Monthly Archives: April 2012

Day 7 – Please, Smile with Me.

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Day 7: Journey to Life: Wanting others to smile with me.

I notice that I was bit upset when I was walking with my wife today, because she wasn’t smiling with me. Basically if she doesn’t smile or in jolly mood with me, I see that as “Oh she doesn’t like me”. I like it when she is all happy and smiling with me, which makes me happy. So the subtle point is: “Please make me happy by you smiling with me, or you been a jolly with me”. Its about making me happy, please.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others to make me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when in relationship, the partner must make me happy by smiling with me, or been jolly with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need and want my partner to make me happy by smiling, and been in a jolly mood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others must make me happy by smiling with me, or been jolly with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in relationships the partners must make each other happy, must smile with each other and must give joy and happiness to each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek happiness from others and therefore demand others to smile with me, or to be jolly with me, so that I can be happy. I can smile too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my partner to put a smile on my face, by she smiling with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when my partner is having a pouting face. Because I believe she must put on smiling face for me, which will make me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand my partner to smile with me, regardless of what she is going through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be depended on others for my own self-joy or self-happiness, or self-feeling-good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want others, specially women and children, to make me happy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be liked by women and children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be liked by my partner and child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be lacking something if she doesnt’ smile with me, or be jolly with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel all bad and down, when my partner doesn’t smile with me or be jolly with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about me, when my partner smiles with me, or be jolly with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about me when others smile with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about me when others show me their pouting faces.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate those who show pouting faces to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by how others show their faces to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up my self responsibility for my own self-calmness by demanding and wanting others to smile with me to make me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dependent on other’s smiles, to make me happy or unhappy.

So when and as I see myself reacting to another’s smile happily, I STOP it. I breathe. Because reacting to another’s smile happily is a dependent drug. It can easily turn other way.

So when and as I see myself reacting to another’s pouting face, i STOP it, I breathe. Because I am simply letting another’s mood to upset my inner state. So I will direct myself to breathe, or to do something physical, or simply to not to pay attention to their pouting faces. I will direct myself to simply breathe, and be here within myself and not be controlled by the faces of others. I am here, I am breathing, I am physically here, without any judgement or reactions towards another for their facially expressions.

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Day 6 – Endless Complaining as Communication.

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Day 6: Journey to Life: Complaining. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use complaining as a way of communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always complaining to my brother whenever he phones me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my conversations with my brother just for me complaining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my brother as some kind of a complaining board.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge the phone time in just complaining instead of talking something useful or practical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use complaining as a way to get sympathy from my brother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put on a self-pity face as my brother calls, and then go on and on about bullshit complains about my life situations. As if the only reason he called is just to let me have complain session.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain to my brother whenever we communicate over the phone, and I have done this for years now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there are many things to talk about, yet I limit myself to just complain and nag about things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep on the phone conversations going on and on by just complaining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my brother should take my side and be sympathetic to me, therefore I have allowed myself to just complain and  complain.

So when and as I see myself complaining to my brother next time, I STOP it, I breathe. and I direct myself to talk about other stuff, about his life, his family, his job etc. And if there is nothing to talk, I will simply end the phone call. I realize just endless mindless nonstop complaining is not a form of communication, it’s actually abusing the other and abusing my self. So when and as I see myself complaining to my brother about things, I simply STOP it, and I breathe.

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Day 5 – Bad Moods

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Day 5: Journey to Life. Releasing Bad Moods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moody.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get drowned in moods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get all emotionally swamped with moods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surrender myself to my moods, as if i have no self-power whatsoever over this mood i feel now and then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize mood is doom,

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to my moods, moods of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel down and depressed as moods take over me.

i forgive myself that i  have accepted and allowed myself to feel all down, sad and depressed when moods take over me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to demand others to assist me during my ‘down’ time, in that, i have not taken self responsibility to STOP my participation in the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my thoughts while moods run high and keep compounding the moods by further thinking.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame others during my mood times.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame and scold others during my mood times because i subtly believe that others have caused my moods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself believe that my moods are caused by others and so they must be blamed and scold for it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry during my mood times. and let my anger roll onto my family members as verbal out bursts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel agitation and irritation when i am in bad mood, and believe that i must run away from everyone to avoid my moods.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the whole world is hating me and disliking me during my mood times.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that nobody likes me because i am taken over by moods.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize this mood is recurring, because it is just an emotional rise and fall within the mind which i have created over the years by participating in thoughts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my moods have more power than my breathing here as physical; meaning, i have allowed moods to take over me instead of just breathing here as life.

So when and as I experience that very familiar mood again, I simply STOP participating in   any thoughts, and I breathe. I will direct myself to drink ample water, I will direct myself to do something physical. Further, I will avoid participating in any discussions with anyone during such times. I will support myself by going for a walk, or doing self forgiveness out aloud, or just been physical, because I realize going to the head will take me to that old ugly town where i end up blaming and scolding others. Instead, I direct myself to breathe, and be physical, realizing it is my total self responsibility to NOT act out of my mind’s moods. i have a responsibility to simply STOP and just be here breathing.

