yeah i found myself to be making too many jokes, as if i want others to have a laugh. this a long standing personality trait of mine. i am very quick to crack a joke in the company of others, also when children are around like to crack a joke or two, i like to make the kids laugh. actually i become a bit of a clown when kids are around. with adults around, yeah i am quick throw ‘funny comments’ of course not at the expense of another getting hurt or anything. no, just deliberately throwing in ‘funny’ comments. sometimes i even plan my jokes.
i have to stop this funny guy mentality or personality. trying to throw funny comments is just a way to draw the attention of others towards me. obviously. i want others to pay attention to me, listen to what i have to say etc. this again goes back to living with the breath, where there is absolutely no need for any jokes or funny comments. as breath i am simply here.
trying to impress others with ‘advance thought’ is another bullshit i do, all this is to get attention for myself. sometimes i will crack a profound comment about society etc, clearly to show that i have a strong understanding about how fucked up the world is. my actual comment may be valid, but it is done with the starting point of wanting attention to myself, now that sucks.
so only way to stop being a funny clown is stop cracking jokes and stop being a fucking clown in front of others. this is so hard for me as this personality trait has become so much of myself, i can’t even see that it is a personality trait. at this very moment my backchat is saying, “my funny side is my self expression’ which is valid” etc. so clearly i can see i have so much become my personality of funny guy. i can’t even see the possibility that i have become my personality. but the backchat says “hey its only your self expression, whats so wrong been humorous and funny ” etc.
well whats wrong is i am trying to be funny to get attention from others, wanting others to pay attention to me, because without my funny comments i am kind of dull and boring perhaps. without my funny comments, i really don’t’ have anything to share with others in my social world. i would just have to sit quietly without having anything to say useful. so to cover up my ‘boredom’ self, i throw in the cracks of jokes to make feel important in the company of others. with kids to i want them to like me, so i go around to be a fake clown so that kids will like me. this bullshit must stop.
instead i self accept me as the breath of life, i don’t need others approval of my jokes and funny comments. i am simply here, no need to plan jokes and throw them out with timely precision so that punch line lands perfectly. a perfect joke, every one laughs, i get the the attention.
hahahah, anton is a such funny guy. what fucking bullshit. instead i am self acceptance, i accept me, i am here as breath of life, i am breathing this breath. i am physical here as breath. breath by breath i can surely undo this madness to be a funny guy.
i am here breathing.