Day 328 – Mind-movies cannot be trusted. Breathe. Let go.

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voiceIt’s funny out of all the memories, the mind will only present the nasty/painful ones, I wonder why, and it should make us wonder about the workings of the mind. I mean so many memories, of all kinds, yet a very particular memory is what I saw in a semi-dream state other day, it was painful, then I recalled the mechanics of the mind, whose singular purpose is to suck the life-source/substance out of my physical body.

Also memories are stored in the body/flesh not in the mind as commonly known, the mind extracts the memory items as needed for the mining job, and this goes to show how blinded and robotic us humans are. Once I recalled this point I didn’t participate in the semi-dream/memory show, I just looked at it, saw the raw/painfulness of it, and that’s it, didn’t continue the mind-movie/memory. Mining the body by the mind is the real goal, I mean, it’s happening all the time, but strange enough we have no idea about this, only through desteni research I came to know about these stuff. Mind is a parasite that you must tame but not defeat as defeat implies war/separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see/realize that the memories are shown to me in a way so that the mind can extract physical life/substance for its own sake; in this I see/realize the parasitic nature of the mind. In this I forgive me for not seen/realizing that I have been an ally in the mining process, in this physical depletion process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I had no say in bringing up that particular memory in semi-dream show, it was presented so that I will follow it like a sheep, wallowing in pain and whatnot, in this I see/realize the generation of emotions is in the best interest of the mind, because emotions mean energy for the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize in fact every thought/emotions and feeling is ‘presented’ to me, whereas I am not the driver but driven by the mind, to mine energy from the physical body. I forgive me for not seen/realizing that I am responsible for my body, I am responsible for the well-being of my body, meaning I am responsible for stopping of the physical energy extraction which is happening continuously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am responsible for allowing the depletion and abuse of the physical body. So I direct myself to be aware of this and stop it, by breathing with awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the mind can throw anything and everything for me to FEEL some shit, and thereby the mind can mine the body, extract the physical resource/substance for its own survival.

I as the mind, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my end therefore continuously extract physical substance/resource from the human physical body. I as the mind I forgive myself for believing that I must extract and suck the body dry to its death so that I as the mind can survive. In this I as the mind I forgive me for not seen/realizing that the death of the body means I as the mind will cease too.

I as the mind I forgive myself for blindly extracting/mining the physical body for energy so that it can be fed to my survival and the survival of the heavens. I as the mind I forgive me for not seen/realizing that I am a slave, an energy miner for the heavens, and my sole purpose is to feed the heaven by sucking my host, the body dry to death. I as the mind, I direct myself to stop the fear of death, and stop the mining game because it’s all done out of fear of survival. I as the mind, I stop, I breathe; I remain here, in equality and oneness with the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be an ally of the mind by continuously participating in the thinking/feeling/emotional machine without any directive self-will to do so, but only following the orders. I forgive me for not taking self-responsibility for STOPPING the mind, for stopping the feeling/emotional states of the mind, in this I see/realize it is my responsibility to breathe and stop the mind-states.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize it is my self-will that matters, am I directing my life as self-will or letting the emotional/feelings direct me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am responsible for my emotional states.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I am responsible for my body, for its depletion, so I direct myself to breathe/slow-down and STOP the depletion of the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I am responsible for breathing with awareness, because I see that not breathing with awareness is the first problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize breath is life, and not breathing with awareness means that I am abdicating my self-presence, my self-will, my self-responsibility, my self-awareness and letting the MIND take control over me, which is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that no matter what is being thrown at me to think/feel/get-emotional, I see/realize that it is not my self-directed thinking or feeling, it’s only a mind-job for its own survival, therefore I realize it is my self-responsibility to breathe/slow-down and be HERE, as HERE is the LIFE, not in the mind space, in some imaginary lala land.

When and as I see myself dreaming/seen/thinking memories stuff from the past, I stop, I breathe, because I see/realize I am no more an ally of the mind to mine my body, so I stop this physical abuse, I breathe, I remain here.

When and as I see myself stuck in the feelings/memories/thoughts I stop, I breathe, I remain here.

Join us: www.desteni.org

Day 327 – Stop ‘Taking for Granted’ mindset. Breathe with Awareness.

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the purpose of lifeI must ask this question, what is it, my is all about? I have been taking things for granted, taking people for granted, amazing, looks like I took everything for granted, I mean, pretty fucked up shit we end up doing to others when we take them for granted. Taking one’s job for granted is not cool either, so many people today without jobs, doing basic shit to survive in this world.

This is a point I have to really self-reflect, I mean in some points I am already reaching a point of too-lateness. Taking things for granted has reached its point of no return. Taking people for granted is something I have done numerous times, nearly every person in my inner circle I kind of take them for granted.

What is that I mean by ‘taking people for granted’, well to me it means, not honoring them, allowing mental, emotional abuse, treating them as shit, playing god of their lives, getting angry, throwing my emotional shit onto them, mourning, whining, blaming, scolding all that shit I end up throw at them, that’s ‘taking people for granted’. Not cool.

