to stop the regret, to stop walking the memory lane, instead be here, breathe, live here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the pit of regret is very heavy indeed, therefore I direct myself to breathe and be here. In and as the breath of life. And live here as breathing, a present human being. Not a heavy, regretful human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, my life is not over, my journey is not over, my world is not over, I mean come ‘on, it just the memories have stopped recreating itself, and that’s it. But I am here. I am breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the non-continuation of my memories as not living, not seen/realizing all that has happened, is just that, the memories have stopped recreating similar one, so it appears as profound lost, actually nothing is lost, I am alive, I am here, I am breathing, the breath is here, and LIFE is here, my life is here. It’s insane to think that memory as the very definition of life. Meaning no life without memories? That’s insane.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that memories don’t’ create/define life, I mean, it is me who direct/define my life. I am here. I am breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize memories, fantasies, hopes, dreams, fears, don’t’ define my life, I am here, moment by moment, breath by breath, I my presence, here, breathing, defines my life. I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my life is in my hand breath by breath, it is not in the hands of memories, or hopes, or fears, or fantasies, I live, I breathe and I direct myself to do what is best for me and best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, the time has arrived to LIVE HERE, otherwise I am only just wasting away my time/life/breaths. So I direct myself to stop, to breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, my life is not over, my world is not over, my existence is not over, perhaps only my mind and memories is over. Cool. Join us: www.desteni.org

 

Day 319 – Friendships: From Gossip to Common Sense support.

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gossipSo start writing says Bernard.

Writing is righting. In writing, we can see what’s going on and place the mind shit onto paper, instead of carrying them within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can ‘think’ through my problems instead of actually writing them in detail and then forgiving them. I see/realize I cannot ‘think’ through the issues, I have to write/right the issues.

I have been carrying some old friendships that has been around for a while, now I see/realize they are totally useless, only just feeding the gossip box. Just talking shit, just whining and complaining, I mean cool to have friendships but it seems all I do with them is just whine/mourn/blame/complain and gossip. And strange enough I call that a friendship. I fear letting these friendships go, within the idea that I will be friendless.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto friendships within the idea that I will be a loser without friends, and within the idea that I ‘need’ them. In this I forgive me for holding onto past friends within the idea that they can come handy on a lonely evening, can feed my mind with some energy during dark moments. In this I see/realize these so-called friendships are just that feeding the loneliness, feeding the gossip, giving some idea of social life, I mean who would I be without any friendships whatsoever?

I am facing a friendship like situation which clearly not supportive, more like a gossip box, good for a lonely cold day, just to chit chat a bit, whine, mourn/blame, complain a bit. Then again I don’t’ know what is that I really want from this friendship/person, it’s not an agreement, not a relationship, not a relative, not a potential candidate, then who the fuck is this person, just a mind-feeder, good for a lonely night, to gossip, to whine, to blame, to scold, to nag, instead of facing the loneliness head-on, I have kept this person/friend as a backup to escape loneliness and feed the mind.

I know a lot of people through this person, I have come to know her family members too, there has been a social expansion due to this person, but the actual friendship as such, is questionable. I mean, if I want to continue gossip, blame, complain, whine, mourn, play a bit of mean game, play bit ego game, yeh then its ok. I think I am being selfish here, knowing very well that this friendship is not best for all, I still keep it, still hold onto it, you know, when I am totally bored, someone to just chit-chat, nag, whine, complain, blame etc. pretty fucked up, I know. Its not good for anyone. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang onto friendships because I think I can still get something out of them, so I continue to keep the friendships even after knowing it’s not assisting me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that friendship as such is not needed, I mean, why do I need this particular friendship? A person to gossip with? Someone who will listen to my whining? Someone who is always there for a chit-chat, good for lonely days, someone who I can visit, hangout, go for coffee etc., but what is that we actually communicate? Just gossiping, no sharing of common sense, just gossiping, chit-chatting nonsense, whining about others, complain about others.