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Watching Daily Catholic Mass on TV

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How fucked up is this. My parent watches the daily catholic mass on TV here in Toronto. I find it rather amusing. I guess why not, we watch all kinds of bullshit under the sun on TV, so why not add a bit of catholic bullshit to it.

I mean whats so spiritual or holy about watching mass on TV? Not an actual reality, just like watching a movie, the man, meaning the priest, goes on and on with his customary repetitions with same chants and tunes, while the devotees respond like programmed robots. Say Amen like a robot.

Obviously there is nothing real about this whole religious bullshit you watch on tv, its all a show an entertainment to keep the masses with busy with the holy mass. with a touch of emotional drama of course. And asking for donations is never in short.

End this fucking bullshit mind movie religious feel good religious bullshit. Do something, try something real, investigate self forgiveness, make it a living reality.

See www.desteni.org

Day 4 – Holding onto Loneliness

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Day 4: Journey to life:Releasing loneliness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am lonely.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that loneliness exists.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the idea of loneliness.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am lonely.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give into the idea of loneliness.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that loneliness is just that, an energetic movement within the mind, which i have defined as painful and difficult.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give into the emotions of loneliness instead of just breathing.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind’s emotions and rise and fall within the emotions instead of just been here constantly as breath and been physical here.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want others to remove my loneliness and want others to give attention so that i wont’ feel lonely.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that been here as breath no matter what is whats important. going into the mind and its rising and falling energy is self abuse.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility to stop the mind and be here as breath.

when and as i see myself  experiencing so called loneliness, i realize its  energy rising and falling within the mind, so I STOP participating in any thoughts about it. i stop, i breathe. i remain here, without giving any definitions to mind’s rising and falling emotions. so when and as i see myself feeling or going into that familiar feelings of loneliness, i simply STOP it, and I breathe here.

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Day 3 – Fearing Here due to Memories

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Day 3: My Journey of Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear been with family members because of fear of old memories.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing people here because i fear the old memories i have in relation to them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear been here with people because i fear they might activate my old pain relating to old memories. not realizing that can happen only if I allow it and accept it. b’c memories exist with me, so its upto me to walk thru the old memories and feel pain.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people are the same decades ago and now, and therefore justify my memories about them as valid.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto old memories as a matter of protection because i believe old memories will protect me from harm again.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself not realize that living here now in the present of this breath means NO more validity to past memories. of course memories wont’ disappear but i dont’ have to relive them by recalling them into here now.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to stand as past as memories as revenge as bitterness of the past, as protection, instead just been here as breath and breathing this breath to the fullest.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to protect myself by believing that thinking about the past will protect me.

When and as I see myself walking thru the memory lanes I STOP it I breathe. I realize that walking thru the memory lanes is living in the past, is self spitefulness, is wanting to  avoid here and wanting to impose a judgement into here. b’c bringing any past into here is a judgement upon life here.

Fear to Give up Thinking. Fear to Breathe – Day 2

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Day 2: My Journey towards Life:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the simplicity of breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘think’ that just breathing is nonsense and therefore useless. In that I forgive myself to believe that thinking is something I must do to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear been a zombie while I just breathe here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to STOP thinking because I believe that to exist I must ‘think’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear just Been Here as breath, as me as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to think so that I can exist and to be alive. Meaning, to exist I must think, that is what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must think so that I can exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have never tried out the option of not thinking, have I ever just lived here without thinking?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conclude something as nonsense even without giving it a try with common sense. I mean I have never lived as just breath here, so how can I know about it?

I have wasted a good portion of my life in the head just thinking (mostly bullshit stuff of course), I realize that I have never really considered living as breath, I never gave this new approach a chance. I dont need to think, whenever I need to think practical stuff, yes the ability to think is there, “Tomorrow I must visit the dentist at 11:00 AM” is a practical thought, while “oh that dentist don’t like Indian people” is a story in the head, its a backchat, meaning its a preprogrammed thought arising within the predesignness of me.

So when and as I see myself ‘thinking’ I STOP. I breathe. I remain here. I realize I am dealing with the most fundamental problem with human mind, my mind, the insanity of thinking. When and as I think along the lines of desire, greed, selfishness, jealousy, anger, worry, anxiety, doubt, suspicion, hate, memory, revenge, what-ifs, fears, prejudice, shyness, etc, I STOP, I breathe. I realize those thoughts are coming from my resonant symbols, they are how I am programmed to think. I am designed to think in a certain way, the preprogrammed way.

So I end my slavery to predesign thinking, by simply stopping it. I breathe, I remain here. When and as I see myself riding on the train of thought, oh oh, I know, I don’t want to be on this train. I stop, I breathe. I remain here, as life is here. Yes if there is a practical concern, a need, a project, a situation, then I direct myself to think about it and get the job done. Thinking is a tool/ability, self-directed tool/ability,

Till here no further, I will no longer allow and accept myself to seek refuge in the joys of thinking.