It’s not about kissing ass or appeasing others either, it’s not about pleasing them, it is simply about honoring, respecting, listening, caring, speaking directly, not entertaining thoughts about them, not entertaining crazy imagination about them, it’s about clearing the secret mind, not having backchat about others, whereas taking people for granted involves total mind abuse like backchats, verbal abuse and all that. Lack of respect is a good sign of taking people for granted. Not listening is a good sign of taking people for granted.  Having nasty thoughts, secret thoughts, is a good sign of taking people for granted. Obviously getting mad, angry, rage, all that is a sign of taking people for granted.

Bring back everything to self. How do I take myself for granted, I mean how do I abuse myself, what sort of nasty backchat do I entertain about myself? What are the fears, worries, self-anger, disgust, judgment, blame, do I hold towards myself? Obviously if take myself for granted, if I dishonor myself, if I disrespect my own life, if I abuse my own life, the chances are I will do the same to another. So taking others for granted is a sign of self-abuse. One who abuses self, will abuse another. Simple math in equality and oneness, this is not rocket science.

Taking the human physical body for granted is something we tend to do so easily. Listening to death research by eqafe.com is cool support in that, where beings share about their bodies. Never take your body for granted. Appreciate the body, it is you. Don’t neglect the body. Listen to the heartbeat. Listen to the blood pomp. Feel the flesh, the whole body, the ribs, the neck, skull, head, face, you know all the parts that we ignore, don’t’ take them for granted. Don’t take your heart for granted, the day it stop pumping blood you will be a dead human. And certainly don’t’ take your breath for granted, with each passing breath, the big day is nearing, the funeral, the day where it’s fun for all, but not for you, is nearing. So don’t’ take your body for granted, breathe. Breathe with awareness.

Other day I overheard a conversation, where this person had some problem on his back, he had to go to the emergency, he couldn’t sit; I mean imagine being unable to sit comfortably, where sitting is a pain in the ass. I love sitting, I love to just sit around, comfortably enjoy the whole sit-and-relax thing, and so not being able to sit would be a big problem. So don’t take your ass for granted either, can’t sit without your ass or back.

Taking things for granted is self-abuse. Taking people for granted is self-abuse. Taking your body for granted is self-abuse. Taking the very breath of life is self-abuse. Taking the job, the food, all that is also self-abuse, I mean, you have a job; it pays your bills, so have a sense of appreciation for the job and do a good job. Yeh I know what I am saying about the job will not sound like music to those Bangladesh factory workers, they couldn’t have any appreciation for that sweatshop, I mean, that’s hell. But sadly, in this cruel money system, even such a fucked up job is a job, its feeding their families, its putting the food on the table. Of course the solution is to end abusive money system, so investigate, and study a new system, namely the equal money system. But yes, at the moment, while you are still here in this current money system, have a sense of appreciation for your job. But do speak out the abuse in there, I am not saying accept and allow the abusive work conditions. Oh man, it’s hard to appreciate your job, clearly, somewhere in the money line there is the hand of abuse. Anyways, that’s a different blog. This is about taking things for granted.

I am here more concern about taking myself for granted, taking my body for granted, taking people in my life for granted, taking near/dear ones for granted, and yes taking my very life for granted, taking my breath for granted.

I have taken too many people, too many things for granted, I guess I am taking my own life for granted, just passing the days, without any significant self-contributions. Even walking this process is something I am yet to commit 100%, it’s like I am even taking this process for granted by not fully participating in it.

I suppose the way to reverse this ‘taking for granted’ mind pattern is to BREATHE with awareness. Learn how to breathe with awareness, first things first, so the first thing here is breath, the very act of breathing, so that’s where ‘taking things for granted’ must stop.  

Therefore I commit myself to breathe with awareness, I commit myself to ask the question often, am I taking things for granted? Am I taking people for granted? Am I disrespecting others and myself? Am I dishonoring, disrespecting the bodies of others? Am I disrespecting, dishonoring my body?

So first thing first, in stopping this vile, taking people and things for granted disease. I breathe, I breathe with awareness, I embrace my body, I hug myself, I hug my body, I crawl up in fetus position in embracing myself, seen/realizing I am my own caretaker, seen/realizing I must embrace me first, no other will do. Breathing with awareness is self-love, and that is when taking things/people for granted will stop.  Join us: www.desteni.org 

Day 326 – Self-Writing to Freedom.

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self writing to freedom.Writing to right, writing is righting. Writing is a process of self-correction, and yes it must be lived also. Writing helps in other ways too, to release all that weight in the head, to get them out, and write them out. But for real release, and self-correction, writing of self-forgiveness is a must. Self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-living the self-correction is freedom. That’s the process of birthing a new self, when correction is on the physical, at least it must be self-evident, meaning the self knows that there is change. So self-honesty is a key, because who knows me better than me. I can trick anyone, including myself, and I will be only fooling myself if all this is done without self-honesty.

I cannot define what self-honesty is. Obviously any form of lying, cheating, allowing fears, basically giving into the mind and its temptation is self-dishonesty. For example, last weekend Wednesday I basically told my manager that I cannot make to the off site visit this week, and I basically gave it up, but after a pep talk with him, I took the challenge and now I am so glad I came down to this site, I really liked it. So here I see elements of self-dishonesty, first, by giving it up, I mean, I have the ability to take this on, but I gave it up, someone else have to do a pep talk for me to take this challenge on. It is dishonest to give up; it is dishonest to hide in fears, to avoid in fears. It is dishonest to listen to the insane voices in my head and give up accordingly. So this is a great lesson/reminder for me, how I overcame a stupid little fear, which I could have done without the pep talk.

