Monthly Archives: May 2012

Day 46 – Will I ever commit Murder?

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This is a serious question to ask. Of course, the answer is very simple, No,  I am not going to cross that line, never; say it again, I will never commit murder no matter what. No matter what happens I will never cross the line to take the life of a human being, regardless how desperate and justifiable the situation is.

Now there is nothing special in my answer, I am sure almost everyone universally will give the same answer. A real practical day-to-day question is, if I am so sure that I will never commit murder, then, Why do I crush people to seek victory over them in small things like wanting to be right, wanting to win an argument, wanting to prove them wrong, wanting to be righteous at the cost of others been put down, wanting to prove others are evil while praising me, why do I backchat nasty shit about them in my mind, and in ample other situations I seek to score victories by knocking others down at times brutally till they breakdown in pieces.

Sure none of the mental, verbal, and emotional abuse above is murder, but isn’t crushing people in a less-than-murderous way any better? Is killing slowly emotionally acceptable? I realize that my urge to win, to defeat, to crush, to prove them wrong, to get even, to seek revenge, all that bullshit must stop, an absolute end of all abuses that I inflict upon the people in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to defeat others and crush others when I find the prime opportunity. Never taking a moment to let it go, let it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never spare a moment in which I could score a win against others and then make myself feel good about it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never hold myself back and let it go, when I get an opportunity to hit back hard. In this I forgive myself for seeking revenge at all cost. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never give others a chance to redeem themselves, instead always look to crush them for their apparent mistakes I perceive as nasty. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never let things go, instead always make sure to get back at them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search and accumulate tools of power against others so when the moment is right, I hit them back, in this I forgive myself for seeking revenge till they crush down and breakdown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never let things go, instead hit them back till they breakdown in pieces, which gives me a happy feeling. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to crush others because it makes me feel good and in this I forgive myself for been addicted to the feeling of feeling good by crushing others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly seek to crush others through conflict/friction to make myself feel good. Their defeat is my happiness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get energy from others by crushing them till they breakdown. I do so to make myself feel good at the cost of others breaking down. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to smile and be happy while others breakdown. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the feeling of happiness I get while seen others breakdown miserably. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘high’ as I see others breaking down due to my power upon them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use all ways and means to get the power so that I can crush others till they breakdown miserably. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to breakdown others just for the sake of me feeling high as a result. 

I forgive myself to that I have accepted and allowed myself to be an abuser who is addicted to abusing others because I am addicted to the high feeling I get following the torture I inflict upon others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to seen others breakdown so that I can feel high by looking at them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to abusing others. 

I stop this addiction, I stop the desire/want/crave/excitement to crush others till they breakdown so bad. I stop the urge to crush others. I stop the righteousness to crush others.

When and as I see myself seeking to score a win against others, I stop, I breathe. When and as I see myself looking to get even, I stop, I breathe. I realize seeking victory over is others is an energy game of the ego. I stop. I breathe. I direct myself to listen, breathe, be here within my body, realizing that breaking down others is not acceptable at all, so I stop it forevermore.

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Day 45 – This One Life to Waste it Away.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into the thinking machine which is raging like a river with old emotions and feelings. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get sucked into mind’s story/machine which is pulling me to keep on thinking/feeling the old stuff and in that the old emotions can be felt and relived. Not realizing in all that I am still here, and I am the directive principle who can direct me what to think and what not think, either to breathe, or not to breathe. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist as an automated, auto pilot, mind that does things on its own, 100% automated, largely thinking feeling and generating emotions within the body and in all that I allowed me to sit/hide and be lost, not taking the responsibility to stop that which is not real, that which only made real by the mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I am thinking is not 100% correct or the 100% truth, its by and large made up by the mind for its own survival, the survival of my Consciousness which at all cost will seek to win against made-up enemies. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back again and again to the mind machine to thinking/feeling so I can live out the nasty imaginations, not realizing I am just thinking nasty shit about others hoping that will give me solace and a feel-good feeling. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think within the believe that it is going to make all things better just by thinking. Not realizing thinking only will make things worse as it will compound the energy and possible consequence will manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the mind though not my enemy, it doesn’t do what is best for all, nor for me, my mind’s only purpose is its own survival, at any cost. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get sucked in thoughts, emotions and feelings and be driven by their force and in that abdicate my responsibility to stand here as LIFE as breathe of LIFE. It is my responsibility to walk as breath here in this one life.