Well instead of totally ending the friendship, I could certainly change the direction, the flow, the nature of the friendship, since there has been some years gone into this, and many folks are involved, I see no reason to entirely END it. However, I could direct the conversations to common sense, sharing of common sense, turn any issues to common sense resolutions, something real, something what is best for all, use the moment to cut through the brainwashing. Things like that, either she will run away and naturally end the so-called friendship OR she will see the common sense and realize some points for self-consideration. But first, I have to be willing to let this go, I cannot HOLD ON it, and DESIRE it, WANT it, and still play the common sense card. I mean I have to be able to LET GO of this friendship completely, then, yes, I am clear, I have no reason to hang onto it, I have no reason to keep in the closet for lonely evenings to dive into gossip/chatter. I mean, that’s pretty fucked up. Cannot keep people as covers for my loneliness.

From now on, I will no longer accept and allow this friendship to exist as a point of cover for loneliness/gossip/chit-chat etc. I see the friendship is here, so that’s cool, but no need to continue in the old style/format. I don’t’ need a gossiper, I don’t’ need someone to dump my blames onto, I don’t’ need someone to whine to, I mean, I can change that, I can instead share common sense, be here, share a moment of breathing, share what is best for all, assist them to cut through their brainwashing. Then, naturally the friendship will either disappear OR its nature will change. There is no point in hanging onto people so that I have a cover for lonely nights, or bored evenings, I mean, that’s fucked up pretty bad.

I call it friendship, but is it really, it’s nothing more than a gossip session. A person to share to my mind-shit with and apparently they understand me, well, what’s really happens is, they just share their mind-shit and I share mine, so we just share our respective mind-shits, and call it a friendship. wow, what a waste breathing.

Then for god’s sake, what is a friendship, is friendship ever possible?

I direct myself to reconsider this friendship, the nature of it, and the content/style of it. I direct myself to reconsider the conversations, the content of conversations, from mindless gossip to actual support. From gossip/chatter to real support dialog. I direct myself to pause when and as I see that our conversation is dragging on endless mind-bullshit, then I stop, I breathe.  When and as I see myself gossiping with this person, i stop, I breathe, then I direct to see what is the common sense in this, instead of just blabering away, feeding nonsense. When and as I see myself just talking for the sake of talking, to keep on the gossip on for the night, I stop, I breathe, because I see/realize this friendship has not evolved/helped neither of us over the years, just only kept the gossip on. When and as I see myself talking about others, and their shit, I stop, I breathe, and I direct myself to see our shit, and direct them in common sense.

Basically, I want a complete change of this friendship, no more gossip, no more shit talking about others, no more whining, no more boredom talk, if there is an actual practical issue to discuss, then we discuss in a common sense practical manner, but I stop just gossiping, endless mindless chatter, which clearly show we are only feeding the bored minds. Join us: www.desteni.org

Day 318 – One Life to live. How to live it is the question.

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the purpose of lifeI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I have allowed this parasite to rule over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my mind is a parasite, just here to suck the life energy out of the physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am allowing the mind to suck the life-energy/substance out of the physical body by participating in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize participation in the mind is my first step in allowing the mind to become a parasite. Because I participate, because I continue to think, the mind is a natural alley, so I see/realize stopping the mind is my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize a whole life-time can be wasted in ‘thinking/feeling’, it’s so easy. And in that I forgive me for allowing myself to participate in the mind and allow the body to be depleted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize this ONE LIFE to live, and wasting that ONE LIFE in thinking/emotions/feelings is a total waste.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that the mind at the final moments of death will ditch the body happily, as it cares not for body but for its own survival as consciousness/mind, the parasite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be intimate with my body, so I direct myself be body-aware and breath-aware. I am here, I am breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that all those dead beings were regretting and missing their human physical bodies, because they were never ‘in the body’ during their times here, instead they were in the mind, so in this I see/realize that I still have the chance to be ‘in the body’ and not ‘in the mind’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am still here alive and walking this ONE life, so I see/realize that I have a chance, the opportunity to be ‘in the body’ through breathing with awareness, in this I see/realize how stupid it would be to waste away my life in thinking/worrying/feeling/regretting etc. I mean no matter how vital or important an issue or a person is, if that point/person takes my entire life and turn me into a thinking box, a worrying box, then I am not doing any assistance to myself, only torturing myself with the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am here as a PHYSICAL BODY, as a PHYSICAL being, my mental/emotional beingness is secondary, meaning only the physical body energy permits the generation of mind/emotional energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize breathing with awareness is the first step, the first step to physical body awareness. Breathing is a physical act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize it would be totally stupid and dumb to waste this ONE LIFE in thinking/regretting/sadness/feeling/loneliness etc, instead I direct myself to LIVE this ONE LIFE fully.