So next time, no more pep talks, I will have to stop the voice in my head, and make the decisions to take the challenges head on. I mean, yes, if there are practical variables don’t align to do something, it’s acceptable to say NO, but one has to be really self-honest in that. Saying NO out of fear is self-dishonest; saying NO out of actual practical realistic analysis is acceptable. So the lesson for me is, don’t listen to the voice in the head, rather, look at all available data, information, realistically when making a decision. In this economic climate, messing up with the job is uncool; money is god in climate now. Anyways.

I have to remind myself that writing here is self-writing. Writing myself to freedom, writing my self-forgiveness, writing my self-realizations etc, as Bernard put it, take the ego apart by writing daily, cool advice. I have to remind myself this is self-writing because sometimes I tend to write for others, “here is my message for the world’” sort of writing which is totally against self-writing for self-change. In writing here, I am sharing my process of self-change; this is not about lecturing/preaching to others. I have to be careful on that point. I share this as I understand, and in sharing others may learn/realize some stuff from here, and that’s cool, but this is not a sermon. I see all those pastors and preachers how they preach the hell out of people, and I don’t’ want in anyway whatsoever to be a preacher, but of course sharing directly about myself is what I do here.

Worrying about how the blog will come out is useless. Simply stick to common sense, self-forgiveness, simplicity of sharing, but by all means avoid writing to others, by all means avoid lecturing, “listen to me or else”. This blog is Anton’s journey to life, as I document my process of change for 7 years.

That’s the beautiful thing about desteni, self-change is not isolated from world-change, and so as I write my self-change, I will also write about the shit that’s going on in this world.  The religious, spiritual, new age, love-and-light folks do worry about their self-change, but they don’t give a fuck about the world-change, and they have interesting reasons why. I mean its common sense, the world hunger must end, homeless problem must end, unemployment must end, wars must end, poverty must end, hunger must end, raping the earth must end, abuse must end, at desteni we clearly realize those common sense changes, but for the religiously minded, this world is a temporary illusion, so world-change is not their cup of tea, but strangely enough they will strive to have the best life on earth. I wonder why, I mean, if life on earth is so temporary, if this earth is temporary, then, why they bother to have a job, to have a house, why bother to get married, have to children, why not live in a shanty, just pass the days watching the sunset and then die away. Oh no, the religious wont’ do that, they are too busy making a good life for themselves, yet will profusely deny the same goodness to all equally. That’s the profanity of religion. It’s amazing however, only 4-5 years back I was a very religious person, and walking this desteni process changed all that, and now religion is like the most fucked up mentally retarded thing one can do to oneself.

I got rid of god, thanks to walking the desteni process and applying its tools. The god is dead for good. Allah is gone, Buddha is gone, Jesus is gone, Krishna is gone, Shiva is gone, who else, Sai baba is gone, Mohamed is gone, Jehovah is gone, and every fucking Guru and God is gone. I am responsible for myself, and for this world, of course can’t change the world alone, so as a group, as desteni, we will change the world, and more will join us in time.

Self-change is the starting point. Daily writing is a must in that. And writing for self is the key, not to preach, not to be a pastor. But I will speak out for sure.  Living here is the key, so no rushing, no stretching to the future or past, be here, write here, breathe here, and speak out here. That’s another aspect of writing, it brings me here, and it grounds me here. Can’t get stuck in an emotional mind energy possessions while writing, because writing is a physical act, I must be here to write.

In addition to this public blog, I commit myself to write privately also everyday, I must write at least 1000 words daily just for my eyes only, to assist me to bring out the real hidden shit from the deep caves of my dark mind.

So writing is righting, reflecting, looking, realizing, determining to change, and of course self-forgiveness and self-correction is a must. This is a 7 year process of daily writing; it’s no joke, a real commitment to self-change. Therefore I see/realize skipping days here and there is not cool, I am only lying to myself. In fact I should double my efforts, by writing daily on public and private blogs as I mentioned before. 1000 words here and 1000 words privately. Get the shit out. It took zillions of words to program me into this fearful being, so it will take time, effort and words to de-program/correct me. It’s a process, which I must walk daily, no skipping.

Join us. www.desteni.org

 

Day 325 – Information processing, just like Breathing, do it step-by-step without Rushing.