So many life times I have walked very similar process, where love, sex, relationships blues, worries, anxiety, money ruled my life times, and then days went by, life times went by, always returning to the same point of DEATH. Then restarting all over again the same bullshit of money, sex, love, relationship blues, worry, anxiety, etc. Here I have one life time, this life time, (well 43 years gone), whatever years left in it, am I going to waste away in worry, anxiety, anger, hate, memory, sex, money, relationship blues, just like all other times, just like any other human, and then die away? When I look at many who are suddenly dying like my friend Ravi, or Todd who died suddenly at 40, I see they lives just vanished, they had it all, just like me, they had it all, jobs, the normal life, then viola one fine day, death came, the normal life ended. Just this one life, can I dedicate to live for LIFE, meaning, to not give into Consciousness, not to give into emotions, thoughts, feelings, to the mind’s machine. I mean, so easy to follow the mind, its nasty anger, rage, revenge, scold, blame, bitterness, meanness, spitefulness (deliberate hurt), all that is what Consciousness/Mind loves, so here is my chance, this one life, to live so what I can LIVE for and as LIFE, here as breathe,. This is call birth of life. to Live here is birth of life.

I mean when I look back at my life, I see years and years of the same old pattern, morning mood for example, how many days I would have woken up with rage anger and bad nasty anger at somebody then looking for nasty spiteful ways avenge it. I recall waking up in anger and sudden burst of bad moods towards my parents, I mean it would be so real and nasty, likewise I did the same to my brother, direct my anger towards him. There had been always a mind enemy for me with whom I battle/conflict/friction so mind’s urge for battles was satisfied. I see the bullshit nasty game I got caught in and played all throughout my life. Never once was I able to stop, and ask What am I gaining, what am I winning here? what am i fighting this fight for? it was a fight just for the sake of fight, so feel good, mind needs energy, the usual boost, which comes from fights/friction/conflict with others. its like 2 stones rubbing against each other make to fire, that’s exactly happens in fights, the fire of energy is birthed for the mind to live longer. yet as fight/conflicts/friction is fought, much harm and damage is done to the physical body and of course for other humans who are part of the fighting equation.

When and why this must stop? I stop this now, and why? because this ONE LIFE to live, to birth me as life, this one chance, I mean, what a great opportunity, a chance, how often does such chances come? Where is ravi now, where is Todd now? I mean are they walking as humans at this moment? I dont’ know, but for sure, they dont’ have the chance in the physical to birth themselves as life. Animals don’t have a mind, plants dont’ have a mind, its the humans who got the chance and the challenge to birth themselves as LIFE. The dead are dead, meaning, they lost the chance in the physical. In the afterlife they will do their birthing process I guess, I don’t know, but I know for sure, my life is HERE, I am breathing, and I have a change to birth me as life, in this one life time. Will I make it or ruin it? Breathe by breathe its a decision, a commitment, a direction, so I can birth me as life.

I know one thing for sure, things like moody blues, anger, rage, revenge, spite, I have had for 43 years hasn’t got me anywhere, I mean yeh it gave me a momentary bits of rewards and apparent victory over others, nothing really great came out of it. But I am here still, at the same point of rage, anger, bitterness, nastiness, relationship blues, etc etc, so same point, different actors in the scene, but the same story.

I can stop here, breathe, look at the physical, be with the physical, and not give into the mind. This is a one time chance. this one life time to birth me as life. I mean i will not have this chance in the physical once I am dead, am I?

So here I am deciding, dedicating, committing myself to walk this ONE LIFE, to birth me as LIFE through the physical. No matter what, I will stand for life, though I am hesitant to make that statement, but yes it must be made, “No matter” I will stand, otherwise, a little storm my resolve will end. So it must be stated: No matter what I will stand to birth me as life in this one life time, no matter what I will not ruin this life time, and live as a normal mind/consciousness. So I commit me, to walk this life breath by breath, to stop my mind, my thoughts, emotions, and feelings, by been HERE as physical.