Imagine this ONE LIFE to live: what does it mean ONE LIFE to live. I mean in the span of eternity, infinity, this ONE LIFE is just a blink in the eye of existence, yet in that one blink, one life time, we completely forget and neglect this one life and this existence. I mean, there are millions of humans and gazillions of animal and plant life is waiting for a solution to this earth, they are awaiting for the abuse to end. They themselves are not in a position to end the abuse, so are waiting for us to self-realize and act, and while they wait for us, they are suffering immensely also. I mean, as long as we permit this abusive world system to continue we indirectly permit the violation of life on earth. Simple as that. So my stopping of my mind is vital, meaning, I have to become self-equal, only then will I be able to understand physically the situation/plight as-is in this physical existence. So walking this one life as a responsible being, as a being who has STOPPED his mind is very important.

Not considering this ONE LIFE to live is irresponsible, I mean, we are not here just to party away this ONE LIFE, and have a good time and then die away. I mean, where is the responsibility? I mean why did I come to this earth? Why did I take a human birth? Just to think, think, think, think, feel, feel, feel, and then die away? That sounds very selfish. It can’t be, there is more to this life, more to this ONE LIFE, and that is to be a RESPONSIBLE human being, who has STOPPED his mind, and become self-equal within my body.

I mean so easy to waste this life, so I stop, I breathe; I forgive myself for wasting my life so far in thinking, feeling, emotions and self-pity where I can think even more. I stop, I breathe, and I am here.

Just wasting away life on this earth, by having a nice time, good food, good sex, good life, good job, good car, good house, all that is cool, but not considering the plight of the rest of earthlings is pretty irresponsible. I mean I will have the biggest party of my life, once the equality and oneness of all beings is established, once all abuse on earth is stopped, oh yes, why not I will party, dance, all night. Meaning, there is all the reasons to party, because there is NO abuse on earth and so I have to direct this ONE LIFE to make sure that the abuse on earth ENDS.

I walk this journey, this journey to life, forgiving myself, correcting myself, and all that by first breathing with awareness.

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Day 317 – Try: Breath awareness, and Body awareness.

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Listening to death research interviews done by eqafe.com is really cool. One of the points I got was, how the body is left to die by itself, while the mind conveniently ditches the body in the final moments. Having sucked the substance/life energy out of the physical body for the whole life-time, the mind will ditch the body; mind is only concern about itself. So one of the dead beings said that he missed his body, watching it die away piece by piece, part by part, organ by organ. And the mind is detached from the suffering. The person expressed great regret for missing his body, not being able to be with his physical body anymore, it’s gone now. So that’s cool realization to hear.

So here I am a living being, I have a mind, and I have a body. My body is alive too, I am touching my body, here it is, it’s here, I mean, it’s the vehicle through which ME operates, I am able to sit, type, eat, walk, drink, sleep, live etc because I have this BODY, wow, and at the end this body will be no more, it will return to dust. I will just have to watch my body perishing away.

So when the beings said that they miss their bodies, that was a cool realization to hear. I mean, we often hear “oh I miss them, I miss her, I miss him” etc, but never “oh I miss my body”. That apparently will come at death, as you cross over, as you leave your body behind, and YOU will see your body dying away. And the mind will see that too.