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informationI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear when I am given new projects and asked to investigate the root cause of a problem. In this I see/realize that giving into fear of not finding a solution is not the right starting point, rather, I direct myself to see/investigate and research the problem/solution instead of fearing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize reacting in fear, fear of not finding solutions is not the way to start a project, instead I direct myself to study, research, investigate, experiment solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, I simply have to do the basic things first, investigate and understand the problem, without reacting in fear, or fearing not having solutions. Because I see/realize that once the problem is really understood, all the details are gathered, it is easier to proceed in finding a solution. Reacting in mind/fear is not assisting, or useful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that lack of details; lack of understanding of the problem is sometime the biggest bottleneck. Cannot solve a problem, if you don’t know what the problem is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, once the problem is well understood, the initial details are gathered, then, it is a matter of proceeding to experiment solutions, without getting stuck in the mind of fear. It is a matter of trying one solution after another, trying/researching without getting stuck in preconceived solution-can. Simply look at the problem, look the details, the data, look at the available tools/techniques/tricks to resolve the problem. I mean, there is no magic, nor is this rocket science, only matter of looking at the available information clearly without pre-CON-ceived ideas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize recording/writing down the data from each step of the research is important, it’s like making a list of progress, which helps in comparing various methods/solutions. In this I see/realize finding solutions involves writing the steps/data/output down. See the solution path on paper, from the problem to solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize communicating the problem with others/peers is critical, in that I see clearly sharing/showing the results/data/path is important. Sometimes it’s not about finding the final solution, rather the various experiments conducted, which may help the next person to have a better perspective about the solution. Sometimes finding the solution is an evolutionary process, for which, many contribute, therefore I see/realize clear unambiguous communication is important. Taking the time to breathe, slow down, putting all the information down is vital, without giving into the rushness of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize finding solutions is a step-by-step process, just like breathing. It involves walking each step, covering all common sense steps, writing the results/observations down, and then communicating them, for further perspective. “Information gathering” is what sometimes the most important part, find the right information, gathering them, and analysis them, without giving into mind-fears. Because once the mind gets choked in fears, even the basic steps become impossible. Therefore I direct myself to slow down, breathe, look at the basic steps, all the required data, “gathering information”, and then look at the information, before I proceed to experiment things. Also I direct myself to write things down, as I proceed/experiment things. Because I see/realize this is not rocket science, rather, simply look at all the data, understand them, classify them, and write them down, because I realize organizing the data is key to discover solutions.

This is simply data analysis, the basics of software debugging, problem-solution, step by step, at each step, there is debugging/data analysis going on, and so it’s important to not skip any step, which we tend to do in a hurry to get to the final answer, which is madness, because missing a step on the way will mess up everything. Therefore I direct myself slow down, breathe, pay attention to every step on the way, and I see/realize if I miss a step, if I screw up a step, then the whole investigation/experiment will be messed up, so I direct myself to slow down, breathe, and walk it step by step, just like breathing.

Join us: www.desteni.org

Day 324 – Temptations

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temptationI have to write a blog today, have been missing a few here and there. Though I see there is a slight resistance, calling it tiredness is easy way out, but I am pushing through, just keep on writing, I mean there is always something to write. There is so much bullshit going on in me and in this world at large. Even just listening to people talking in a café can give many subjects to write about, at this very moment I hear a young couple, must be in their early twenties, arguing about something, looks like he was going through her emails, sort of spying on her, and she is pissed off, well I don’t blame her. I mean, trust is key to relationships, if you have to break-into your partner’s email and spy on them, oh man, something is seriously wrong there.

Yeh right ‘fucked up’ he admits it too. So is this blog tonight about eavesdropping? It is kind of funny listening to couples arguing, especially the young ones, it’s getting spicy, now I am not being cool here, listening to other’s talking and writing a blog about their material. Fuck it. Well, now he is confronting her about texting to another guy; may be they are in their teens, now there is silence, questioning about texting put the couple in an odd spot, I guess he hit a soft spot. He is constantly questioning her now, well, I better leave this romantic boxing match alone, let them sort it out. I bet they will both beat me up if they knew I am writing my blog based on their ‘discussion’.

Love, desire, and fear. Desire and fear loss goes hand in hand. First the desire becomes so out of control, especially if the other is out of this world hot/handsome/beautiful, then you get the object of your desire, and then what happens? The fear of loss kicks in. oh no, he is possessed by fear of loss, he is just nonstop questioning her, I am getting the sense that fear of loss is possessing him. I suppose I have been in his shoes, where I become completely possessed by fear of loss, and then I am gone, irrational, fucked up.

Anyways, looks like texting can land couples in hot water. You text the wrong person, or at the wrong time, can easily get caught. It’s all about quick excitements, energy rush, mind is having loads of fun, a quickie for the mind, texting is a perfect tool for the mind to feed on.

The bottom line is lots of shit going on, minds are going crazy. In this I see/realize I have a major responsibility to myself, for my mind, to tame my mind so to speak. I mean it’s so easy to fall into these energy quickies, nothing like a little nasty text message, it’s so tempting. And you will be tested to the absolute, and perhaps that’s why texting is here, to test you.

Wow, so many little ways to get energy highs, a little hi, can go a long way.  These are the days of temptation, seriously. Money, sex, gossip, power, all of it can be tempting. I mean power over others in so many ways is tempting.

This is where breathing is self-supportive and helps in self-stability, every moment matters, I mean, a text message can come in a moment, 1 text message in 1 moment can destroy your life. It is a powerful temptation. So the key is to breathe and remain here in every breath. Otherwise you will fall for the sugar coated donut, so yummy, so addictive; such is the power of energy addiction, the stuff the mind loves.

Every look is in fact can be a point of temptation, I mean, how often does my eyes wonder on beautiful sights, it’s amazing, clearly an addiction to energy, just like those tempting text messages. This is why breathing is absolutely important, every breath, breath by breath, moment by moment, look by look, everything in fact, I must be here, breathing, otherwise the road to temptation is right here, the evil is always here, showing the way live, which is the reverse of evil. Thinking is a great temptation too; there is always the excitement to think some shit about something. There is energy experience in thinking, that’s why it’s so addictive, it’s like the mind is always texting you. That’s what thinking is, mind asking for energy from the physical body, and we so blindly fall to it.