My body is here. Just be with my body, here, breathing, feeling the physical body, not giving into the thoughts, emotions, feelings, Here I am.

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Day 44 – Not breathing means Dead or Zombie.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize not breathing means I am not here, I am gone somewhere within my imaginary world of illusions where anything is possible, where heroes are made, and enemies are destroyed, all make-belief stories told and retold, where history is reactivated, and memories are relived, all inside the grey matter, and in this I forgive myself for naming the illusion the real, and the real the illusion. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been living in the head, in the mind, in the automatic pilot mode, flying high, not considering regarding anything in the physical, including my body nor the this physical existence. in this I forgive myself for not breathing, as not breathing what takes me into the mind/imagination. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct a reality based on imagination. based on emotional attachments and the values i have placed upon things and people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT value life, instead only value the lives of those that matter to me in ways that I have defined them as ‘special’. Not realizing, every living being here, including, animals, plants, people are all life, hence equal in value. in this I forgive myself for living within my mind and disregarding life of all. 

When and as I see myself not breathing, I STOP, I breathe. I realize not breathing means I have gone lost into the world of fancy, and have become a zombie, hence I stop, I breathe each breath here.

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Day 43 – I suck upto Rich and Successful People

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on the personality of a slave  when I am speaking with so called successful people. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear me-the-slave face when I am dealing with my managers and bosses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bow down to successful people in wanting their approval and recognition and liking towards me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak in a tone of unequal and almost slave-like when I am dealing with rich and successful people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see rich and successful people as Gods and hence bow down to them in words and voice tonality speaking with words like “sir, madam”  just to please them and appease them to be liked by them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as less-than to rich and famous and successful people in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bow down in my words and manner of speak when I am dealing with socalled rich and successful people as if I want to be liked by them and admired by them for by devotion to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak differently to poor people and rich people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself speak admirably and devotionally towards rich and successful people while speak in a pity towards poor people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to admire and worship rich/successful people just like how I used to worship the Gods, which clearly shows I still see rich/successful people like Gods. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see rich/successful people as Gods and therefore submit my devotion and admiration to them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak with a tone of submission when I am speaking to rich/successful people as if I am speaking to God himself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value rich/successful and therefore admire them, worship them as if they are Gods. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire/want/ to be liked by rich/successful people so that I can feel good about me, after all its like been loved by God himself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love/like/admire/worship rich/successful people in wanting/desiring to be like them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a money God like the rich/successful people I have met in my life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seek approval/appreciation/validity from the rich/successful people, its like been approved by God himself.

I forgive myself to that I have accepted and allowed myself to worship rich/successful people in the desire to be like just them, to be a God like them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a money God.

I forgive myself to that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here as breath and be equal and one to all, instead to value more those who are rich/successful only and not bother with poor people.

When and as I see myself to wearing a mask of sucking up to rich/successful people, I STOP, I breathe, I remain here seen that all are equal and money is only a man-made belief that is giving power to some and nothing to most. I stop the admiration and worshiping of rich and successful. I breathe.

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Day 42 – Reading Aloud Journey to Life Blogs Daily

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I realize I must make the time to read Journey to Life blogs written by other destonians. At the moment, I read Creation’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life, and recently started Earth’s Journey to Life too. So here I have decided to add 1 more blog to my reading list daily. Meaning, every day in addition to the 3 blogs above, I will pick a random Journey to life blog so overtime I will get to read all JTL blogs at least once. The 7 year journey to life process is more discussed here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not read blogs written by other destonians believing that reading the 3 main JTL blogs as sufficient. This is a limitation I have imposed upon myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that reading another’s forgiveness statement is as effective as reading my own. As another is me undoing a pattern. 

I commit myself to continue with reading aloud Creation’s blog, Heaven’s blog, and Earth’s blog everyday.

I commit myself to pick a random JTL blog everyday and read it aloud, realizing in that way I will get to cover all JTL blogs at least once. 

I commit myself to continue writing my own JTL blog daily.

