Monthly Archives: April 2012

Day 11 – Stop give-me-attention-or-else-war with Breathing.

Day 11. Journey to Life. It seems there is an emotional beast within me that rises everyday or so, usually in the evenings. When it takes over me, I crave and demand for attention, usually my wife is the target, she better give me attention OR else, some sort of hell will manifest. I demand attention, as if there is this hungry beast within me, urging, wanting, desiring, attention to feel better.

Shame to admit, this beast, this hungry ghost is me, I become like a cry whiny baby, needing my mama to pacify me. I am 43 and my wife is no my mama. She is such a tough cookie, she will ignore me with an extra bite to it when I get carried away by this beast. There is no way she is going to act like my mama, not even for a moment. She is my toughest teacher, she is demanding me to take self-responsibility for my shit. Today around 7pm, I was totally and completely taken over by this familiar decade old emotional beats within me, it was ready for give-me-attention-or-else-war. Had I gone home with that state of mind, it would have been an unwise idea. I called a fellow destonian, I discussed the situation and I came to see how my accepted and allowed lack of self-responsibility is the cause of this accumulated beast within me. It has nothing to do with my wife, though, I often blame her for my moods.

After doing some self-forgiveness and self-reflections, I push thru the resistances and emotional old pain, I went home, had supper, enjoyed a pleasant evening. This evening is very important to me, because I avoided a self-manifested hell for us. Others did nothing, it is me, who took the steps to change my starting point and walk thru the resistances.

Here I am writing my self-forgiveness to release this self-made beast within me. I write this to change me, after all I am the beast that need change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my wife must make me happy when I am in a bad mood. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave by giving another the power to make me happy or unhappy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up my power to another being, by saying, they have power to make me happy or unhappy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my wife within my backchat/mindchats for blaming her for what I feel within me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always blame somebody for what I feel within me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always desire and want another to give me attention. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care for me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and scold others believing that will make others give me attention. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck in wants/desires/needs and demand my wife to satisfy them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand others to make me happy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make me a slave by placing my happiness in the hands of others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care for me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give attention to me by breathing with awareness here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I lack care/attention/affection etc because I have not given those to me, 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here as breath and breathing, instead wanting another to pacify me, care for me, love me, hold me, hug me, cuddle me, be affectionate to me, in the meantime I have entirely ignored myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am here as breath and that is enough. I have only created the idea of lack. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in lack and believe that I lack, not realizing that lack is just that, an idea in my mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, first I need a self-agreement in which I embrace me as breath here, in which I stand here as breath, not wanting/desiring/needing/ anything to fill me up. 

I am here, I breathe.

When and as I see myself craving for attention, care, love, affection, from another, I STOP, I breathe, I breathe with full breaths, till I can pull the breath to my navel area. In that way I support myself to overcome this emotional beast I have become within me. I direct myself to STOP participating in any thoughts, and blames, I simply breathe and remain here.

Join us: www.desteni.org

Day 10 – Skip Writing Just for Today.

Day 10. Wow, I made it to day 10. Cool. But there is this voice telling me just skip writing for just today, given that its already past midnight, might as well forget this day, for day # 10 of the 7 year process of writing.

That’s the point you see, I cannot skip even ONE day, to me that is not acceptable. For me to walk the 7 year process of writing, I must write everyday. Of course, some days may be practically not possible for various reasons, yes sure, then, I will have to skip a day or even two. But not giving up by skipping a day, that’s mind’s desire for skipping/resting, nothing to do with practical stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think within my backchat that its ok to skip a day of self-writing. its ok to rest for a day.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that its ok to skip a day in this 7 year of process of self-writings. its ok to rest for a day.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my mind’s desire to drop self-writing for a day, in the name of resting.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am going on so cool now with self-writing, so it is perfectly OK to skip a day or two, wow not realizing it is a big mind trap. I realize the moment I take a ‘day off’ in this process, that is it, its done.

So when and as I see myself desiring to ‘rest’ for a day by skipping self-writing, I STOP, I breathe, and I direct myself to write. Write something, write anything. Tons of things to self forgive.