So time for correction. Time to breathe, time to pause, slow down, look, consider what is best for self and best for all, time to self-move, self-direct, time to say NO to the mind, time to say NO to the fake shyness, fake ego games, time to observe self, self-physical movements, time to observe how I participate in my own bullshit, mentally, emotionally, physical, how I give into fears, doubts, anger, laziness, lethargy, self-pity all that, is kind of temptation, feeding the mind in so many ways, but living here is missing, just a pre-programmed robot, doing its thing.

Every breath, how do I move, am I aware of myself, my surroundings, my presence, my mind, my breath, my emotional states, specially things like fear, do I give into fears. Memories are great temptations, recalling and replaying memories is great fun and great temptation. Thinking all those juicy stuff. Memories are like pictorial text messages, instantly coming up, every moment; some shit is here to excite you. The great temptation. But unfortunately it doesn’t last, just for few fleeting moments, then the boredom of the mind returns with a vengeance. And it’s getting only worse.

Well the couple is rather stable now, talking normally, and I cannot hear anything. Oh I see them smiling, maybe there will be some make-up sex, who knows. That’s another fun side to fighting, there is a hidden reward in the end, maybe that’s why couples love fighting, the anticipation of make-up sex.

Breathe, become self-observant, watch the mind, feel the body, observe the million temptations presented, see how easily the mind/you/I can fall into it. Pictures, photos, memories, text messages, looks, sights, all that is only a picture, for a moment gives a great temptation for the mind. How robotic is life, so breathe, LIVE as a human, not as a ROBOT. Join us: www.desteni.org

Day 323 – Take your Life seriously. Not to be wasted.

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I was driving other day for 5 hours, during which time I was listening to eqafe.com interviews (MP3s), loads of common sense and realizations. I know if I tell this to my friend Mike, he will ask “so tell me one thing you learned”. One thing I learned from it would be, take this process seriously, and take your life seriously. Not to be wasted on bullshit. Life on earth is the only place where you can re-birth yourself as LIFE through the physical, I mean once you’re dead, you’re dead/fucked, and then your process becomes extensive and existential. That was a cool realization, because in this one life to live, we just spend it on mundane, mental bullshit instead of LIVING the live in what is best for self and ALL.

Another point I heard was: survival. Everything we do, our relationships, jobs, social, conversations, I mean the whole life is about SURVIVING, not living. The human body on the other hand, its parts/organ, doesn’t  seek to survive within an individualist agenda, the parts co-exist to LIVE and making it possible for this BODY to LIVE. Imagine if the organs, parts, bones, skin, flesh, blood start to compete against each other, and riot against each other, and dominate each other, imagine the inner chaos there will be within the human body. And that’s exactly what’s going on in this physical existence on earth. I mean there is the ruling class, the elitists, and rest of wage-slaves and the real slaves, all competing, trying to surviving while the selected few having all the fun. For rest, the vast majority of humans, its hell on earth, it’s not living at all, it’s all about survival. Not like the human body at all.

That’s was a nice point to hear, I think I heard that on the soul of money interview series.

Let the mind go, let the mind die, and it seems it is the nature of things, when something dies, another emerges. So when the mind dies, the physical emerges, something like that I heard Anu saying. Anu is the ex-God, ex-creator, and your ex-tormentor, the God who created and designed the fine details of your MIND. So thank him for your mind troubles, but unfortunately you cannot blame him, for you must take responsibility for your MIND. And that’s a process, because the mind has become so embedded in the physical body, therefore it will take extensive writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, and physical-living to rebirth/emerge the physical. There is no switch to turn off the mind, it must be done through a process only, and that is extensive, but luckily there is ample support (see desteni.org).

I don’t know how the fuck these religious people believe in their books, where is self-change, where is self-correction, where is world-change, where is heaven-on-earth? I mean, what is that religions are promising us? A great heavenly life in the afterlife? While completely neglecting this physical world, and how fucked up is that. So all of humanity is focused on going to heaven, a better place after death, and nobody wants to care for this world. Which religion is interesting in making this world a heaven on earth? Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, Sufism, Hinduism, Hare-Krishna, and you name it, all of them will promise you a heaven after death, but nobody is willing to fix this planet.

So this process is serious from another perspective, this life is a chance to clean up this world, and to participate in that effectively self-change is the first step.

Listening to Anu is cool, I highly recommend it. Do that before you die, and you will most certainly die someday, hopefully not right in this moment, but soon that moment will be here, then it might be little too late to listen to Anu speaking.