Anyways, what’s important to take from that interview is that BE WITH THE BODY HERE NOW, I mean why wait for death to ‘appreciate/acknowledge’ the body.  The physical body is part of the physical existence. I mean I exist here because I have a physical body, whereas in the afterlife no more physical body, just the beingness of ME only.

How to appreciate this body I have here/now? Besides all the common sense stuff to care for the body, the most important thing is to be intimate with the body, and do that by breathing with awareness. Breath awareness stops the mind, and that stops the depletion of the body. The biggest tormentor of the human body is THINKING/FEELINGS/EMOTIONS. The production of mental, emotional energy by using the physical body. Breathing with awareness stops all that. With Breath-awareness comes body-awareness. So that’s the key, breathe, and stop the mind, be intimate with the body, meaning pay attention to the body.

Getting stuck in the head is no act of care for the body, that’s a gross negligence of the human body. Be in the body often as you can. Breathing is the bridge to the body. Breathing also help to slow down the moments, which can greatly assist into looking at the moments before reacting.

So easy to get caught up about something, and the mind is always ready to feed juicy material for thinking. Able to say NO, and breath is the key. I mean, once participated in the mind it can go on and on and on and on. Have to stop it, breathe, be in the body.

Getting into the body is the access point to realize the oneness and equality of this physical existence. I mean how would you communicate with a butterfly? Can’t do that from the mind, otherwise we would equally and one communicate/understand the animal kingdom.

I realize my mind is a parasite, a white-light kind of a thing, it wants LIGHT and LOVE, at any cost, I mean that’s why thinking, fighting, arguing, feeling, all that so addictive. Keep on feeling, keep on thinking, it’s an addiction. And the mind controllers feed us enough to keep us stuck in the mind. Body awareness is not taught, in fact discouraged by religions (they say body is not real, only the soul/atman/afterlife is real, this physical is unreal). Fucked up reverse spirituality. The real spirituality is grounded in the physical body.

Yet the mind is not an enemy, thoughts are not enemies, I mean that would be separation, I am all of it, I am my thoughts, my mind, my consciousness, my emotions, my feelings, my body, I am me. Yet I see/realize I cannot allow the thoughts as me to have its way. It’s like training a naughty child, no matter how naughty the child is, it’s still your child, can’t disown the child, have to discipline the child, direct the child. Same way, no wars against the mind, or thoughts, simply redirect by breathing, and stopping the thoughts.

Even the so-called ‘energy’ is ME, mind energy, emotional energy, feeling energy, nervous energy, anxiety energy are all ME.  They exist in separation of me, meaning, they are ME, yet separate from me. And that separation is a root cause of the problem. So self-equality, self-oneness means bring the body and all of it as ONE, all of it, including things like nervous energy. Becoming aware of all such things. Become aware of the energies of the body, things like nervous energy, tension, anxiety, fear, anger, it’s all energy movements (as me). Through breathing energy can be stabilized. I am here as ONE, there is no separation in ME, all of ME is ME. And as me I stop some parts or direct them as they are not needed anymore.

That’s the ultimate principle equality and oneness of this existence. The first step to realizing that principle is through the body and breath. Mind cannot do that, otherwise every Joe will be communicating with snails, whales, demons, understanding the plight of every human being and working to bring a solution, which is not the case now, we don’t’ give a fuck about this physical existence, and why is that? Because we don’t’ give a fuck about our own breath, about own body. Self-negligence of breath and body is a SIN yes (I reluctantly use that word SIN). Responsibility is the right word, not sin, it is my responsibility to be aware of my breath and my body.

This ONE life to live, so why waste it in the mind, thoughts, emotions and feelings. Be in the body, become self-equal, realize self-oneness and through that realize the oneness to rest of the physical existence. The plight of this earth and its inhabitants are waiting for a solution, as currently we are eating it up very fast through our MINDs.

The process to get out of the mind is a lengthy one, so join the Journey to Life blogging, read them, write them, start your own process. join us: www.desteni.org

 

Day 316 – Effective Reading Skills is vital.