I commit myself to dedicate some time in the mornings to write my JTL blogs.

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Day 41- Triple Murder in Family.

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A young man killed his young wife and his parents-in-law, what an insane act of madness. The system we have is not supporting anyone, may be the guy had many accumulating life problems, that needed support at a very early stage, but instead those problems accumulated and accumulated to the point where he turned himself into a demon, taking the lives of 3 and losing his own into a life time of jail, while his 15 months old baby will be left alone forevermore in this world.

Sad isn’t it. It didn’t have to happen. All 3 lives could have been saved, and they could have enjoyed a good family life with their 15 months old baby, but no, all is gone now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system that allows humans to do insane things like murder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system that doesn’t consider every aspect of human life and then accordingly support when troubles arrive, instead wait till its too late to do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system that is all too quick to condemn the killers but never look into how to prevent the killings in the first place by taking care of all the human needs so humans can live a dignified life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system that allows family members to kill each other because they have had no support whatsoever to sort out their matrimonial problems at an early stage, instead the system turns a blind eye until its too late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system that gives no support whatsoever to couples to sort out their difficulties so that they can actually enjoy a happy family life, instead the system turns a blind eye, all too busy making money and criminalizing the killers and not realizing the real killer is the system that is killing the humans slowly for the sake of its own survival and money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system that failed to save the lives for 3 people who got killed by their own son-in-law/husband.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system that failed to see troubles in families before they become too late. while the system will rush in the police as if a war zone has been declared, but never rushes in when troubles are just arising up within the families, it seems only when its too late, the system will turn on the ‘care’ button in the form of rushing the police and ambulances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system that ignores families and their inner troubles by saying “it is their private business”, not realizing nothing is just ‘their private business’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system that worries only about making money rather than actually be concerned about all humans and their inner lives. In this way murders will be stopped forevermore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system that failed to support young women and men as they search to establish a family life for themselves, the system has failed to support the making of family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system that continues as if all-is-well while here we have 3 dead humans who were knifed to death indicating a deep rooted disease within the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system that has ignored the humans entirely that it supposed to support and care, instead the system is all too busy making money for itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system that declares war on killers and violent offenders yet the system never cares to prevent family violence in the first place by supporting and assisting families at all stages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of a system that see humans and families as customer units,  who must buy things to generate money for the system. It seems life is all about buying and selling and this system-god will do all it can to make sure money is made while the humans suffer without any support and assistance to sort out their day to day problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize all violence must cease with me first, by me stopping the backchat of my mind, and the energy producing thinking of my mind. I realize I am the first point where violence must cease. so within, so without. I realize I am one and equal to all and everything here including the system that allows murder to happen.

When and as I see myself ‘thinking’ I stop, I breathe. I realize the energy of my thinking is contributing to the chaos of this world. When every mind is silent, there cannot be any murders.

I commit myself to speak up and expose all forms of violence in this world, in doing I stand one and equal to all so we can birth a new system that truly cares.

I commit myself to show that there is a way to prevent the madness and insanity of this world.

I commit myself to show that we don’t have to accept and allow this failed system which allows family members to murder each other.

I commit myself to show that a system of support and assistance must be made available to all families so that troubles can be detected at early stages and resolved within care and compassion instead of declaring war by rushing in armed cops to homes to resolve disputes within families.

There is a better way to live in this world.

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Day 40 – I miss a step, I miss the journey: Effectiveness of Today’s writing is the KEY.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to giving to the desires of the mind  and want to take a break from daily writing, not realizing its a sure way to self sabotage my daily blogging. 

 I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that ‘now I can take it easy, having made for 40 days, now i can take it cool, and relax’. Not realizing, even missing one day can compound and make the following day harder to get back to writing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realiz that this writing activity is a serious self-journey, it is where I write me to freedom, i am the only point of accountability in this, I do this for me, I write this for me, I write to undo my own patterns of behavior and mindsets. So the importance of daily blogging is something I assign and I understand. I am walking this to undo my own patterns thru the 7 year process of writing, daily. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it is not the long journey that matters, rather the very step Here, this BLOG tonight, this entry tonight, that will make the difference, this drop, this piece of writing today, the journey is simply what accumulates. Is it going to 7 years of useless writing or 7 years of effective, dedicated, step by step writing? I decide that each night, as I write me to right.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the small step I take tonight in writing this piece is really that matters, I mean not the 7 year journey, because journey is simply the accumulation process, is this step, this item here, this drop here, this piece of writing tonight here that makes all the difference. Because if I miss to walk this step then I will miss the 7 year journey. 