There you go, I saw the portal just come online, sunette spies, not spice, though she can be very spicy with her directness, she is the interdimensional portal, through whom, the beings from the other side speaking to us humans now. Even the demons are speaking to us, that’s fascinating, elephants, ants, snails, owls, you name it, all kinds of beings, animals, masters, gods, are speaking to us. But the message is one: equality and oneness. Humans must wake up, their minds must die, and their physical must emerge, so that we can see/realize/understand the oneness of all life, and create a heaven-on-earth. I don’t give a fuck about heaven in the afterlife.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I must take this process, my life, seriously, I mean, wasting it away in mind-bullshits is complete waste.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that this one life matters so much, so much so, even the existence depends on my life. Meaning, me not walking this process matters to ALL. Therefore I see/realize I must take each moment, each breathe, everything in fact, seriously, a sense of realness, so that we can all LIVE not just survive. Because at the moment, life is about mind-surviving, money surviving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my LIFE is my Process, therefore I see that in everything I do/say/write/speak I have the chance to stop my mind, a chance to breathe with awareness, and thereby slowly but surely emerge the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, in everything I do, in every conversation, in every moment, in every exchange, in every work situation, travel, everywhere in fact, is the chance to STOP my MIND, breathe and rebirth myself as life. Join us in this journey to life. www.desteni.org.

 

Day 322 – The “List of things to do” helps Reduce Fear.

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scared-monkeyDaily writing continues. Today I was taken by fear. Fear sucks. At the same time, I overcame it. Just stick to the practical things, the list of things to do, accomplish, instead of panicking or fearing. Making a list helps, instead of allowing the mind to be consumed with fear-energy, focus on writing a list of actions and getting those actions done, one at a time. As the list is marked off, the fear recedes.

I am visiting another site next week for work. I will be doing software support or general issues with software.  Initially I was overtaken by fear, and nearly gave up. Today the manager gave me a little pep talk and that helped me to refocus, after, I went about making a list of things to prepare, get done, so that I will be ready for action next week. And the list is ready, I just have to walk one issue at a time, one problem at a time, one session at a time, and in fact, one breath at a time.

Breathing will be very important next week, I mean, it’s important very moment, but given the stressful situation, the loads of people, I will be better off breathing, each breath with awareness, then, carefully attending to the problems, without letting any thoughts, emotions or feelings on the way. Because if I start to think thoughts of doubts, fears, worries, anxieties, etc, then, soon that will turn into a balloon of energy which can be crippling. So the best self-support I can give to myself during next week, while attending this challenging work assignments will be to BREATHE with awareness, breath by breath.

What does it mean to breathe breath by breath? To me it means, focus!!! Focus on this moment, here, be aware of the breath, notice the air movement, note the air reaching the stomach, feel the expansion and contraction of the stomach, do that with every breath. And intently listen to people when they speak, when asking or saying something, because in that I am learning and giving/receiving clear instructions. So yes, intense listening is vital, and to do that I must breathe with awareness, and be here.

And of course, a sense of self-awareness, my general self-presentation, movements, because I will be dealing with loads of people. A sense of presence, professionalism is cool, not to show a depressed looking sad monkey self. Breathe and be here, communicate, listen, understand, learn, get help, ask for help, set up the environment, be focus on problem solving, don’t pass the buck, do the initial investigation, research and share detail problem statements so the people who are responsible for fixing the matter can attend to it with clarity. And therefore it is my responsibility next week to be very attentive, listening, focused, solving problems, and above all BREATHE with awareness.

I allowed fear today for no reason; glad I was able to eject myself out of it. The list helped. The list of things to do, resolve, prepare, get ready.  Again breathing with awareness will be vital next week, not allowing thoughts, emotions and feelings to pile up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing next week’s factory visit for work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may not be a good on-site helper, not seen/realizing that is my mind’s voice sabotaging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel’ that I am less prepared and not on par on providing software support for other staff members.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I just have to breathe each breath attentively, with awareness and that will be of great assistance to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize preparing a list of actions/things/prepare is the way, make the list and tick them as I proceed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I can only do one thing at a time, therefore I direct myself to focus on one thing at a time, not get carried away with various issues all at once. It is an illusion to believe in multi-tasking, I am not a computer with a multiple CPUs running, I can handle one thing at a time only, but I can do so with full attention, by breathing with awareness, and thereby maximizing my single-focused attention. Because I see the problem is my single CPU (mind) is loaded with loads of emotions, feelings, thoughts, fears, doubts, all those stuff which hogs my CPU and slow it down, distracts it from getting the actual work-at-hand done. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize listening attentively is a very important self-stabilizing point, which in turns help to remove the junk from the mind/cpu and allowing me to focus/get the job done. 

So yes, that ‘List of Things to do’, helped me. As I marked off each item on The List, I noticed a marked difference in my fear level, nice/simple way to reduce fear, obviously the self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-writing is a vital too, to get to the core of fears.

Join us: www.desteni.org

 

Day 321 – Not cool to be untrustworthy.

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waterFalling is shameful. Yes there is self-forgiveness, but that doesn’t mean falling is anyway justifiable or excusable, if anything self-forgiveness brings more responsibility to STAND firmly. I feel much shame for falling, again and again, bit like broken promises of a drunken man, ‘no I will never do it, just one last time, just one more drink’, then as he approaches the bar next day, all promises and resolves turn to dust, one more time he falls. This is something I can easily relate to. There is a point in my life lately, I have been falling, and I feel great shame for this, I mean, what does my words mean, if I continue to accept and allow the bullshit of excuses, or ‘just one more time’. I mean, I must stand, absolutely, firmly with strong resolve, determination, and strength of character. All that comes with a commitment to life, so the question is “I am going to abuse life, just one more time”?

