I am here, Feb 04, 2011. My daily blogging continues.
The other day, in one of Bernard Poolman’s recent videos, I heard him say “Talk about the pattern, not the person”, something to that effect. What that means to me is, I can observe and study patterns in a person, specially mind patterns and behavioural patterns, but indeed I must avoid judging the person as such patterns. For example, when hearing a person gossiping, I simply note the “pattern of gossiping”, not label the being as a gossiper. Or worse yet, hold a judgement about him/her as an eternal gossiper, which is what I usually do.
So tonight, we went for a drive, some issue about money came up, which eventually led a disagreement about the money point. She got upset, for the next 2-3 hours, she went on and on about stuff, she pulled everything from the last 2 years and went on and on how nasty I am etc etc. Of course, I saw the pattern, but I couldn’t just only see the pattern, I also want to run away from this situation. Meaning, I want to end agreement and run away so that i don’t’ have to deal with this pattern of hers.
But the strange thing is, I have the exact same pattern to blame non stop when a certain emotional energy is activated. So in this specific pattern, we are identical. So me wanting to quit and run away is just spitefulness on my part, again a deep rooted pattern of mine to escape, to run at the sight of a fight.
So, to see the pattern and not the person is a very tough task indeed. Again, i failed to just only see the pattern and not harm or hurt the person in return. But i did return a few nasty responses, obviously I mistook the person for the pattern.
Why did that happened to me tonight? because i didn’t live as breath, i didn’t exist as breath, each time she said something, i went into my mind for a deep introspection and came out with a verbal dagger. Had i just remained within the breath, her pattern would have eventually cooled down, and she would have returned to her normal self. But I knocked the person along with the pattern, now more consequences will come my way.
So in this, what I realise is there is really no relationship, none whatsoever, because for a relationship to exist, the mind must exist. If I had remained just as breath, yes I would have been very lonely, meaning, nothing to think about it, I would have been emotionless, meaning, there is no specific emotion to chew on, none to feel, yet I would have been at my best expression, as the breath of life.
Really, one must give up life to have life. I think some wise dude said something like that before. Give it up all, to have it all. some shit like that, what he meant was, give up the mind, be the breath, in that you are everything. i mean for any ‘thing’ to exist the mind exist, otherwise you are simply one and equal all.
So even to see the pattern and not the person, there is deep pre-requirement, that is one must live and exist as the breath non-stop. The moment I am out of the breath, i am fucked.
As I said in a previous blog, hell is always a breath away. When I live as breath, no one can hurt me, no one can insult me, no one can blame me, no one can torture me, no one can accuse me, no one can nag me, no one can trigger my emotions, no one can excite me, no one can arouse me, no one can cause me suffering, no mind pattern can bother me, or invite me for a war, because I am simply here as the breath of life.
I am along the cause and the reason for my inner state.
Tonight, I could have remained as breath, and went for the drive, allowing her pattern to slow down and perhaps later talk about it. But no, i took it head on, and made a mess out of it. Living as breath is not just a responsible thing for the self, it is also a support gesture for others, while they go through their own bullshit patterns. Trying to flee at the sight of a pattern is the worse thing to do, instead live as breath.
Things are indeed getting tougher. Everyday, something here or there happens reminding me to live as breath, every breath in fact.
A decision must be soon made, either to live as breath, or perish.