I commit myself take the time needed to do the daily blogging, the daily writing of self forgiveness effectively and to the point, instead of just rushing to get a blog out. I commit myself to slowly, smoothly, step by step walk this step, this writing tonight. I realize I have been more focused on getting the blogs out, NO, the step, the statements of self forgiveness, the self correction of this blog here is what matters. Therefore I commit myself to get this step as effective as I can, so I need to put the proper time and proper effort into this step here tonight. Journey simply accumulates.

So I realize this daily writing time, is really the most intimate self-time of the day, where I get to dig out my shit and effectively and set a new course for my life. Day by day, blog by blog, piece by piece I will write myself to freedom. In this no rushing, no just write something to get something out. No. I write to Right myself daily step by step, and let it accumulate

www.desteni.org. 

Day 39 – I rush within my mind. A tree Lives Here.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself, instead of just breathing here one breath at a time. As I can only live one breath, just this breath. Rushing is mind rushing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush as I allowed myself to be rushed with the mind, instead of been here as breath/breathing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe each breath, and in that rush myself to get ahead, reach to an imaginary future within the mind, as future is only within the mind, here I remain as breath as physical body. 

So I breathe, I slow down, yet alert attentive, directing myself to get things done, not mistaking slowing down to sleeping. No, I am here, breathing, slowing down, no rush, yet moving, getting things done. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate a future, an imaginary future which is chaotic and nasty, because I imagined so, in that I forgive myself to think about future and be all stressed out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush to a future within my thoughts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself to a future that exists only within my thoughts. Instead of been here, as breath, as breathing, as physical, I allowed myself to rush, in that I forgive myself for allowing myself to rush myself within my thoughts. I am here breathing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘stressed out’ because I think about stressful situations and imagined nasty situations and in that I forgive myself for manifesting my thoughts. Stress is self created, instead of breathing, here, as one and equal as my breath, as my body, I allowed me to rush within myself. 

One breath, just this breath, I breathe with full awareness, I feel I sense my body, i remain here. This is living like a tree, a tree doesn’t think, imagine, plot, gossip, backchat, it simply is HERE as life as one and equal to all that is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself into a future, not realizing life is here in this very breath. 

I relax, I calm down, I breathe, I breathe wholly, I breathe with awareness, I remain here, I learn from that tree, I realize life giving tree does not think, it is here as life.

When and as I see myself rushing within my thoughts, into an imaginary future, I STOP, I breathe, I remain here as breath, I support myself with breathing FULL here as life.

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Day 38 – Me the Outsider Fearing Others.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others as a threat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others as a danger to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others because I see them as a threat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others because I fear they could hurt me at their will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting hurt by others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting emotionally hurt by others, and out of this fear, I fear associating with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid others in the fear of getting hurt by them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never trust others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always doubt and be suspicious of others, because I see others as a permanent threat, who at will could hurt me, and leave me all defenseless and vulnerable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always doubt and be suspicious about others and in that never allowed myself to be intimate with others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing intimacy with others, as I allowed myself to fear been intimate with others, just out of fear getting hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always believe that others will only care and love their own kind, and never me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always believe that others have no ‘connection’ to be me, hence they have nothing to lose by losing me, therefore they will not hesitate to attack me or hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear been vulnerable with others because I fear getting taken advantage of, or getting hurt. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to fear trusting others as I believe others have their own kind to worry about and take care of, so why would they not hesitate to attack me. I am an outsider. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always see myself as an outsider to any group of people, in this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize it is me who is isolating me within my own judgments and ideas. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see people as “others” and me as separate from “others”. in this I forgive myself for always creating a wall, a barrier that I could never cross to be intimate with others, always remaining within the walls of fear of getting hurt. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others as special therefore I see myself as never been part of others, whom will inevitably reject me over time because I am not part of “others”. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as an outsider who can never be part of a group, never be part of a family, never be part of a group of friends or co-workers. In this I forgive myself for fearing “others” by permanently seen myself as an outsider.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as an outsider and in that I forgive myself for always mistrusting others and avoiding others and fearing others. All because of my own judgments about me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from others because of my own judgments about me, and my fear of getting hurt. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear been vulnerable, fear been intimate with others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the root of my problem is lack of self-intimacy, instead of me becoming intimate with me, I seek/want/search for intimacy with others, with all my judgments about others, and in that, I never really experiencing intimacy (but only more fears and more hurts).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I have separate me from others by labeling me as an outsiders, and in that I have avoided others, avoided communicating with others, avoided trusting others. Only living within my own fears and labels. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from others, thru my own judgments and fears, instead of breathing, been here as breathe. 