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readDaily writing continues. Breathing is a good way to start writing. Even after 300+ days of writing, the tendency postpone, neglect is still around, meaning still looking for ways to skip days, find excuses, reasons, justifications why I can miss a day or two. Getting on with it is the key, just start writing, then it happens, the physical movement against mind-patterns to procrastinate, postpone.

I realize my reading skills are not on par, rather poor actually, I was reading some journey to life blogs and half way through I tend to skip fast, a sense of mind-tiring takes over, clearly a sign of inability to read, lack of reading skills. So I direct myself to get on with the Techno-Tutor software I have, to assist me in developing my vocabulary, reading and writing skills. This is a commitment I have to make to make Techno-Tutor a daily part of my life, at least a good 15 minutes of typing away words as they flash by. It’s like playing a game, so much fun as the words flashes away in quick/fast pace, which requires alertness, paying attention etc. And moreover it will assist me in reading, grounding myself here, to stay here. Reading is a physical activity, will ground me here. So that’s a point I have to take on right away, no more postpone.

I cannot read effectively means I will be told about my reality and I will have to rely on what others tell me, because apparently I have no effective skill to read, understand the reality by myself.  That’s what the religious people do as they don’t’ read in great detail, simply ‘believe’ what is being told by the Imam, or the pastor, or monk, or swamis, or gurus etc, effectively falling into the hands of the masters. So yes reading skill is something I have to pay extra attention; make a dedication to read every day play with the Techno-Tutor vocabulary helper.

No I am not too old to develop learning skills, who said that, well my mind just said that. Why this self-doubt is here? Why do I doubt my ability to learn and develop, improve my reading skills? Why is this doubt here? Who put this doubt here? Well I did, by accepting and allowing, listening to the voice in my mind, I allowed the doubt to exist. So I stop the doubt, I stop the voice in the head, thanks but no thanks. Mind is so good at self-sabotage; well only if I allow it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize reading skill is like any other practical skill, the more I do, the better I become. So I direct myself read, write, and invest time in Techno Tutor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly believe that I am too old to focus on reading skills which are apparently for kids only. So I forgive me for thinking and believing that developing reading skill is not for me at this stage, rather for kids only. I stop this self-limiting idea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as too old to learn or improve on how to read, thinking and believing its only for kids not for adults. How insane is that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the idea that ‘I have to learn how to read effectively’, not seen/realizing that reading skill is something one must work at, it’s not like breathing, it requires work, training.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not a great reader, and reading is not for me, I stop this self-limiting idea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself, prohibit myself, by thinking and believing that I am somehow a handicap at reading, not seen/realizing it is my own self-imposed idea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from learning or improving new things, believing that I cannot learn new stuff anymore, not seen/realizing my problem is reading skills, which I am lacking now, it’s not a judgment, but common sense realization, therefore I direct myself to learn, improve my reading skills, and I direct myself to employ Techno-Tutor to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize a regular routine of practice with Techno-Tutor and regular reading can improve my reading skills, and this is proven, so the only question why am I not starting, what is holding me back? Is it my innate fear of failing? Or do I believe that I cannot learn, or improve. I stop this self-limiting idea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself, I stop, I breathe.

Daily reading is another area I have to focus on, read anything, read Journey to Life blogs, equal money system publications, any desteni materials, writings by Chris Hedges, I love reading his views btw, lots of common sense. And not just reading, but comprehension, understanding, I tend to read but not really actually understand the information. So here I have to slow down breathe and walk the information instead of rushing to ‘finish’ reading as if finishing somehow will magically make me comprehend the information, no, no such magic, I have to slow down breathe and realize the presented information.

So here I am, slowly but surely moving through the lethargy and laziness to write for today, again I have proven to myself, get moving, get on with it, that’s the way. Writing is the way to end laziness to write, or procrastination. Doing is the way to end non-doing.

Breathing helps. Be in the body, breathe with awareness, and be attentive of the breath. I mean, a simple thing like breath is here, and ignoring it is such a waste. And to improve my reading skills effective breathing is important.

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