I commit myself to walk this 7 year process of self-writing of self forgiveness daily, I mean daily. And daily means everyday, not every other day, no, it means daily.

I commit myself to sit and write everyday.

I commit myself to write out my patterns and self forgive them everyday in my self writings.

Join us: www.desteni.org

Day 9 – Breathing is the Best Emotional Painkiller.

Day 9: Journey to Life. Breathing is best during any emotional storms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get carried away with my mind’s emotional storms. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get carried away with another’s mind storms just like how i get carried away with my mind storms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see another’s mind storm just as that, a mind storm, just like mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not support another during their mind storms. while only liking them when they are all nice and jolly. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear another’s mind storms. because i fear i might react in kind to their mind storms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my mind storm or another’s mind storm, it is no different, just minds going crazy, that is all. Hence the only solution is breathing. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that awareness of this breath here can save mind storms, mind tsunamis, mind explosions, in fact any mind entity can be held at bay with breathing here as physical. 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fail endless times just to remain as breath here, instead i have allowed myself to get carried away with mind entities and ride the wave of emotional disasters. 

I have abused myself enough with getting carried away with my own mind storms and another’s mind storms. 

When and as I see myself giving importance to my mind’s emotional fluctuations, I STOP it. I breathe. I realize my mind’s storms are just that emotional energy swings designed just to bring disasters, yet it is entirely upto me. So I direct myself to not participate in the mind during emotional turbulence. I simply breathe, I remain here.

When and as I see another going thru their mind’s storms, I realize and recognize their helplessness and offer my compassionate support by not reacting, by not judging, by not blaming back or scolding, I see I have done the very same thing too, therefore I offer them my support by me simply breathing here and not reacting whatsoever to their mind storms. When the storms settles, we can discuss, we can agree or disagree, but during the mind storms I simply remain as breath and not participate in the tennis game. After all there is only a game, if I hit the ball back. So I stop the game, by not participating in this abusive emotional game.

Just this one life to live. Its upto me what I make out of it. What has happened has already happened, I cannot undo today’s emotional tennis game, but there will be another day, another game, another time, another breathe, where I can stand here as breath.

I commit myself to breathe with self-awareness at all times, not giving into my mind’s chatbacks, backchats. I commit myself to remain here in the present moment as this physical breath here.

I commit myself to breathe here, this breath, and not bring out the past, or fears.

Join us www.desteni.org

Day 8 – “I Am Waiting” is an irresponsible Excuse.

Day 8: Journey to Life: I am waiting, what an excuse!!!

Today, I heard this statement “I am waiting” (for something to be finished so I can get on with my own task), and sure enough I experienced anger, frustration, and disappointment. Taking it back to myself, I see it clearly, that I have used that very same excuse “I am waiting” for this/that so many times just to avoid taking self-responsibility.

“I am waiting” for him to send me the document, “I am waiting” for summer to arrive, “I am waiting” for a next weekend, “I am waiting” for my next vacation, “I am waiting” for my next birth, “I am waiting” for God. So on and on, a long list of “I am waiting” excuses, not realizing they just waste away my life in just waiting (till death of course then no more waiting/weighting).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the words “I am waiting” for this or that, not realizing that’s a lame excuse. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the words “I am waiting” so many times just to avoid taking self-responsibility to get the job done. Instead use that phase to avoid doing what is needed here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the words “I am waiting” to hide from taking self-responsibility. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the words “I am waiting” to avoid facing my manifested consequences believing if “I just wait”, I can avoid facing them. Not realizing the more “I wait”, the more heavier the consequences will be and become. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “I am waiting” is an excuse similar to saying “I am waiting” to die. I mean, the question is how long are you going to just “wait”, till death? till next life?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “wait” so that death can arrive while “I wait”, in that waste my entire life just “waiting” for others to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “wait” for God to solve this world’s problems. Basically “I am waiting” for God to act first. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in speaking the words “I am waiting”, I am in fact allowing the abuses to continue. Because I am waiting for someone/God/masters/Gurus/teachers/others to fix them for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “wait” for so long. Instead of looking at the practical situation here, and asking the question “What can I do now”? and then moving myself to physical do them, I justify my irresponsibility by saying “I am waiting” for this or for that, or for death, or for God, so I can move my Butt eventually. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated within me today when I heard the words “I am waiting” because that is exactly what I have been doing all my life, “I am waiting” and wasting away without any actual self-directed movements. 