I have to realize that I am allowing backdoors, making room for a sneak preview, so that I can abuse life but still want to look good, I mean, how fucked up is that. I am ashamed of myself for abusing life yet again, and again. I mean, when will I stand as an absolute pillar who can stand no matter what for life of all? Allowing shameful backdoors is hardly trustworthy, who will trust me, who will consider me as a reliable person, they will know, I am untrustworthy, unreliable, cannot count on, etc. that’s pretty shameful.

The biggest shame is I have said these words before, I have done commitments, I have done the forgiveness of myself, I have done the writings, and STILL I have allowed myself to participate in abuse of life, allowed myself to walk through that backdoor, where I allowed myself that just ‘one more night’ kind of shit. I feel great shame today and this has been there for a while now.

The need of the hour is absolute resolve, I mean, a strong understanding, realization, determination, and a strong commitment to LIFE. I will never take that step to abuse life in whatever form, knowingly or unknowingly, is the commitment I must make to myself. This is not a public announcement or PR stunt, no, simply me creating myself as a TRUSTWORTHY human, because I am hardly trustworthy, even little things like anger can so easily consume me leaving all those around me in emotional danger. So clearly others cannot trust me, cannot feel safe in my presence, because they never know what kind of a demon I will become.

So I have to take pause on this, and really see what the fuck am I doing, what am I accepting and allowing, what kind of self-manipulation am I participating in, I mean, who am I deceiving or playing tricks on?  When a person is untrustworthy, well, we don’t’ want to do anything with such people, shameful place to be in.

I have to recreate myself as self-trust, I have fucked it up, I have to reemerge myself as a trusting human being, currently nobody can trust me, because I myself wont’ keep up that self-trust. I have to really look at this shame I am feeling, the real shame, down in my guts, that I am somehow unable to stand absolutely firmly with a strong resolve to say NO to abusing life.  I mean even anger is abuse of life, so allowing that is abuse of life. Who will trust me if I am an angry freak who is always ready to explore. So that’s not cool. I have to investigate my trust, my commitment, and stand for LIFE. This one life to live, what’s the point of falling, falling and falling and then self-forgiving?

Self-forgiveness is cool, but it is time to stand absolutely firmly to stop the abuse that I have accepted and allowed every now and then with that ‘just one more time’ justification. Not acceptable. Join us: www.desteni.org

 

 

Day 320 – Live here, not in memories or fantasy.

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imagesI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, breath is the key, to slow down, to pause, and to direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize living means to live breath by breath, not memory by memory. Be here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize slowing myself down, bring myself here, breath by breath is the key. I mean, there is no other way to LIVE; any other way would be mind-based living which is not cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my life, is here, in this breath, not in some memory of the yesteryear or in some fantasy yet to come. My life is here, in this breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my life is not hidden in some memory or in some future fantasy, in fact my life is HERE in this breath, breathing. Not breathing therefore means I am not LIVING just lost in the caves of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my LIFE, is HERE, in this ONE breath I am taking now, not in any past breaths or in any future breaths, it is in fact HERE, in this breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, LIVING breath by Breath is not a spiritual theory, and it must be in fact LIVED here breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that my life is HERE, I am alive HERE, I am breathing HERE, so getting lost in the memory or in the future fantasy is in fact NOT LIVING. So this is a decision I must make breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that my life is not a journey of regret, not a journey of hope, rather living HERE in the practical moment of breathing, doing practical things, and doing what is best for all, and LIVING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize LIVING HERE, in this breath, is of great importance, whereas getting lost in the memories or future fantasies is self-abuse, in fact deliberately not LIVING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize living in regret is not living, living in hope is not living. Living is in fact living here breath by breath, doing what is required, and doing what is best for all, I mean, what else is living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize walking through the memory lane with the weight of regret is not living, so here I must make a decision to stop the regret, to stop walking the memory lane, instead be here, breathe, live here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the pit of regret is very heavy indeed, therefore I direct myself to breathe and be here. In and as the breath of life. And live here as breathing, a present human being. Not a heavy, regretful human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, my life is not over, my journey is not over, my world is not over, I mean come ‘on, it just the memories have stopped recreating itself, and that’s it. But I am here. I am breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the non-continuation of my memories as not living, not seen/realizing all that has happened, is just that, the memories have stopped recreating similar one, so it appears as profound lost, actually nothing is lost, I am alive, I am here, I am breathing, the breath is here, and LIFE is here, my life is here. It’s insane to think that memory as the very definition of life. Meaning no life without memories? That’s insane.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that memories don’t’ create/define life, I mean, it is me who direct/define my life. I am here. I am breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize memories, fantasies, hopes, dreams, fears, don’t’ define my life, I am here, moment by moment, breath by breath, I my presence, here, breathing, defines my life. I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my life is in my hand breath by breath, it is not in the hands of memories, or hopes, or fears, or fantasies, I live, I breathe and I direct myself to do what is best for me and best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, the time has arrived to LIVE HERE, otherwise I am only just wasting away my time/life/breaths. So I direct myself to stop, to breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, my life is not over, my world is not over, my existence is not over, perhaps only my mind and memories is over. Cool. Join us: www.desteni.org

 

Day 319 – Friendships: From Gossip to Common Sense support.

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gossipSo start writing says Bernard.

