road bullying is a well know thing, intolerance and impatience on the road between drivers is what is known road bullying. well for me i become a road bully when i am in reactive state of mind. i dump my shit at the expense of some road driver’s impatience. really has nothing to do with the other driver. i was already in a pissed off state of mind, and sure enough having the other driver honking triggered my already overheated anger. its all about me, how i react, what i react to, why i react, what state i am in etc etc. and about me, its all about leaving the breath.
i mean really wtf is going on. how much am i going into war with other humans in my life? fuck i am going to die anyways. here my friend is dying from advanced prostate cancer. have i learned anything from it? have i learned that death is around the corner ? have i learned that all my little bickering are ally zero in the bigger picture.
god, i have been a such bickering fucker all my life, every little thing bothers me and i am ready for war. because i always want others to do this or that to me. i want otehrs bring happiness to me, i want others bring comfort to me. i want others to give me peace that i so miss within me. i want others to talk to me. i want others to include me in their groups so that my loneliness will disappear. so all in all, i want others to give me everything that i have always denied myself. i mean that is the core fucking problem. i deny me, then demand others give me that which i deny myself. of course nobody will. others are simply mirroring myself. they are telling me what is that i am doing to myself. what a fucked up reality is this.
so one way to proceed is, never ever ever entertain the so-called others inside my mind. “oh she said that, he said that, they did this to me, they didn’t do that to me, etc etc”. all the he said she said bullshit must end. i mean really even if the others said all the pretty words, but if i deny me myself, what good is anything?
me denying me, is bit like suicide without actually dying. fuck.
be it my wife, my brother, my step son, my dad, my mom, my youngest brother, my co workers, my friends, or my distant relatives, etc etc, i am always building up a story about them so that i can place me as a victim. “they have denied me”, “the have hurt-ed me”, “they have fucked my life”, “they have messed me up”. “they are ignoring me”. “they are ignoring me’. shit like that.
in this i have accepted and allowed endless suffering for myself. i believe in my bullshit and allowed me to suffer. nobody is going to make me happy. nobody is going to provide me comforts of life. i have to setup the comforts for me. whatever i deny to me others will deny to me in many folds.
i blame others in that i compound everything 10 folds. whereas the real solution is to dismiss the notion of others, the other does not exist. i am here. the other is a mental reality, a construction of my ego created for me to blame.
so what is my way forward?
i stop blaming others for ANYTHING. really.
i stop asking others to give me comfort of life.
i stop wanting others to provide me security.
i stop wanting others to show care for me.
i stop wanting others to show emotions for me. that is a big trap. i am here as breath. wanting to feel loved is a one big fuck up. this inevitably goes with the feeling that others are not loving me.
there is only ONE way to live life, exist within as this breath, here physically in this breath. breathe, breath, here. no ideas, no thoughts, no believes, no expectations, no loneliness. no desires, no wants, no needs, just breath. just here physically breathing.
i imagine resting inside the coffin, i mean i will be just resting. no bullshit will ever exit. all that bullshit that i live as now will cease. that fucking mind will cease. its so peaceful inside the coffin. then why the fuck can’t i live walk exit as a dead man?
its the coolest way to live is to live like a dead man. no mind. no bullshit. no road bullying.