…To be continued

When and as I see myself to fearing others, mistrusting others, seen others as a threat, seen others as plotters of hurt against me, I STOP, I breathe, I realize it is an old mind pattern that is fearing rest of mankind, I realize my label of me as an “outsider” doesn’t help, therefore when and as I see myself putting on the “outsider” hat, I stop, I breath, I remain here as breath of life. In breath, I am one and equal to all that is Here. I realize intimacy is only possible with breathe/breath, otherwise as the mind judgments kick in, creating a wall between me and others. So when and as I see myself fearing others, I stop, I breath, knowing that it is only an old mind pattern. I am here breathing.

I mean there are hundreds of reasons to fear and mistrust others, and create permanent walls, yet in breathing, in breath, I remain here, I stand here as a manifestation of equality and oneness, at least for a moment, just for this breath. In that I birth me as life, which is not an outsider for anyone/anything, as life is all.

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Day 37 – Fear of Others – part 2

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view 2 or more people talking together as a threat, because I believe they are talking about me, they are plotting against me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see 2 or more people talking together as a threat to me because I judge that as a plot against me, or them talking about me against me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear groups of 2 or more because I fear they might be talking about me, and plotting against me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear groups of 2 or more because I see them as a group against me and therefore fear them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as “1-to-1″ person and in that I forgive myself for defining myself as a not a group person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear groups of 2 or more because I believe that they must not like or they must be feeling uncomfortable to include me in their midst. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically believe that groups of 2 or more won’t like to include me because I see myself as a misfit for a group. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as a not a group person and in that definition I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as a loaner and in that definition I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself from group activities. 

I forgive myself to that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear groups because I fear been bullied within the group by its members. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see me, define me as a non-group member, who is a misfit for any social groups, or family groups, in that I forgive myself  for accepting and allowing myself to limit me, and isolate me by simply placing definitions upon myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place limitations upon myself by judging and fearing to communicate with others within the groups of 2 or more. Its all stems from fear to communicate and be intimate with others within a group setting. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear been intimate with people in a group settings because I believe group settings are not ideal for connecting with individuals and therefore not seek to communicate with persons individually 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear communications within a group settings because I believe that I am not invited to speak or I am not allowed to speak in a group setting. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself within a group setting. Because I believe that my participation is not welcomed within a group, they just simply tolerate my presence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am only tolerated within a group setting, because they actually don’t like me to be intimate and close to them, I am just given a chair, but not a place in their midst. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and feel angry towards group members when they don’t include me within them as an equal and one member to others, while only giving me a chair but not an equal and one place just like all others within the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize equality and oneness with all others exist only at the level of life, as LIFE we are equal and one, but as social beings, there are differences, classes and segments, which only real if I give those divisions any attention. in this I forgive myself for not been HERE as breath of LIFE, instead I goto my mind and allow thoughts of divisions to dominate my physical reality HERE. as breath there exist NO divisions, as breathe I am here equal and one to ALL, in fact.

When and as I see myself giving into mind divisions in the form of social classes, family groups, blood bonds, familiarity bonds, professional bonds, cultural bonds, ethnic bonds, I STOP, I Breathe. I remain here. I realize as Breathe I am equal and one to all here.

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