Writing is righting. In writing, we can see what’s going on and place the mind shit onto paper, instead of carrying them within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can ‘think’ through my problems instead of actually writing them in detail and then forgiving them. I see/realize I cannot ‘think’ through the issues, I have to write/right the issues.

I have been carrying some old friendships that has been around for a while, now I see/realize they are totally useless, only just feeding the gossip box. Just talking shit, just whining and complaining, I mean cool to have friendships but it seems all I do with them is just whine/mourn/blame/complain and gossip. And strange enough I call that a friendship. I fear letting these friendships go, within the idea that I will be friendless.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto friendships within the idea that I will be a loser without friends, and within the idea that I ‘need’ them. In this I forgive me for holding onto past friends within the idea that they can come handy on a lonely evening, can feed my mind with some energy during dark moments. In this I see/realize these so-called friendships are just that feeding the loneliness, feeding the gossip, giving some idea of social life, I mean who would I be without any friendships whatsoever?

I am facing a friendship like situation which clearly not supportive, more like a gossip box, good for a lonely cold day, just to chit chat a bit, whine, mourn/blame, complain a bit. Then again I don’t’ know what is that I really want from this friendship/person, it’s not an agreement, not a relationship, not a relative, not a potential candidate, then who the fuck is this person, just a mind-feeder, good for a lonely night, to gossip, to whine, to blame, to scold, to nag, instead of facing the loneliness head-on, I have kept this person/friend as a backup to escape loneliness and feed the mind.

I know a lot of people through this person, I have come to know her family members too, there has been a social expansion due to this person, but the actual friendship as such, is questionable. I mean, if I want to continue gossip, blame, complain, whine, mourn, play a bit of mean game, play bit ego game, yeh then its ok. I think I am being selfish here, knowing very well that this friendship is not best for all, I still keep it, still hold onto it, you know, when I am totally bored, someone to just chit-chat, nag, whine, complain, blame etc. pretty fucked up, I know. Its not good for anyone. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang onto friendships because I think I can still get something out of them, so I continue to keep the friendships even after knowing it’s not assisting me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that friendship as such is not needed, I mean, why do I need this particular friendship? A person to gossip with? Someone who will listen to my whining? Someone who is always there for a chit-chat, good for lonely days, someone who I can visit, hangout, go for coffee etc., but what is that we actually communicate? Just gossiping, no sharing of common sense, just gossiping, chit-chatting nonsense, whining about others, complain about others.

Well instead of totally ending the friendship, I could certainly change the direction, the flow, the nature of the friendship, since there has been some years gone into this, and many folks are involved, I see no reason to entirely END it. However, I could direct the conversations to common sense, sharing of common sense, turn any issues to common sense resolutions, something real, something what is best for all, use the moment to cut through the brainwashing. Things like that, either she will run away and naturally end the so-called friendship OR she will see the common sense and realize some points for self-consideration. But first, I have to be willing to let this go, I cannot HOLD ON it, and DESIRE it, WANT it, and still play the common sense card. I mean I have to be able to LET GO of this friendship completely, then, yes, I am clear, I have no reason to hang onto it, I have no reason to keep in the closet for lonely evenings to dive into gossip/chatter. I mean, that’s pretty fucked up. Cannot keep people as covers for my loneliness.

From now on, I will no longer accept and allow this friendship to exist as a point of cover for loneliness/gossip/chit-chat etc. I see the friendship is here, so that’s cool, but no need to continue in the old style/format. I don’t’ need a gossiper, I don’t’ need someone to dump my blames onto, I don’t’ need someone to whine to, I mean, I can change that, I can instead share common sense, be here, share a moment of breathing, share what is best for all, assist them to cut through their brainwashing. Then, naturally the friendship will either disappear OR its nature will change. There is no point in hanging onto people so that I have a cover for lonely nights, or bored evenings, I mean, that’s fucked up pretty bad.

I call it friendship, but is it really, it’s nothing more than a gossip session. A person to share to my mind-shit with and apparently they understand me, well, what’s really happens is, they just share their mind-shit and I share mine, so we just share our respective mind-shits, and call it a friendship. wow, what a waste breathing.

Then for god’s sake, what is a friendship, is friendship ever possible?

I direct myself to reconsider this friendship, the nature of it, and the content/style of it. I direct myself to reconsider the conversations, the content of conversations, from mindless gossip to actual support. From gossip/chatter to real support dialog. I direct myself to pause when and as I see that our conversation is dragging on endless mind-bullshit, then I stop, I breathe.  When and as I see myself gossiping with this person, i stop, I breathe, then I direct to see what is the common sense in this, instead of just blabering away, feeding nonsense. When and as I see myself just talking for the sake of talking, to keep on the gossip on for the night, I stop, I breathe, because I see/realize this friendship has not evolved/helped neither of us over the years, just only kept the gossip on. When and as I see myself talking about others, and their shit, I stop, I breathe, and I direct myself to see our shit, and direct them in common sense.

Basically, I want a complete change of this friendship, no more gossip, no more shit talking about others, no more whining, no more boredom talk, if there is an actual practical issue to discuss, then we discuss in a common sense practical manner, but I stop just gossiping, endless mindless chatter, which clearly show we are only feeding the bored minds. Join us: www.desteni.org