Day 11 – Stop give-me-attention-or-else-war with Breathing.

Day 11. Journey to Life. It seems there is an emotional beast within me that rises everyday or so, usually in the evenings. When it takes over me, I crave and demand for attention, usually my wife is the target, she better give me attention OR else, some sort of hell will manifest. I demand attention, as if there is this hungry beast within me, urging, wanting, desiring, attention to feel better.

Shame to admit, this beast, this hungry ghost is me, I become like a cry whiny baby, needing my mama to pacify me. I am 43 and my wife is no my mama. She is such a tough cookie, she will ignore me with an extra bite to it when I get carried away by this beast. There is no way she is going to act like my mama, not even for a moment. She is my toughest teacher, she is demanding me to take self-responsibility for my shit. Today around 7pm, I was totally and completely taken over by this familiar decade old emotional beats within me, it was ready for give-me-attention-or-else-war. Had I gone home with that state of mind, it would have been an unwise idea. I called a fellow destonian, I discussed the situation and I came to see how my accepted and allowed lack of self-responsibility is the cause of this accumulated beast within me. It has nothing to do with my wife, though, I often blame her for my moods.

After doing some self-forgiveness and self-reflections, I push thru the resistances and emotional old pain, I went home, had supper, enjoyed a pleasant evening. This evening is very important to me, because I avoided a self-manifested hell for us. Others did nothing, it is me, who took the steps to change my starting point and walk thru the resistances.

Here I am writing my self-forgiveness to release this self-made beast within me. I write this to change me, after all I am the beast that need change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my wife must make me happy when I am in a bad mood. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave by giving another the power to make me happy or unhappy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up my power to another being, by saying, they have power to make me happy or unhappy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my wife within my backchat/mindchats for blaming her for what I feel within me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always blame somebody for what I feel within me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always desire and want another to give me attention. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care for me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and scold others believing that will make others give me attention. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck in wants/desires/needs and demand my wife to satisfy them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand others to make me happy. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make me a slave by placing my happiness in the hands of others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care for me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give attention to me by breathing with awareness here. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I lack care/attention/affection etc because I have not given those to me, 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here as breath and breathing, instead wanting another to pacify me, care for me, love me, hold me, hug me, cuddle me, be affectionate to me, in the meantime I have entirely ignored myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am here as breath and that is enough. I have only created the idea of lack. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in lack and believe that I lack, not realizing that lack is just that, an idea in my mind. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, first I need a self-agreement in which I embrace me as breath here, in which I stand here as breath, not wanting/desiring/needing/ anything to fill me up. 

I am here, I breathe.

When and as I see myself craving for attention, care, love, affection, from another, I STOP, I breathe, I breathe with full breaths, till I can pull the breath to my navel area. In that way I support myself to overcome this emotional beast I have become within me. I direct myself to STOP participating in any thoughts, and blames, I simply breathe and remain here.

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