Till here no further, I will no longer allow and accept myself to sit on the train of thoughts. I simply stop it. I am here, breathing, I direct myself to breathe and remain here.

Jon us: www.desteni.org

 

Taking Things Personally

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Day 1. Writing to birth myself as Life through the physical.

I heard bernand’s video today about nothingness, in which he request people to write daily. Day 1, Day 2, etc etc, each day taking on some point and doing self forgiveness on it. Of course, writing self-corrective/committing statements to actually physically stand as change. This must be done daily, everyday for 7 years. Wow, can you imagine daily writing for 7 years. well step by step, drop by drop changing the patterns of self, physically.

Let me take a simple point I saw today, which will assist me to look at. Taking things personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take anything another says as a direct insult to me, and in that I have allowed myself to take things personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take any question, or any comment, or any gesture by another “personally” and in that I have allowed myself to get hurt.

This is a very simple problem, I mean, why do I think others are trying to hurt me, or insult me? I realize how I see the moment, is how I realize the moment. If anyone ask me a question, it just a question, a comment, or a gesture, it is what it is. But if I look at it as an insult or hurt point, then, yes, I have “taken things personally”.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally. instead of breathing and not taking inside me, anything what others say or do, I have allowed them to get in and be hurtful. I mean, only if I allow anything to get in, can it hurt me.

So when and as I see myself “taking things personally”, I stop it, I breathe I support myself with breathing. I realize how I experience myself within me is my direct responsibility. I can suffer inside me or, I can just breathe and remain here as physical. its upto me.

This moment is here as life. Only this moment, I need to take care. Taking things personally means I continue with time and allow suffering to happen. So I stop, I breathe, I engage myself in the physical Here-ness, doing something physical.

To take things personally, I need a story in the head, I need the backchat,  the chatting back of the mind, to continue. So I support me with breathing here.

Till here no further, I will no longer allow and accept myself to take things personally. Instead I breathe, I let go, I remain here.

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Fear of Socializing with Others.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea that I am fearful of socializing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I get left out when I socialize.

Within that belief, I have isolated myself within my own mind and its ideas and beliefs. It is simply an idea that I have been holding onto, because just been here as breath, and participating/communicating with others as myself is a simple thing, I am a physical being, so everyone else too physically here. Its my mind that forms ideas and opinions, judgments, fears, what-ifs, etc.

So when and as I see myself wanting to hide from socializing/meeting/communicating with other beings, I simply breathe, I stop the mind, I remain here, and push myself to participate with others anyways, by not giving into my mind. I physically push myself, I direct myself to not hide behind my mind’s backchats.

I breathe, I am here.

Thank you, Join us at: www.desteni.org

Cosmic Dance of Shiva – The Bogus Hindu Theology.

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It is said that the universe including our world is so because of the Cosmic Dance of Shiva. And the icing on the cake is: All is Self.

It suggest that everything is happening due to the divine will of Shiva, hence there is no point crying over anything.  The rapes, the murders, starvation of 1 billion humans, and the deaths of 21, 000 humans due to hunger related diseases, and soaring unemployment, depression, drug addictions, homelessness, prostitution etc, all that hellish stuff goes on everyday, happens because of the Cosmic Dance of Shiva.

Don’t bother to take self-responsibility for the hell on earth because it is the Cosmic Dance of Shiva. Don’t bother to stop prostitution or stop young girls from becoming prostitutes because it is the Cosmic Dance of Shiva, whose omnipotent powers causing all nasty things to happen according to His divine will.

And if your little child got raped or kidnapped, please remember it is the Cosmic Dance of Shiva. So blame Shiva, for He caused your child to get raped or kidnapped.

Something is seriously wrong with such bogus theology, which completely denounces self-responsibility to change this hell on earth. No need to talk any responsibility, just simply say, it is the Cosmic Dance of Shiva. How insanely stupid is that.

All is Self, is a beautiful line, I like it, and it is true, All is Self, All is Life. Therefore, instead of turning a blind of eye with the Cosmic Dance of Shiva theology, we ought to actively seek solutions to end the hell on earth, because All is Life. That also means everyone is responsible for everything here. I am life, so I am responsible for all and everything Here.

Hinduism has utterly failed with that singular theological statement: The Cosmic Dance Shiva. Because it has failed to teach its followers to become self-responsible humans so they can take care of this earth in what is best for all. Everyone is shifting responsibility or avoiding responsibility because fuck yeh, it is the Cosmic Dance of Shiva who is doing all the shit here. Why should I bother!

Enough is enough with evading spirituality. Open your eyes, see this world, see the hell on earth, see the starvation, the murders, the rapes, the tortures, the wars, the suffering of children, see all that goes on, never turn a blind eye for anything, because you are effectively turning a blind eye on yourself. All is Self, yes, take that instead, and do the most responsible thing to end this hell on earth.

Join us, we are destonians, who care to end this hell, and so join us, study us, investigate self forgiveness, and equal money system.

Thanks – Anton Fernando.

Visit us at: www.desteni.org