No more “I am waiting”. Instead I ask, “What can I do”? and then move myself within practical common sense to get the job done. 

So when and as I see myself giving excuses like “I am waiting” I stop, I breathe. Because I realize “I am waiting” could mean “I am waiting for death” or “I am waiting” for my next life to move my ass, and in that I will have wasted my life.

So, when and as I see myself giving that “I am waiting” excuse, I stop, and I breathe, and I ask the question “what can I do” and then move myself to actually do them.

Join us: www.desteni.org

Day 7 – Please, Smile with Me.

Day 7: Journey to Life: Wanting others to smile with me.

I notice that I was bit upset when I was walking with my wife today, because she wasn’t smiling with me. Basically if she doesn’t smile or in jolly mood with me, I see that as “Oh she doesn’t like me”. I like it when she is all happy and smiling with me, which makes me happy. So the subtle point is: “Please make me happy by you smiling with me, or you been a jolly with me”. Its about making me happy, please.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to make me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when in relationship, the partner must make me happy by smiling with me, or been jolly with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need and want my partner to make me happy by smiling, and been in a jolly mood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others must make me happy by smiling with me, or been jolly with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in relationships the partners must make each other happy, must smile with each other and must give joy and happiness to each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek happiness from others and therefore demand others to smile with me, or to be jolly with me, so that I can be happy. I can smile too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my partner to put a smile on my face, by she smiling with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when my partner is having a pouting face. Because I believe she must put on smiling face for me, which will make me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand my partner to smile with me, regardless of what she is going through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be depended on others for my own self-joy or self-happiness, or self-feeling-good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others, specially women and children, to make me happy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be liked by women and children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be liked by my partner and child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be lacking something if she doesnt’ smile with me, or be jolly with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel all bad and down, when my partner doesn’t smile with me or be jolly with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about me, when my partner smiles with me, or be jolly with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about me when others smile with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about me when others show me their pouting faces.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate those who show pouting faces to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by how others show their faces to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up my self responsibility for my own self-calmness by demanding and wanting others to smile with me to make me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dependent on other’s smiles, to make me happy or unhappy.

So when and as I see myself reacting to another’s smile happily, I STOP it. I breathe. Because reacting to another’s smile happily is a dependent drug. It can easily turn other way.

So when and as I see myself reacting to another’s pouting face, i STOP it, I breathe. Because I am simply letting another’s mood to upset my inner state. So I will direct myself to breathe, or to do something physical, or simply to not to pay attention to their pouting faces. I will direct myself to simply breathe, and be here within myself and not be controlled by the faces of others. I am here, I am breathing, I am physically here, without any judgement or reactions towards another for their facially expressions.

Join us: www.desteni.org

Day 6 – Endless Complaining as Communication.

Day 6: Journey to Life: Complaining. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use complaining as a way of communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always complaining to my brother whenever he phones me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my conversations with my brother just for me complaining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my brother as some kind of a complaining board.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge the phone time in just complaining instead of talking something useful or practical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use complaining as a way to get sympathy from my brother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on a self-pity face as my brother calls, and then go on and on about bullshit complains about my life situations. As if the only reason he called is just to let me have complain session.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain to my brother whenever we communicate over the phone, and I have done this for years now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there are many things to talk about, yet I limit myself to just complain and nag about things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on the phone conversations going on and on by just complaining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my brother should take my side and be sympathetic to me, therefore I have allowed myself to just complain and  complain.

So when and as I see myself complaining to my brother next time, I STOP it, I breathe. and I direct myself to talk about other stuff, about his life, his family, his job etc. And if there is nothing to talk, I will simply end the phone call. I realize just endless mindless nonstop complaining is not a form of communication, it’s actually abusing the other and abusing my self. So when and as I see myself complaining to my brother about things, I simply STOP it, and I breathe.

Join us: www.desteni.org