it doesn’t take too long to manifest self-hell nowadays. i noticed that today. i was at a meeting about 10 of us sitting around, instead of talking the subject matter most people tend to drift towards their self importance. most of the time i sat without any judgement or thinking, it was ok, i didn’t suffer.
then, for some reasons i started to participate in thoughts of critics and judgement, i started to blame few within my mind. i could actually count the number of thoughts i was engaged in, just a few. viola, moments later, some energetic irritation, frustration took over me, as if something boiled over within me. i started to speak. suddenly i was on the attack, i started to blame and blame, it so happened i picked the most ‘innocent looking person’ in the group, i attacked him with blame. of course, if you look at my reasons they look logical, but what you will not see is that my outburst was a consequential outflow of few thoughts i just had minutes ago.
it was hell, self hell made by self for self. yes i could have stopped the participation in thinking, but i didn’t, so it was too late when i got energetically possessed. it seems it is easier stop thinking than to stop the outburst of energy either as anger or irritation.
i learned a big lesson today, hope it won’t cost me anything, as at workplace such outburst are considered ’unprofessional’ and ‘trouble’ to say the least. i thought i am a cool guy, not really it all depends on how much pressure is there at the moment, and how much i think about it. as they all contribute to the consequential outflow of events, in this case, a self-hell.
i have to change. i mean i will stop this bullshit. i will stop myself from any and all forms of thinking. the moment i see i am on a path of judgement i will stop. the moment i see i am on self pity or self judgement i will just stop. it doesn’t take me anywhere but self hell. today i didn’t stop them, i allowed and accepted the thoughts and energy that came with it. i made my self hell for me. certainly there was no god to save my ass.
it is really time for self responsibility. its high time i take a serious look at my secret mind and its hidden chambers. i am so used to energetic outbursts, and this is how i have been living, and this is how i have been creating hell for me.
ok past is past. now i have a new breath. i am determined to be here as breath. as anything else is really hell. the next outburst will be even worse, as everything is now compounding.
Looking again at the meeting scene, i can see my drama also got another angle. it is do with wanting attention from others. gosh what a price to pay for that.
“In life and in death, you’re alone”, forgetting that i rush for attention, be it positive attention or negative attention, wanting to grab other’s their attention, their energy, all to just fill me up. had i remained here as breath, i could have participated in the meeting usefully and if needed direct others gracefully to stay focused within the agenda of the meeting.
ok i start again.